The not too distant future... [The bridge of the SOL. TOM is up on the counter, wrapped in a pink fluffy towel. He makes sniffling noises. Beside him is a bowl of water, hot enough that it's steaming. Enter MIKE in pyjamas, bathrobe and bunny slippers] MIKE:(yawns hugely) Morning, Servo. TOM:(sneezes - he kinda rocks back and forth with the apparent force of it) Bordig, Bike. MIKE:(doubletakes) Tom? What's the matter? [Enter CROW, bustling] CROW:(accusingly) Well just what do you *think* is the matter? Tom's caught a cold. MIKE: He's what? CROW: He's caught a cold, and I can only think of one place he could have gotten it from. TOM:(sneezes) [Both BOTS glare at MIKE] MIKE: Hey, now, wait a minute. I've been here for years. Where would I have picked up a cold? TOM:(muffled) It's your stupid orgadic bake-up. You've gived be a cold. CROW: There, there, Tommy, try not to tire yourself. (He holds up a thermometer to MIKE) Would you? MIKE: Oh, come on... CROW: Mike! MIKE: All right, all right. Jeez. (He puts the thermometer into TOM's little beak. TOM sneezes again and the thermometer falls out - MIKE catches it and holds it up, squinting a little) CROW: Well? TOM: Ab I dyig or what? MIKE: Um - what temperature are you *supposed* to be? TOM: (indignant) How should *I* doe? [The light flashes] MIKE: Shh, Dr Ruth's calling. (he hits the button) Y'ello? [CF] PEARL: (somewhat disappointed) Oh, you're up already. [SOL] CROW: He's a morning person. [CF] PEARL:(pained) He would be. I *hate* that. [SOL] CROW: Hey, whaddaya know, me too! [CF] PEARL: Aw, how sweet, we have something in common. Shut up. Now, Mike, I realize it's kinda early to ask you to have your brain in gear - if in fact you have any gears beyond neutral - so you'll be pleased to hear that today's experiment won't require any thought out of you at all. [SOL] MIKE:(wary) Uh - really? [CF] PEARL: Really. Would I lie? (she chuckles evilly) [SOL] TOM:(sneezes) MIKE: Gesundheit. TOM:(muffled) Thag you. [CF] PEARL: Aw, has it got a little computer virus? Tough. You got five minutes to get out of those ridiculous pajamas, Nelson. (she blanks the screen) [SOL] MIKE: Okay, I'm gonna go get changed. You all right, Tommy? TOM:(sniffles) Guess so. (MIKE dashes off) CROW: I don't think you *do* have a cold, Tom. TOM: You doh't? CROW: Nope. I think you're allergic. TOM: To what? CROW: Hmm. Gypsy? No, no, that's ridiculous. TOM: You? CROW: Naahhh. TOM: But that ohdly leaves... ***MOVIE SIGN!*** [klaxon, lights, etc. MIKE comes sprinting onto the bridge in a panic, scrambling his arms into his jumpsuit] MIKE: That was *not* five minutes! TOM:(plaintively) Doh't for-ged be! [chaos takes over, as usual] [door sequence] [6...5...4...3...2...1...theatre] [MIKE moves to set TOM down in the normal place, but CROW stops him] CROW: No, Mike, why don't you take my seat, for today? MIKE:(baffled) Why? I always sit in the middle. CROW: Variety won't kill ya, will it? [They take their seats, MIKE somewhat puzzled. CROW is now between TOM and MIKE] MIKE: The view’s not as good from here. TOM: Wanna trade? MIKE: Heck no. > Ducks Out Of Luck TOM: I know how they feel. MIKE: Hey, you sound better. TOM: I *feel* better. Already. [The BOTS make 'aha!' type noises] >A Tiny Toon Adventures/Darkwing Duck/Uncle Scrooge crossover. CROW: You know, I always say it's important to keep things simple. That's what I like most about you, Mike. MIKE: I'm simple? TOM: You're not complex. > by Kevin Mickel (HKUriah@AOL.com) TOM: Many a Mickel macks a fanfic. CROW: He's on AOL! MIKE: Of *course* he is. How could he not be? >Author's note. This story is set at an indeterminate time in then future. ALL: (look around) MIKE: Okay. Now I'm worried. >Regular fans of TTA and DWD will notice that several major >changes have taken place in the lives of some of the characters. TOM: It's just like life! Only with worse dialogue! CROW: And worse acting! MIKE: And big anthropomorphic ducks everywhere! >On the very real chance though that someone reading this might not >be familiar with one of those programs, and in one case, fanfic >based upon it, I will offer the following quick reference to avoid >confusion. CROW: Thoughtful. > Plucky and Shirley are married. So are Drake and Morgana. So >are Launchpad and Beth Webfoot, a character from Rebecca >Littlehales's excellent ongoing DWD fanfic series. (pause) TOM: Mike, you don't really *need* us to stay here - MIKE: Hey, if I have to read this, so do you. >I'll also state that most of these characters have met before. The >tale of most of these initial meetings are related TOM: Like everyone *in* the stories, by the sounds of it. > in an as of yet unreleased story. CROW: Oh, goody. I hope we get to read that. MIKE: Shut up! He'll hear you. >Based upon comments from the very helpful folks who took a >pre-release look at thing for me, TOM: And the doctors say they'll be back on their feet in no time... >and they will be named later, I feel that it is necessary to mention >that I have based the characterization and personalities of Scrooge, >Donald, and Huey, Dewey & Louie upon that which is seen in the >comic books of Carl Barks, and to a lesser extent, the even older >Disney Theatrical Shorts. In other words, these are not the >characters from DuckTales or Quack Pack. Got all that? CROW: Check. TOM: Yup. MIKE: Think so. >Good. I'll shut up now and let you read the story. (MIKE glances at the exit) > Gosalyn Mallard watched with curiosity as the tiny electric car CROW: Must run on triple-As. >pulled up in front of the house on the corner, figuring that whoever >the driver was must be the house's new owner. TOM: And not a realtor, a viewer or just somebody wanting to borrow some engine oil. CROW: She's read the script. MIKE:(under his breath) At least *someone* around here has... > She started towards the vehicle to welcome whoever it was to the >neighborhood, TOM: Trusting little spot, isn't she? >but her curiosity turned to surprise as the driver got out of the >car. ALL:(gasp) CROW: David Hasselhoff! TOM:(hums 'Knight Rider' theme) >She was a fairly attractive blonde who was dressed in a pinkish- >purple sweater and had a large bow in her hair of the same color. TOM: Are we gonna be quizzed on this later? Pinkish-purple. Pinkish-purple... >What surprised Gos though was that she recognized her. "Shirley?" >she asked. "Shirley the Loon? Is that you?" CROW:(Shirley) Um, no! It's...someone...completely different. I just fell into this story and now there's no way ouuuuuut.... > Shirley turned to see who had addressed her. She looked at >Gosalyn for a few seconds before recognition seemed to form on >her face TOM: It's like one of those sliding tiles puzzles. > and she said, "Like, Gosalyn, right? Gosalyn... Mallard, >or some junk." MIKE: I think 'Some Junk' suits her better. > "That's me," said Gos. "Don't tell me you didn't recognize me." > "Well, the ponytail is quite a change from the pigtails you used >to sport." CROW: Yeah. You've changed your hairstyle slightly and now I have no idea who you are. > Gosalyn nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I guess it is. So, what are >you doing here?" TOM: I've come to, like, destroy you, foolish one! CROW: Surely you can't be serious! MIKE: Do I have to make the obvious joke? TOM: No, Mike, that's okay. > "Well, I like, live here now. The sale becomes final as soon as I >move in." > Gosalyn's face brightened at that announcement. MIKE: Agh! Brightlight! Brightlight! >"Awesome! Shirley the Loon is gonna be my new neighbor!" > "Oh," said Shirley with a faint grin, "actually, it's Shirley Duck >now. Plucky and I got married three years ago. CROW: 'The Loon' was her surname? TOM: Yeah, Crow T. Robot. CROW: You're a one to talk, Servo. MIKE: Let's not get into this again. TOM: Sorry, Major Nelson. CROW: Where's Jeannie? >I'm surprised you didn't know. It was, like, in all the trades and >stuff." > Gosalyn shook her head. "Well, that was about the same time >that Dad finally married Morgana. I was kinda busy then." MIKE: She lost the ability to read due to her dad getting married? > "Oh, well, that explains it. You were to totally busy with stuff >of your own to notice." > "Something like that," said Gos with a wry smile. "Anyway, >how come you're moving to St. Canard?" TOM: Well, I heard there are, like, totally cool supervillains here. > "Well, it's like this. Acme Loo is gonna be opening a new >satellite campus here. Plucky and I are gonna be on staff, and >Daffy's gonna be the dean, or some junk." CROW: The idea of Daffy Duck being involved here pains me. MIKE: Could be worse. Could be Donald. > "Wow. How'd they manage that?" > "Well now that's a totally weird story. You see..." > Shirley was cut off ALL: >as a big moving van with the words "Acme Movers" on the side >pulled up next to the house. TOM: Want something moved fast and then blown up? CROW: Need your possessions turned into a catapult? MIKE: Those pesky Road Runners following you to your new home? ALL: Call Acme Movers! CROW:Dynamite charges not included. > "Oh, cool," she said. "Our stuff is here." > "Can I help you move in?" asked Gos. > "No need," said Shirley. "Like watch." > By now the van had backed up so that it was next to the house. > As Shirley told Gos to watch, the back end of the vehicle began >to jack itself up until it's rear doors were just over the house's >chimney. MIKE: This is...so...interesting... >Then, a giant mechanical hand came out of the roof of the truck's >cab and put a huge funnel into the chimney. Then the cargo section >tilted itself backwards, CROW: Uh, Mike? >and a collection of furniture, anvils and other household items were >poured out of the truck and into the house. TOM: Mike? >This lasted for only a few seconds before the van was empty, the >hand removed the funnel, and after it retracted into the cab, the >cargo box cranked back down onto the vehicles frame, and the >truck drove away. BOTH: MIKE!! MIKE: What? What? I'm watching! > "Keen gear!" exclaimed Gosalyn as she watched it leave. >"How'd they do that?" > "It's like, an Acme thing. ALL: Ohhhhh. CROW: That explains it. >It'll be one of the things that we're gonna be teaching at the new >Loo. How old are you know?" > "Just turned 16." TOM: It's like, an acne thing. > "Well, you should totally apply, or some junk. I'm sure >you'd get in." CROW: Like, we accept anybody! > "Maybe I will," said Gosalyn. "In fact I'd..." > Gos was cut off CROW: This is happening to people a lot. >as a huge black automobile with a duck bill shaped hood CROW: Stylish. MIKE: Oh, deny you want one. CROW:...I can't! >pulled up next to Shirley's electric car with a window rattling roar. >After revving the engine a couple of times, the driver shut it down, >and as it whined through the shutdown cycle, TOM: It's nice to see this kind of attention to detail. >the car's canopy slid open and Gosalyn watched as a green >feathered duck wearing a white T-shirt who was about the same >height as her father MIKE: That's one tall T-shirt. >climbed out of the car. After closing the canopy, he looked over at >Shirley and said, "Hiya, Shirl. Did our stuff arrive okay?" > Shirley rolled her eyes skyward as she looked at her husband's >car. "Yes, Plucky," she said with effort. TOM: Difficult...to...speak. Must...finish...sentence... >"The movers just left, or some junk." > "Great!" he said with a mischievous grin and an odd gleam >in his eye. "Whattaya say we go inside and..." Plucky cut himself >off when he finally noticed Gosalyn. "Oh, hello," he said >nonchalantly. MIKE: Is Serena gonna be in this one? >"Who're you?" > "Plucky," said Shirley as she and Gos made their way over to >him, "This is Gosalyn Mallard. She lives down the street." > "Drake's daughter?" asked Plucky with surprise. "Gee, the last >time I saw you, you were just a kid." CROW: Well, see, Plucky, in the real world kids do this thing called 'growing up'. Don't strain yourself to grasp the concept. > "Well that *was* awhile ago," said Gosalyn as she rolled her >eyes skyward. Then turning to Plucky's car, and grinning widely as >she pointed at it, she asked, "Whattaya call it?" TOM: Binky. > "Oh, you like it, huh? Well, *this* is the Duckmobile! I used it >in a couple of my old Batduck pictures. Warner Bros. let me keep >it." MIKE: Warner Brothers *exist* in this universe? Shouldn't that mean Disney do too? And they're all just actors? CROW: Leave it alone, Mike. > "Cool!" said Gos with excitement. "How fast does it go?" > "Well," said Plucky with pride, "let's just say that it would be a >very popular car in those states with no speed limit." TOM: Which we don't live in. So for me, it's actually pretty pointless except as a macho posture. > "Uh-huh," said Gosalyn absentmindedly as she wondered what >she would have to do to be able to drive it, MIKE: Don't, Crow. Before you start. Just don't. CROW: What? >and how it would do in a race with her father's motorcycle, the >Ratcatcher. She tried to think of a tactful way to ask if she could >give the car a try TOM: Can I drive your car, pleeeeeeese? >when she saw that now would not be a good time to do >so. MIKE: Here comes the plot, guys! >Apparently the window rattling arrival of the Duckmobile had >attracted some attention. TOM: Was that an attempt at irony there? CROW: Don't think so. Must have been accidental. >Just about everyone who lived on Avian Way was coming out >to see what had caused all the racket. "Uh-oh," said Gos when she >saw that her father was leading the pack, (ALL make motorbike noises) TOM: My friends were always puttin' him dooowwnnn... MIKE&CROW: Down, down... >and he didn't look too happy. > "Now, Drake," said Morgana as she walked beside him, >"try to control your temper." > "Temper-shmemper," snarled Drake Mallard. CROW: Temper-shmemper, I want my fisticuffs. >"I wanna know what the source of all this, this, NOISE, is." TOM: Um - could it be that huge car shaped like a duck's head? MIKE: Always reject the obvious! > "Hi, neighbor!" said Plucky in his most friendly voice as they >drew near to him. "How goes it?" > "How goes it?" asked Drake incredulously. "How goes it? >How do you think it goes?!? MIKE: I was assuming some kind of hydrogen fuel. Was that wrong? >How'd you like to have your much needed sleep rudely interrupted >by a, a car that sounds like a refugee from a rocket factory?" TOM: I'd love it! >"Sleep?" asked Plucky with confusion. "Who sleeps at 10:30 in >the morning?" (The bots look at MIKE) MIKE: What? >"I do," snarled Drake with a hint of threat in his voice. CROW: Previously he'd been snarling in a friendly way. > "Hey," said Plucky, stating to get angry, "it's not my fault. TOM: The car does what it wants, man. >Most people sleep at *night* you know." > "But I don't. And if I ever get awakened by that, thing, again, >I'll personally take it apart one nut at a time!" TOM: That could take a while, in this town. > "Oh yeah?" demanded Plucky. "You and what army?" CROW: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police! They owe me a favour. > "I won't need one." > "You wanna bet?" > "Just try me." > "You're on." MIKE: God, the tension - you could cut the air with a knife. CROW: Breath mints are your friends, Mike. (TOM snickers) > The belligerence in the two combatants was beginning to get >more and more obvious. CROW: Even to these morons. >In fact, it was clear to all that they were about to come to blows >when both of them found themselves bound by chords of light and >were dragged apart from each other. MIKE: Someone’s been playing Final Fantasy. > "Stop it!" said Shirley and Morgana in unison. CROW: They went on to give a lovely two-part rendition of ‘Danny Boy’. > "Let go of me!" said Plucky and Drake simultaneously as they >looked at their wives. TOM:(sings) Pleeeeease release me, let me goooo... > Then they looked back to each other and added, "Huh?" CROW: Duh, purdy lights... > Shirley and Morgana looked at each other with surprise. Shirley >raised her eyebrows slightly and Morgana nodded in response. >With that, Shirley released her psychic hold on Plucky, and >Morgana released Drake from her spell. MIKE: Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up. > "Wow," said Gosalyn. "That was intense!" TOM: Thank you, Miss Analysis. > "Hmm," said Drake thoughtfully to Plucky, "it seems that we >have a few things in common." MIKE: Oh, wait, I've seen this one. This is where Plucky agrees to kill Morgana, and Drake agrees to kill Shirley, but it all goes horribly wrong. TOM:(to CROW) What have I said about letting him watch proper movies? > "Yeah, it does." > "Look," said Drake. "I'm sorry I came across so hostile. I just >like to sleep late, that's all. I'm something of a night owl." CROW: Shouldn't that be night duck? Heh. > "Ah, forget it," said Plucky. "Besides, I don't have to gun the >engine while I'm in the driveway. I'll keep that in mind." MIKE: What a guy. > "Great!" said Gosalyn, sensing that a mood of friendliness was >now in the making. "So, now that that's all settled, can I take the >Duckmobile for a spin?" "NO!" shouted Plucky, Shirley, TOM: You guys aren't the boss of me! > Drake and Morgana in unison. TOM: Oh, okay. > "Eep!" said Gos as she raised her hands in surrender. "I was only asking." > ########## MIKE: Dead men don't wear plaid. > Magica De Spell looked out the window of her sorcery shop on >the slopes of Mt. Vesuvius. With a grim nod, CROW: Yup, Italy's still there. > she turned back to her notes to double check for errors. >Everything was in order. Assuming that her theory was correct, >then soon, very soon, Scrooge McDuck's Number One Dime would >be hers, and then, untold riches would follow. TOM: But she's a sorceress, right? Why can't she just magic some money? MIKE: Traditionally magic can't create from thin air - CROW: Oh, come on, *I* can create money. Just give me five minutes with a modem and your credit card. MIKE: I'm not falling for *that* again. > There was only one problem, she needed to test it. She did not >want to try it in Duckburg though. TOM: Test what? Try what? >If it was a failure, she'd be hard pressed to make a clean escape. MIKE: Yeah, those Duckburg police are notorious. >She needed to test, and perhaps ultimately try her idea when >Scrooge, and hopefully his interfering nephews, were away from >the sanctuary of his impregnable Money Bin. CROW: I just get this image of a huge porcelain pig with padlocks all over it. MIKE: Huh? TOM: Smile and nod, Mike, smile and nod. >Unsure of how to proceed, CROW: First one foot, then the other. >she looked over her copy of The Duckburg Times and saw an >interesting article. MIKE: '101 Reasons Why Chocolate is Better Than a Man'... > "Of course," she muttered as she read the article over. "St. >Canard." TOM: Oh, of *course*! Pick the city where there are superheroes! CROW: Yeah, why not go down the hill and try it out in Rome? MIKE: She has to get into the main plot *somehow*. > Knowing now where she was going to deliver her strike, she >turned to the question of how. TOM: Most people would do that the other way around. > For months she had been working to perfect a potion that would >render any duck powerless to resist her commands. MIKE: I call it - decaff! >Realizing that she'd never get McDuck to drink such a concoction >though, she modified the mixture so that it's vapors merely needed >to be inhaled. Of course the problem of how to get the vapors to >the nose of Scrooge, and anyone else that may be near him, was >still eluding her. TOM: She could put it in the water supply! CROW: She could inject it into the ventilation system! MIKE: She could throw it in his face! (pause) TOM: She won't, though. > "It doesn't matter," she thought. "I'll think of something by the >time I get to St. Canard, CROW: Oh, brilliant forward planning, Magica, way to be the big evildoer. >and at the moment, getting out of here to get there is my biggest >problem." [ALL chuckle] MIKE: Yeah, join the club. > Looking out towards the rocks where the spies that Scrooge had >sent to watch her and warn him if she were ever to leave the >country were hiding, CROW: I told em, I said to em, get off my chrysanthemums! Watchin' me with rays... > she mused, "But it won't be for long." > Acting quickly, she filled a mason jar with foof bombs and >shaped changed into a raven. TOM: With *what* bombs? MIKE: Foof. TOM: I don't get it. MIKE: Try just saying it. TOM: Foof. Foof...hey, actually, I like it. > Grabbing the jar in her talons, she flew out over the spies' camp >site and proceeded to foof them into insensibility. CROW: Heh-heh-heh... > Returning to her shop, and then her natural form, she chuckled >to herself, knowing that after having that many foof bombs dropped >on them the two spies would be out of commission for several >days. TOM: And that was her *biggest* problem. I can't wait till the small problems show up, it'll be gripping. > "Well, at least I don't have to worry about them warning Scrooge >that I'm on my way. Now if only I could figure out how..." CROW: I have no internal monologue... > Magica stopped when the answer finally came to her. "Of >course!" >she exclaimed. "I should have thought of it sooner. My foof >bombs!" MIKE: No, if you'd thought of it sooner we wouldn't have been treated to that glimpse inside your head. > Finally knowing what she had to do, Magica took a medium >sized bomb and immersed it in the concoction that she had spent so >many weeks perfecting. Once she was satisfied that is was >saturated with the stuff, she pulled it out of the vat, and dropping it >into her purse, TOM: Oh, good move. Wait till she needs to find it in a hurry. MIKE: It'll be fun when she tries to foof everyone with a lipstick and half a packet of Polo mints. > she said, "Soon, Scrooge. Very soon, your Number One Dime will >be mine!" ALL:(evil 'bwahahahahahahaaa!' laughter) > ########## CROW: Anyone else feel like tic-tac-toe? TOM: I feel like a break. MIKE: Yeah, let's get outta here. [They exit] [Commercials. Something that looks like an expensive music video but turns out to be advertising jeans. Or possibly hair gel. It's difficult to tell] [SOL bridge. TOM is lying on his back, prevented from rolling away by a couple of random bits of metal used as supports. CROW is behind the counter. He has a green surgical mask on] TOM: I'm not sure this is a good idea. CROW: Sure it's a good idea. Would ya rather have Mike poking around in there? TOM: Did he really say this was okay? CROW:(all innocence) Would I lie to you? [After a moment's thought, TOM begins frantically trying to get up. He can't, succeeding only in rolling back and forth a little] TOM: MIIIIIIIIIIIKE! MIKE:(OS) Be right there... [CROW is alarmed. He looks around, then grabs hold of TOM's discarded fluffy towel and tosses it over the smaller bot. Enter MIKE] MIKE: What's up? CROW: Nothing. Servo was calling you. [TOM makes urgent muffled noises. MIKE frowns] MIKE: Have you seen him? CROW: No. I think he went to the basement. [MIKE gives CROW a long, suspicious look] MIKE: What's under the towel, Doctor? CROW: Uh, nothing! [TOM's yells become more urgent. He's audibly saying 'Under HERE, you organic moron!'] MIKE: Yeah, sure. Crow, what have I told you about performing surgery on others? CROW:(reluctantly) I'm not allowed to dissect anyone on the SOL. MIKE: Exactly. CROW: I wasn't gonna dissect him! I wanna fix him. MIKE: He sounded just fine during the movie. [TOM has gotten a bit quieter. The occasional muffled swearword is all that can be heard] CROW: Only 'cos we switched seats. I think he's allergic to humans. MIKE:(amused) Me? CROW: Or maybe just you, yeah. The only other example round here is Pearl and I don't think we need her visiting us right now. [MIKE finally uncovers TOM and picks him up] MIKE: But that's ridiculous, robots don't get allergies - [TOM sneezes violently. MIKE almost drops him] TOM: Thags, Bike. MIKE:(fighting a losing battle and he knows it) But it's just silly... CROW: I read where sometimes if you get a new dog, it can take a little while for the allergy to kick in. So you take the dog home and it becomes a member of the family, and then you have to get rid of it 'cos it makes someone sneeze. MIKE:(hurt) Gee, thanks. TOM: How it goes. MIKE: And neither of you ever sneezed when Joel was here? CROW: Not that I remember. TOM: We've chaydged a lot. MIKE:(doubtfully) Still. I can't see how - [MOVIE SIGN! Lights, klaxon, etc] MIKE:(hastily) We'll finish this later! [General chaos. 6...5...4...3...2...1...theatre] [Everyone sits where they were for the last part - from left-to-right it's Tom, Crow, Mike] >The next morning, while Shirley was out buying groceries, Plucky >was tinkering around under the hood of the Duckmobile, CROW: Nice to see Women's Lib wasn't a complete waste of everybody's time. > trying to figure out why the car wouldn't start. MIKE: Maybe it's because you have a bird in your engine compartment. > "Stupid no good razzafrazzin' pieceasoanso," he muttered. CROW:(enthusiastically) Darn it all to heck! TOM: Consarn it. > "What's wrong with it this time?" > He continued to stare at the engine with futility TOM: Like last time he stared at the engine it spontaneously fixed itself? > when someone behind him said, "Gotta problem with your car?" MIKE: No, I'm teaching the ants the alphabet. Duh. > Plucky turned to see a very tall and strong looking duck who >wore a leather jacket and a flight cap standing over him. Plucky >thought he looked familiar, TOM: The duck or the flight cap? CROW: Say, weren't you in 'Biggles'? > but couldn't remember from where. "Yeah," he said with disgust. >"The dumb thing won't start." MIKE: He's just dancing all over the Guy Code. He hasn't stood around making 'hmm' noises for anywhere near long enough yet. CROW: You are *such* a jock. MIKE: I am not! TOM:(chuckling) Sure you are. > "Hmm," said the newcomer thoughtfully. "Mind if I take a look at >it? My name's Launchpad. Launchpad McQuack. My wife and I >live a coupla houses down. I'm sort of a mechanic." CROW: If I wanted your life story I'd *ask* for it. MIKE:(getting slightly plaintive) I'm *not* a jock. I read books. TOM: Will you give it up? > "Sure," said Plucky with resignation. "Why not? I sure don't >know what's wrong." CROW: But I had a good mess around with the engine anyway. MIKE: Am I really a jock? TOM: Don't worry about it, we like you anyway. CROW:(sotto) Not that someone with a clue wouldn't come in handy... > "No problem-o," said Launchpad as he started to poke around >under the hood. "Oh, here's the trouble," he said after only a few >seconds, and the engine suddenly roared to life. TOM: Tragically, Launchpad was holding a battery wire in one hand. There was roast duck in St. Canard that night. > "Hey, that's great!" said Plucky. "What'd you do?" > "Oh, I just cleaned out your air intake. It was all clogged up. MIKE: You shouldn't drive over so many pigeons. >See?" > With that, Launchpad lifted up the hose in question and pointed >it in Plucky's general direction, and it immediately sucked the >hapless green duck into the carburetor. [ALL chuckle] CROW: The most fun you can have with a hose. On your own. > As a result of this, the Duckmobile's engine began to cough and >sputter as Plucky was forced through the system until he was >forcefully blown out the tailpipe with a loud, "Plaaahhh!!!" > "Oops," said Launchpad [ALL laugh] CROW: Remind you of anyone? TOM:*KABOOM*! Oops... MIKE: Hey. >as he hastily killed the engine and hurried over to Plucky's side. >He was covered from head to foot in black soot, and his eyes >were glazed over as his tongue rolled out of his beak. "Uh, you >okay?" asked Launchpad meekly. MIKE: Oh, yeah, I'm just trying the Gothic look... > "No more for me thanks," said Plucky in his most groggy voice, >"I'm driving!" > Launchpad began to grow concerned for Plucky TOM: Oh, *now* he's concerned. Where was this concern when you were pointing intake tubes at people? CROW:(ominously) The hidden danger on America's roads, intake tubes that kill. Tomorrow on 60 Minutes. >and he was about to call for help when the green mallard TOM: Except mallards aren't green. CROW: They have green heads. TOM: Quit defending the author! MIKE: I think we can assume that 'mallard' here is just a synonym for 'duck', okay? [pause] BOTS: Jock. >began to rigorously shake himself. Bits of soot and charred >feathers flew away from his body, and after a few seconds of this >he stood still, and looked every bit his normal self. "Oh man that >hurt!" he said as he shook his head as if to clear it. CROW: Whew, finally got rid of those memories of 'The Red Shoe Diaries'. > Launchpad looked at him with amazement. "Hey! You're all >right!" TOM: No thanks to you. > "Of course I am," said Plucky matter of factly. "It'll take more >than a trip through an internal combustion engine to take out this >little green duck!" MIKE: 'Little Green Duck'...I think we sang that in grade school. TOM:(sings) Ha ha ha, hee hee hee, little green duck how I loathe thee... > "I guess so," said Launchpad as he considered what he had just >seen. Then, his face brightened as a thought occurred to him. CROW: Ding! > Say," he asked with enthusiasm, "do you think you could teach >DW to shake off injuries like that? He's always gettin' hurt on the >job." CROW:(laughs wildly) MIKE: Oh come on, cut it out. > "Why sure I could," said Plucky. "That's why we're here and... >Say, did you just say, 'DW?' TOM: What are you, deaf?? >Now I remember you; you're Darkwing Duck's sidekick, aren't >you?" CROW: I wonder if Robin had this problem. > "I sure am," said Launchpad with pride. Then, recognition came >to him also. "Say, I remember you. You and DW once raced up >the side of a building." MIKE: How did they manage that? TOM: They knocked the building down first. > Plucky winced as Launchpad said that. Not only was that "race," >rather embarrassing, the circumstances that led to it were far from >pleasant, and Plucky was trying hard to forget about them. CROW: Well? What *were* they?? MIKE: Probably happened in an earlier fanfic. CROW: Well I wanna *know*! TOM: Fine, when Pearl hears this and sends that fanfic up here, you can watch it alone. > "Yeah," he said with a shrug, "I guess we did." Then quickly >changing the subject, he added, "Uh, Launchpad, you will see >Darkwing today, won't you?" MIKE: Skilfully changing the subject from Darkwing Duck to Darkwing Duck. > "Of course I will. Why?" > "Well, I'd like to get in touch with him. Y'see, I'd like to offer >him a job." > "A job? Doin' what?" CROW: Just some typing. I run a temp agency, see - MIKE:(yells) RUN, LAUNCHPAD, AND NEVER LOOK BACK!! [pause] MIKE: Sorry. TOM: That's okay. > "Teaching Super-heroics 101 at the new Loo. I'd've done it >myself, but the regents want a *real* superhero, so I figured he'd be >as good a choice as any. In fact, you could probably do some sort >of a course in side-kicking if you wanted to." CROW: Remember, the role of the sidekick is to look cute, get kidnapped a lot, become more popular than the hero and get kicked off the show in a flurry of recriminations and publicity. > "Me, a teacher?" MIKE: No, me teacher, you mechanic. TOM: Me, doctor? CROW: No, me doctor, she nurse, you patient. MIKE: No, doctor... CROW: No doctor, call ambulance, keep warm. > "Sure, why not?" > "Well, I..." MIKE: I have no qualifications, I hate paperwork and young people send me into jealous rages. CROW: Okay, you got the job! Any reasons we *shouldn't* hire ya? > "Hey, take some time to think it over. No need to decide right >now. Still, do you think you could set up that meeting for me with >Darkwing?" TOM: I'll have my people call your people... > "Uh, yeah, I guess so. DW'd probably love to do it." > "I'm sure he would," said Plucky. "In the meantime though, I >need you to promise me something." > "Sure, what?" CROW: Get a chin job. I'm afraid you're gonna put someone's eye out. > "Never, ever point the Duckmobile's air intake hose at anyone!" > "Gotcha!" said Launchpad with a grin. "No problem-o." TOM: He'll forget. MIKE: Maybe this is foreshadowing. This might be how they defeat Magica. > About then, Shirley returned from the grocery store in her tiny >electric car. CROW: *About* then? Weren't they paying attention? >Plucky turned to greet her, TOM: Hello, my dearest darling. >and noticed that she was not alone. With her was a tall duck-lady MIKE: Gee, I never took that literally...Chicken Lady... >with shoulder length brown hair that she wore in a ponytail, and >who had on thick round glasses. "Hiya, Shirl," said Plucky as the >two of them climbed out of the car. TOM: Don't you think you should install doors in your car, honey? >"Who's your friend?" > Before Shirley could answer him, Launchpad broke out into a >broad grin and said, "Ah, that's just my wife," and he started >over towards them. MIKE: He can forget it, after that 'just my wife' comment. > Plucky watched as Launchpad swept the woman into his arms, CROW: He's a janitor, too! Wow. >and after kissing her warmly, he said, "Hiya, Beth. I missed ya." > "Hi yourself, Launchpad," said Beth as she smiled back at him. > "Me too." CROW: Aw, they're so cute. Mike, do you have a bucket? > 'Oh brother,' Plucky found himself thinking, but said nothing as >Shirley, who could read his mind, MIKE: Didn't take her very long. >glared at him. > "Where'd ya go?" asked Launchpad. > "Well, Shirley here needed to get some groceries, so I showed >her where the supermarket is." TOM: I figured she was actually that dumb. > "Well, that was nice of ya," said LP. > "It totally was," said Shirley. "Without Beth's help, Ida been >completely lost, or some junk." MIKE: She *is* that dumb, apparently. > Plucky meanwhile, was looking at all the bags that were stuffed >into Shirley's car. "Gee, Shirl," he said with confusion. "What'd >you do? Buy a whole year's worth of stuff? CROW: Wait, I know this one...two in the front, two in the back and one in the glovebox. Right? > "Oh, no," said Beth. "Most of that is mine. CROW: I eat like a pig, you know. >Launchpad, would you be a dear and carry our stuff home. It's in >the plastic bags. Shirley's are in the paper ones." > "Sure," said LP as he opened the cargo hatch and scooped the >indicated mountain of bags into his arms. It was so large that he >could not see over, around, or even through it. TOM: Smaller bags are transparent. > "Is this all?" he asked. > "Yep," said Beth. > "Great," said LP. "This oughta hold us until at least tomorrow." MIKE: Unless a relative shows up. CROW: Imagine on Hallowe'en. The kids just go to their house and nowhere else. > "I'm sure it will," said Beth with a grin. "Come on, I'll lead > you home. TOM: You're *certainly* that dumb. > Shirley, thanks again for the ride." TOM: I mean, I realise you *needed* me, but hey, thanks for allowing me into your car. > "Like, no big deal. Anytime you need a lift, let me know." > "I will. So, are we all set for tomorrow night?" > "What's tomorrow night?" asked Plucky. MIKE: It's our Tupperware party. We sure know how to have fun, huh? > "Beth's invited us over for dinner. I told her we'd come." CROW: You, like, don't have any problem with that, right? > "Hey, that's great," said Launchpad from behind his mountain of >food. "I'll make some brownies!" MIKE: And some elves, and some pixies, and - CROW: Mike. No. > Plucky could have sworn that Beth winced as LP said that, TOM: He'll use up all my pot... >but pretended not to notice as she said, "Well, we'll see, dear." ALL:(chuckle) CROW: He's dead. >Then taking him by the sleeve, TOM:...and spilling their shopping over the sidewalk... >she started leading him home and said, "We'd better go before this >stuff thaws. CROW: The canned ham's gonna thaw?! MIKE: Shut up, honey. >Bye, Shirley. Bye, Plucky." > "Bye," said Plucky and Shirley in unison as they walked away. TOM: The dialogue leaps off the page!! > "Interesting couple," said Plucky once they were gone. > "That's totally true," said Shirley with a nod. "But I like 'em. MIKE: Which is odd, cuz I usually despise interesting people. >They're really nice, or some junk." > ########## CROW: Shut the screen door, Earl, before them durn 'skeeters come in! > "And thso," said Daffy Duck, as he stood at the podium, "I am >pleased to announth that CROW: I am not wearing any pants. Again. > the Sthaint Canard camputh of Acme Loonverthity will be >thtarting clatheth thith fall!" TOM: May God have merthy on uth all. > After closing and putting away the umbrellas that they had been >using to protect themselves from flying spittle, MIKE: You...t-tactleth bathtardth! CROW: Say it, don't spray it, man. > the small crowd that was gathered at the Looniversity steps, >city officials, Looniversity faculty, and a few prospective >students and their parents CROW: You gotta wonder what those people were doing to attract a crowd. > applauded politely as Daffy said this, more out of relief that he >had finally shut up than anything else though. > "I don't get it," said Donald Duck to his three nephews. "Why >do you want to go to school here?" > "Because, Unca Donald, this will-- > "--be a great place to study and--" > "--have fun at the same time!" TOM: Oh, the drugs. Gotcha. > "Whatever," said Donald as he rolled his eyes skyward. Even >after all these years, he was still unable to figure out how his >nephews were able to complete each others sentences that way, MIKE: They're obviously clones. CROW: So which one was the original? >and it still amazed him when they did it. TOM: Huey. Huey always comes first. >"Come on," he added, MIKE: Yeah, but isn't that just to make it easier to say? Huey, Dewey, Louie... >"let's take a look around." CROW: It's just as easy to say any other way. TOM: Louie, Dewey, Huey... > Donald and the boys explored the campus eagerly, MIKE: Movie, you guys. >and it wasn't long before they came across the first of many >surprises. CROW: Unisex changing rooms, all *right*! >Heading over to the faculty building so the boys could make sure >they knew where their various instructors offices' were going to be, MIKE: No, no! That's how you're *supposed* to spend the first month of college! Being lost! TOM: Remind us again how long you spent at college. MIKE: ...shut up. >they were shocked to see an office with a nameplate on it that said, >"$ McDuck." > "No," said Donald, when he saw it. "It couldn't be," and he >reached out to knock on the door. CROW: And his hand was ripped off and left on the door was nothing but a hook! > "Come in," said a disturbingly familiar voice on the other side of >it. TOM: Run, boys, it's Geraldo! > Donald opened the door to see his Uncle Scrooge sitting at a >small desk with a big smile on his face. MIKE: Just don't, Crow. Don't tread on my childhood here. >"Well it's about time you got here," he said. "I was starting to >wonder where you were." TOM: Of course then I remembered you were morons. > "Unca Scrooge?" said Huey, Dewey and Louie in unison. "What >are you doing here?" CROW: Aw, come on, Mike! MIKE: No. > "Well that should be obvious boys," said Scrooge as he stood up >to greet them. TOM: To anyone with an actual brain cell, that is. >"Your Uncle Donald certainly can't afford your tuition here, MIKE: Oh, thanks a *lot*, humiliate me in front of my family... >and as the sole heirs to my three cubic acres of money, TOM: Cubic acre? MIKE: It's allowed. CROW: No, Mike, an acre is already a square measurement. You can't have cubic square miles, can ya? [pause] MIKE: Quit reading books. It's bad for you. >you're ineligible for financial aide. That means the bill came to >me. TOM:(laughs hysterically) Bill....duck...it's funny... CROW: Oh boy. >Well do you know how expensive this place is? I nearly passed out >when I saw how much it was going to cost." MIKE: See, this is why they don't make him balance the federal budget. > "But that doesn't > "--explain what--" > "--you're doing here," said Huey, Dewey and Louie. TOM: That's really MIKE: --gonna get-- CROW: --irritating. > "I'm coming to that, boys. You see, I found out that the relatives >of faculty members get to attend for free. So I..." TOM: ...had the place closed. Down with nepotism! > "So you got a job on the faculty," said Donald with a shake of >his head. > "Exactly," said Scrooge with a hint of triumph. "Not only do the >boys get to attend for nothing, but I am going to make a tidy sum >myself on my professor's salary." > "But what are you gonna teach?" asked the boys. MIKE: 'How I Gave Up Love For Money And Made It Work'! TOM: 'Selling Your Organs For Fun And Profit'! CROW: 'From Miser To Lovable Scottish Stereotype In Twelve Easy Lessons'! > "Epic Adventurism," said Scrooge with pride. "My many exploits >make me the perfect person to teach such a course." CROW: As well as 'Cool Theme Tunes 101'. > None of the Ducks could argue with that statement, having MIKE...scarcely one brain cell between them. >shared in many of those adventures themselves over the years. > "But never mind all of that," said Scrooge. TOM: I'm just organising your lives for you, you pathetic little peons. Don't worry about it. >"I take it that you're still exploring the campus? Let's head over to >the Rec Hall. If I know you three, that's one place that you'll want >to be aquatinted with." CROW: Gee, I was hoping to be a delicate lemony shade... TOM: Mike! Mike! I wanna be aquatinted! Can I? MIKE:(standing) I guess... [They exit] [SOL bridge. CROW is present, looking pleased with himself. Also on the counter are a tin of blue paint, several paintbrushes and something that, were it not now a hideous shade of turquoise, you could almost swear was Tom Servo. MIKE enters] MIKE: Hey, Crow, have you seen the YAAAAH! What have you done?? CROW: He wanted to be aquatinted, Mike. MIKE: Butbutbut... [TOM attempts to talk, but the paint has dried and all he can do is make muffled 'mmf' noises] MIKE: Okay, I'm gonna get this stuff off him - CROW: No, Mike! I'm an artist! (he brandishes the paintbrush with one semi-functional arm) This is my greatest ever creation! I call it 'Futility'. MIKE: Tom can't talk. I don't think it's good for him - CROW: We artists are beyond such ethical considerations, Mike. MIKE: Uh-huh. Okay. See, what you've done here is taken one little spelling error, compounded by ill-advised use of a Word spellchecker, and made Servo suffer. CROW:(reasonably) You'd rather it was you? MIKE:(picks up TOM and exits) I got some paint thinner somewhere, Tommy, don't panic. CROW:(yells after him) Bring that back, Nelson! I'm warning you!! MIKE:(OS) Yeah, sure. CROW: Just don't go to sleep, meat puppet, that's all! Never ever sleep again!!! [commercial] [Theatre] MIKE: You okay now, Tom? TOM: Yeah, and oddly, Mike, it seems to have cleared up my allergy, too - (he sneezes) [MIKE sighs and they all shuffle around again] > ########## TOM: He's making a real *hash* of this story. (giggles happily) MIKE: Ugh. > "Come *on,* Dad," said Gosalyn as she tugged at her father's >arm. I'd like to see a few more things before it gets dark." CROW: Gos, remind me to tell you about this amazing invention that lets you see things even after the sun has set. > "All right, Gosalyn, all right," said Drake as he shook his head >and continued to stare at the mural depicting scenes from several >WB superhero cartoons. TOM: This Batman guy is just a ripoff of me... > "Maybe I *will* take that teaching job Launchpad mentioned," he >murmured. "These people have got a lot to learn about being >a superhero." MIKE: Why, some of them are even competent! It's pathetic. > "DAD," said Gos with growing impatience. "It hasn't changed >in the last half-hour, and will still be there later. CROW: Just like all the other things I'm so anxious to see! You're so *selfish*, Dad! > *Come on!*" > With a sigh, Drake turned away from the mural and said, "Okay, >okay. Where to now?" > "How about the Rec Hall?" asked Gos. "I hear they got a whole >wall full of arcade games!" MIKE: It's gonna be hard to reach the ones near the ceiling. > Visions of Gosalyn spending all of her tuition money, one >quarter at a time, began to form in Drake's mind as she said this. TOM: Okay, Mike, if she's got ten thousand dollars and she spends, on average, five minutes per quarter, how long can she play Time Crisis on her tuition money? MIKE: Um..uh..give me a second... CROW: Two hundred thousand minutes, so that's what, about..twenty solid weeks, give or take. (The others stare at him) My grandfather was a pocket calculator, okay? >"Well, maybe," he said with reluctance. "But only if you promise >to come back here and look at this thing with me some more later >on." TOM: It's bound to drop its guard sooner or later. > "Deal" said Gosalyn, with absolutely no intention of coming >back later. CROW: I like her. She reminds me of me. > "It's over this way." > "Where's Morgana?" asked Drake as they headed over. > "I think she went over there a while ago while you were busy >staring at the wall." MIKE: She said she had to see some 'Arthur' guy about his son. Not sure what that's about. > "I was not 'staring at the wall.' I was studying it." > "Yeah, whatever," said Gosalyn. "Sure. Next you'll be telling >me that being a super hero is just a hobby for you." MIKE: You said stamp-collecting was dorky! > They continued the argument all the way to the Rec Hall, and >just before they got there they ran into Scrooge, Donald, and Huey, >Dewey & Louie, who took one look at Gosalyn and sighed heavily. TOM:(sighs heavily) We gotta talk to *her* now. Ick. >"Hi, Gosalyn," the three of them said together as they focused their >full attention on the young redhead. CROW: Which three? Cuz she's too young for Scrooge. > "Oh great," muttered Gosalyn as she looked back at their puppy- >dog stares. TOM: It's 'bring a dog to college' week. > 'Where's Honker when I need him?' she thought. CROW: I ask myself that every minute of every day. >She'd always thought it was rather weird that the three of them had >a crush on her, especially when none of them saw any conflict in it MIKE: So incest is just 'weird' now. >Taking a deep breath to build up her courage she said, "Hi guys. >How you all been?" > "We're-- > "--just--" > "--fine." MIKE: Then-- TOM: --bite-- CROW: --me. > "Ah," said Gos with a polite nod. "Good." Then whispering to >her father, she added, "Get me outta here!" MIKE: Quick, now, before they want to make small talk about the weather! > "Uhm, yes, well," said Drake as he tried to think. "Uh, here's >the Rec Hall you wanted to see, Gos. Let's go take a look." > "Great!" said the boys in unison. "That's where we were going!" MIKE:(chuckles) Oh, smooth, kids. > "Thanks a lot, Dad," said Gosalyn as she went inside, with >Huey, Dewey & Louie following her closely. CROW: Yeah, thanks for trying to help, Dad! Dickweed. > "What I do now?" asked Drake with confusion as he watched >them go. > "Ah, who knows?" said Donald. "I still don't understand them." TOM: What? CROW: I said I still don't understand - TOM: What are you talking about? CROW: I SAID I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM!! TOM: That's one heck of a speech impediment there, Don. > "Nor I," said Scrooge. "But don't worry about them. It's >probably covered in that crazy Guidebook of theirs somewhere." MIKE: Yeah, Chapter Nineteen. What To Do If You And Your Brothers All Fall For The Same Woman And You Don't See Any Problem With That. > With that, the three adults made their way into the Rec Hall. >What they saw, amazed them. TOM: A penny! On the ground!! And nobody's picked it up yet!!! > A crowd had gathered to watch an ongoing game of ping-pong, >and what a game. CROW: Who would rather it was a game of Donkey Kong? [MIKE raises his hand] TOM: I'd vote yes if I could. > At one end of the table stood Morgana Mallard with an intense >look of concentration on her face as she waved her hands in small >deliberate gestures. MIKE: I...think she's sayin' it'll be a fast curveball over to the back with some left spin on it and a dip right before the box. >At the other end of the table, Shirley Duck floated in the lotus >position and chanted "owhotaloonIam owhotaloonIam" over >and over again. TOM: You're a duck now! You take my name, you take everything that goes with it! >Between them, a ping-pong ball was being batted back and forth >y a pair of paddles that moved of their own accord. CROW: Ick! Inanimate objects moving apparently by themselves is creepy! > "Keen gear!" Gosalyn exclaimed as she watched the ongoing >contest. MIKE:...thus breaking Shirley's concentration and causing her to destroy the gym hall in a psychic fury. > Huey, Dewey & Louie were busy leafing through the Jr. >Woodchuck's Guidebook, trying to find an explanation for what >they saw. "Look under magic." > "No, psychic phenomena." > "Try paranormal occurrences." > "What about the chapter on unexplainable weird stuff?" > "Already looked there." TOM: It just had the writing of this story mentioned. > "Oh heck, look under ping-pong!" > Meanwhile, the game continued unabated, with neither player >scoring a point. MIKE: Oh, fascinating. A no-score draw. CROW: You're sounding British again. MIKE: See that? That's the fourth wall. No touch. >About then, Plucky walked up to Drake and said, "Care to make a >friendly wager?" TOM: I'd rather have a vindictive wager, but okay. > "What'd you have in mind?" > "Nothing serious," said Plucky. "Just a gentleman's bet. One >dollar says Shirley scores before Morgana." CROW: He's gotten a *lot* more well-spoken since he was a kid. TOM: Voices change, Crow. CROW: This is true. [They sigh wistfully] > "Hmm. What's the score now?" > "Tied, zero-zero. They've been at it for twenty minutes." MIKE: There wouldn't be much point in the wager if it wasn't currently a tie! TOM: The score's ninety-six to three in Shirley's favour. > "Twenty minutes?!?" said Drake. "Hah! I know for a fact >that when Morgue sets her mind to something, she can keep at >it indefinitely. CROW: Woohoo! >You're on!" > ########## MIKE: Ahh, Stickle Bricks. Where are you now? > Magica wandered around the Looniversity campus, wondering >just where Scrooge was hiding. CROW: Try the student bar! >After all the work she had gone to to be able to go after him when >he wasn't holed up in his Money Bin, and then not be able to find >him would not be a pleasant occurrence. MIKE: I understand all the words, and I think I know what he means, but the sentence... CROW: Accept the meaning. Be one with the fanfic. >He had not been in his office when she went there, TOM: A Professor? Not in his office?! Hold me, Mike, I feel faint. >and now she was simply searching the campus for him. Eventually, >she made her way to the Rec Hall, CROW:...where *everyone* was. She shoulda noticed it earlier, really. >and was at the same time thrilled and dismayed by what she saw. >The thrill of course came from seeing Scrooge. The source of the >dismay was the sight of Morgana. "What's *she* doing here?" she >hought. MIKE: It almost looks like she's playing ping-pong. I need my eyes examined. >"And who's that other one she's playing with?" For a moment, she >considered scrapping her entire plan, TOM: No! We don't have time for you to work out another plan! >but she quickly dismissed the idea as overly cautious. TOM: That's the spirit. >"They're all ducks," she reminded herself. CROW: Jeez, I never realized St Canard was so exclusionist. What if Megavolt wanted to attend? TOM: The entire non-duck population was ethnically cleansed - MIKE: Servo! TOM: Mike, we have never had morals. We will never have morals. Give it up. >"It'll work. The fact that two of them are fellow sorceresses >is immaterial." > Taking one last look around to make sure that no one was >watching her, Magica reached into her purse and pulled out her >specially modified foof bomb, and prepared to deliver it. TOM: Air mail's expensive, but then ground shipping takes so long...hm... CROW: I'd be on the edge of my seat if I could be bothered to move. > ########## TOM:(panicky) It's fencing us in! There's no way out! MIKE: It'll be over soon, honey. > Morgana and Shirley's game continued unabated. Everyone in >the room was transfixed upon the contest, CROW: St Canard, party city. > wondering who was going to score first, MIKE: Huey was faster, but Louie could be sneaky. >especially Plucky and Drake, both of whom were growing more >and more confident that it would their own wife who would do so, >and thus collect an extra dollar. TOM: And that'll buy you an entire ten minutes! Just dial 9-21-9- 21... > "Well, Plucky," said Drake with confidence, "it looks like I'm >gonna be a dollar richer pretty soon." MIKE: And then I can buy that Pepsi I've always dreamed of. > "I wouldn't be so sure of that," said Plucky with just as much >assurance. "Shirley's not even trying very hard. CROW: I've *seen* her trying hard. >She's just floating there. Look at the way Morgana's busy >concentrating." TOM: Six times three is...wait, wait...almost there...forty-two? > "That's just do to the differences in their powers and the way >they work," countered Drake. "Believe me, I know when Morgue's >exerting herself, and she's not." CROW: Oh, come *on*, Mike! You gotta let me have that one! MIKE: I concede. CROW: Woohoo! > "Uh-huh," said Plucky. "Well you gotta remember, Shirley's >very well centered. TOM: She's a Weeble. >She can set her mind to a single task to the exclusion of all else. >She'll never tire or be distracted. Can you say the same about >Morgana?" > "I already told you that she can. MIKE: Uh-oh. Gettin' a little tense, aren'tcha? >Besides, Morgue comes from a long line of powerful witches, >she's been taught well, and by the best." CROW:(wistfully) That's such a cute nickname. When I'm using a term of endearment, I want it to bring to mind images of cadavers. > "Oh, yeah, well, Shirley *is* a long line of powerful psychics! >She can call on the combined powers of all her past lives to keep >her going!" MIKE: She was Janice Joplin. TOM: Mike! CROW: Bad taste! MIKE: What?? I can't make *one* off-colour remark? CROW: No! TOM: I've lost what little faith I had in human nature. I don't believe in anything any more. I'm going to law school CROW: I hope you're happy, Nelson. > "That may be true," said Drake, "but Morgana..." > Unfortunately, Drake was unable to make his next point, and >they would never settle their debate over who had the strongest >powers, TOM: Superman! CROW: The Tick! >let alone collect on their bet, for at that very moment, there was a >loud "FOOF!!" accompanied by a blinding flash of light. When >everyone's eyes had recovered from the flash, they were amazed to >see MIKE: ...the photographer. TOM: I think I blinked. Did I blink? >Magica De Spell standing on the ping-pong table with a look of >triumph on her face. MIKE: Where else would it be? CROW: Well - MIKE: You don't have to answer that one. >"Nobody move!" she ordered. "I command it!" > To the surprise of everyone present, they found that they >could not move. TOM: Today, Magica will be played by Paul McKenna. >Magica hopped down off the table, and started over to Scrooge. >"Greetings, my old enemy," she said in triumph. "At long last, I >shall have what I have always wanted, your old dime, and with >its power, untold riches will be mine!" MIKE: She could just raid Fort Knox, or something. TOM: Don't fall in the plot holes, Mike. It's based on a comic book. CROW: Yeah, you should really just relax. >and she reached into Scrooge's pocket to appropriate the coin. > Everyone in the room watched with frustration, wishing they >could move to his aide, but they could not. CROW: Yeah, Scrooge's personal assistant is *hot*. >Everyone that is but Shirley. After she had gotten over the initial >dizziness caused by the foof bomb, she found that she could move >quite freely. It took only a second her to realize that she needed to >do something, ALL:(chuckle) TOM: She wouldn't even be the sharpest tool in a box of cotton balls. >and fast. Standing up, she turned towards Magica, who's back was >to her as she continued to fish around in Scrooge's pocket, CROW: Heh heh heh. >and said, "Like, didn't anyone ever tell you that it's impolite to pick >people's pockets, er some junk?" > "Huh?" said Magica as she backed up and turned around to see >who had addressed her. MIKE: And then broke into a musical spectacular about how jolly it is to be a pickpocket. > Seeing that Magica was no longer touching Scrooge, Shirley let >a huge volley of psychic lightening bolts fly from her fingertips and >proceeded to give the evil sorceress the shock of her life. TOM: Wow, cool. CROW: Shirley, I choose you! Attack, Thunder Wave! >She slumped to the floor, her hair frizzed out in every direction and >her feathers singed as she stared off blankly into space. MIKE: Ah, the new haircut that's taking America by storm! The Clayton Forrester. > With Magica's concentration broken, everyone else was freed >from her spell. Once Morgana had recovered, and seeing Drake >discreetly slip from the room, she quickly conjured up some >mystical rope. TOM: Mystical *rope*? CROW: These are things we are not meant to understand. >Then, after tying the still dazed Magica up with it, she said, >"Nice work, Shirley. How'd you do it?" > "Do what? All I did was let her have it." TOM: Or do you mean how was I able to create lightning bolts without frying my own fingers? MIKE: Hey, careful. Don't step on the Dragon. [CROW turns and waves cheerfully at CAMBOT] > "No, I mean how did you get free of her control spell? I >couldn't." > By now, Magica had recovered her wits a bit, and this question >caught her interest. "Yes," she said calmly. "How?" > Shirley shrugged. "Like, I don't know. TOM: Maybe it's because I'm, like, totally less lame than you guys. >I don't think it totally effected me. TOM: Or affected me, either. >I was never paralyzed in the first place, or some junk." > "Impossible," said Magica. "I made sure that..." > Before Magica could complete her sentence though, a puff of >blue smoke appeared in the corner of the room. MIKE: Hi, I'm the special effect. Whoa, guess I'm early, huh? >"I am the Terror that flaps in the night," came a powerful voice >from the cloud. "I am the enchantment that locks you in the >Dungeon of Despair!" CROW: I am the crappy movie that gets worse each time you're forced to see it! > The smoke cleared and Darkwing Duck appeared and added, "I, >am Darkwiiiiing Duck!!!" TOM: Duh. > "Well it's about time," said Scrooge. "Arrest that witch!" > Scrooge's statement confused Darkwing a bit, MIKE: But Martha Stewart isn't even here. >until he saw that Magica had already been subdued. It was all he >could do to keep from looking totally crestfallen as Morgana >flashed him the subtlest hint of a smile and said, "It's okay, >Darkwing. I got her for you. Are you going to take her into >custody." TOM: Would now be a good time to remind em I'm not a cop?...nah. > Darkwing swallowed hard and forced himself to take it all in >stride. "Of course, Mrs. Mallard," he said with bravado as he >started towards her. CROW: Shot out of the saddle again. Poor guy. > "It's good to see that members of Justice Ducks are always on the >alert to act against fiends such as this one. But then again, I did >train you all rather well, so it's not surprising." TOM: Isn't it time for the amusing banter scene, and then Batman can come in and break it up by looking at people? > "No," said Morgana calmly, not amazed in the least that he'd >figured out a way to take the credit, "I suppose it's not." CROW: But I'll need the Mastercard back at some point, dear. > "Not in the least," agreed Darkwing. Then, turning his attention >to Magica, he asked, "Are you gonna come quietly, or are you >gonna make things difficult?" CROW: Why, are your parents listening? MIKE:Timeout. That's it. CROW: But... MIKE: Go! > "I'll go," said Magica with resignation. [Grumbling, CROW moves offscreen] >Then, looking at Shirley, she added, "But first, I want to know how >you broke free of my spell. I made sure that no duck could resist >the incantation." > "Oh," said Shirley as a look of realization formed on her face. TOM: I didn't read the script, heh heh...sorry. >"That was your mistake," she explained. "I am only, like, a Duck >by marriage, or some junk. In reality, I'm totally a Loon!" TOM: Ahh, reality. I miss you. > Magica took that information in and looked at Shirley with real >malice in her eyes. "We'll meet again, Loon. That's a promise," >and she started to wiggle her arm a bit in its mystical bonds. MIKE: Must...catch...flea... > "Look out!" shouted Morgana, but it was too late. As Magica >squinted her eyes shut, a handful's worth of foof bombs fell out >of her sleeve and flashed simultaneously as they hit the ground. TOM: Everyone over fifty instinctively ducked and covered. > It was several minutes before everyone had regained their >senses, and once they had, Magica was gone. "Scrooge!" said >Darkwing with alarm. "Your dime?" MIKE: Oh, and, uh...is everyone okay, and stuff? > Scrooge withdrew the string that held the old coin from his >pocket. "I've still got it," he said. TOM: Magica, you moron! I could be a way better bad guy than she is. MIKE: Don't bet on it, Servo. >"I think she was more worried about getting away than anything >else at this point." CROW:(OS) Miiiike? Can I come back in? It's dark and scary out here! > Darkwing shook his head. "So she'll try again?" MIKE:(calling) I guess. > "She always does," said Scrooge. "She always does." CROW:(re-entering) And then I always do. And then she always does. But then sometimes he doesn't. > "Yeah, whatever," said Plucky as he pushed his way forward. >"Darkwing Duck? My name's Plucky. TOM: Always remember to miss me out when singing the Name Game. >We met once before, a long time ago. Can I interest you in a job?" > "You might," said Darkwing. "After all, I do have a lot to offer. CROW: The ability to be a total klutz and come out unscathed, for example. MIKE: Hey, don't knock it. >Still, I'd need to know exactly what you have in mind. I mean, it >has to be a position worthy of my many and impressive talents." CROW: That puff of smoke thing is really cool. > As the two men walked away to discuss business, Morgana >tapped Shirley on the shoulder and asked, "So do you think things >will always be this looney around here?" TOM: Hey! Was that an ethnic slur? > "Like, I hope so," said Shirley with a grin as she winked at >Morgana. "Otherwise it could get, like, real dull, or some junk." > The End? MIKE: You're the author! Is it the end or not? TOM: Don't tease us like that! > This story was written basically for two reasons. For the fun of it, >and to see if I could pull it off. CROW: Much the same reasons the Unabomber gave. > Thanks for reading, I hope you all enjoyed it. TOM:(snorts) MIKE: Actually...this wasn't so bad. CROW: Hey, you're right. The next one must be so bad, Pearl wanted to prepare us for it. > "Let the show begin!" [TOM practically leaps into MIKE's arms] TOM: Nooo! MIKE: Let's get out of here! [They exit] [...1...2...3...4...5...6...dogbone] [SOL bridge. TOM and CROW are present. MIKE enters] MIKE: So, Tom, how's that allergy? TOM: Oh, we cleared that up, Mike. Turns out it wasn't you I'm allergic to at all. MIKE: Oh, well, there you go. TOM: It's something in the theatre seats, apparently. CROW: Ooo! I'm allergic to that too! MIKE: Yeah, sure. And you want me to try and get you out of the next movie? [The bots lean up against MIKE and give him the puppydog eyes. Quite a feat for Servo] MIKE:(sighs) Okay, hang on. [He hits the light. Down in the castle, only PEARL is present] PEARL: All right, Nel-Sony, I don't have time to listen to your cries of anguish. Me and the boys are going fishing. [In the background, BOBO enters and gets halfway across the screen before being yanked back] [SOL] MIKE: It really wasn't that bad - [Castle] PEARL: Oh, *really*? Then you'll be pleased to know that the next thirteen experiments are based on the same show, and seem to involve some kind of...thing...with a bunny rabbit and a chicken. Whatever... [BOBO staggers into view, tangled up in fishing line] BOBO: Lawgiver, I ate the bait. OBSERVER:(OS) I *told* you not to let him carry it! PEARL:(sweetly) We'll just have to think of something else to use, then, won't we? [OBSERVER enters, in a fishing hat, carrying his brain] OBSERVER: Well I can't see what you could possibly...oh. Oh, no - [He flees. PEARL chases him. BOBO staggers about for a few seconds, then falls over out of shot] This fanfiction is by Kevin Mickel, who kindly gave me permission to pick on it. Sorry it took me so long, Kevin. It's used with affection and respect, and this MiSTing is not intended as an attack on the author or the story. Honestly. I like it. The Scrooge comics and Darkwing Duck, as well as all associated characters and situations, are copyright Disney. Don't look at me, it was the fanfic. Tiny Toon Adventures and all related characters and situations are copyright Warner Bros. Please don't sue me. Mystery Science Theater 3000 was created by Joel Hodgson. The show itself and all related characters and situations are copyright Best Brains Inc. They are used with great fondness and respect. Whatever's left over after all that is copyright me, Siobhan Morris, caseyschuler@netscapeonline.co.uk. Feel free to copy it or whatever (though why you'd want to is anyone's guess), just don't claim the credit. As if. >"Temper-schmemper," snarled Drake Mallard.