Pet Peeve By Mercury Marten ( As told to John Urie ) Every human community has it's mirror in the Toon world. Venice Beach's cartoon alter ego is know as ( what else ) Acme beach. Set back from the water in Acme Beach is a dilapidated apartment building called the Wander Bay apartments. It's a typical SoCal renovated-30's-vintage apartment; peeling Spanish stucco, rusty wrought iron gate, and roof tiles that have been replaced so many times that the top of the place looks like a Jackson Pollock mosaic. What sets Wander Bay apart from the hundred or so odd other apartments in Acme Beach is the fact that this particular apartment building is now, and for many years has been, the preferred residence of cartoon entertainment hopefuls, many of whom later went on to be successful; some of them becoming stars, and a handful even becoming superstars. For that reason Wander Bay is known to those of us who live there by the alternative title: 'The Wannabe Hotel', or just 'The Wannabe' for short--and ourselves we like to refer to as: ' The Wannabe's' If there's one thing both toons and humans have in common, it's their uncanny knack for turning a mark of shame into a badge of honor. One Summer's afternoon, sometime ago, three of my friends were standing in front of the Wannabe engaged in a discussion. This group consisted of: Maggie Pie; aspiring comedienne; Chongo Toro; would be pro-wrestler; and my close friend Seamus McStoat, an acting hopeful like myself. The subject of their talk involved Maggie's chance encounter with Callie Calico; former Wannabe and modeling hopeful who had quit several years previously to get married... ...and not to some regular guy. I've never known anyone, toon or human, that could display black dignity the way Maggie Pie could, and she was showing it now as she said to the others: "..and then she has the nerve to wave that hideous diamond ring of hers right under my beak, and ask me if I can guess what she paid for it." Chongo groaned, and Seamus just shook his head: "Same old Callie, i'nt she? Still the one for puttin' on airs." "So wha'd you say to her?" rumbled Chongo in his familiar basso profundo. "Well, I tried to beg off, Chongo, but that girl just would not take; 'I really could not say.' for an answer. She just kept pressing me: 'Oh come ON, Maggie! Your species knows jewelry....'" Here, Seamus and Chongo winced. "'...Go on, take a guess!'" "...And did yer? " asked Seamus "Have a guess, I mean..." "Yes, finally." Replied Maggie with a sigh. "I did not want to embarrass her in front of her friends so I just came up with the highest price I could think of, and then doubled it: 'Well, let's see, Callie,' I told her; 'I would guess... 20 thousand?'...and do you know what she did? Just threw back her head and laughed: 'Oh NO, Maggie! You're way off! I paid more that 50 thousand for my ring!'" "And wha'd yer say to that, then?" Seamus inquired. Maggies features twisted impishly as she replied: "I said: 'Oh, it took you that many tries at the carnival booth?'" All three of them burst into laughter. Recovering, Chongo said: "Ooooh...I bet that shut 'er up!" Answered Maggie: "Honey, I do not think you could close that girls mouth with an industrial staple gun." Before she could say more, Seamus tapped both her and Chongo on the arm and pointed up the street. "Well, is that who I think it is comin' are me eyes decievin' me?' No, they weren't. Racing up the sidewalk at breakneck speed were two familiar blue and pink figures; Buster and Babs Bunny ( no relation ). Reaching the assembled group on the sidewalk they screeched to a halt, almost out breath. "Hey!" gasped Buster; "Are you guys the Wannabe's?" "Well, we'd be three of 'em anyway." replied Seamus; "What's the all the ruckus for, then?" "You've got to come quick." cried Babs; "Something terrible's happened!" My three friends were instantly alert. "Whassa problem, guys?" asked Chongo tensely. Buster replied: "It's you friend, Mercury Marten. He's been captured by Elmyra!" The three Wannabes looked at each other in mild annoyance, then back at the two rabbits: "Is that all yer makin' such a fuss about?" asked Seamus, folding his arms in vexation. "What's a matter with you two conejos?" demanded Chongo, with an angry snort; "You really had us scared there for a second!" "That's right," put in Maggie testily; "We were afraid it was something really serious--like Kenny G. and John Tesh doing a tour together." "Saints spare us from that." muttered Seamus, crossing himself somberly. Buster and Babs looked at each other in disbelief, then back to my friends. "B-but" said Babs hesitantly; "Don't you know who Elmyra is? What she's like?" "Lessee...." asked Chongo, stroking his chin; "She that little redhead kid, always going out and trapping animals?" "Yes, that's her."responded Babs. "And after she's got 'em," inquired Seamus; "...takes 'em home an' tries to make pets of 'em?" "Yeah, you got it." answered Buster "...and then the next thing that she does is; kill her pets with kindness?" queried Maggie "Yes!" replied the two bunnies vociferously. My three friends shrugged and said in unison: "Never heard of her!" ...and then laughed wickedly. The two bunnies regarded each other a second time. "You mean, you guys aren't gonna do anything?" asked Buster; incredulous. "Yeah" answered Chongo, looking at his watch; "I'm gonna go inside and watch the Dodgers beat up the Cubs." "Yo' Momma!" snapped Maggie; rabid Chi-Town sports fan. At this Babs went into one of her famous whirl-changes, coming up as Scarlett O'Hara: "But if you won't help us," she pleaded; "Where shall we go? What shall we do?" "Babs, rope it in!" groaned Buster with a pained expression. "Sorry, Buster." replied Babs with a sigh; "I just can't help myself." The three Wannabes watched this exchange with wry amusement. Then Maggie spoke: "Well, that is not a bad-whirl change, honey, but can you do a snap-change?" "A what?" asked Babs, nonplused. "This!" And with that, Maggie snapped her fingers; instantly becoming a facsimile of Butterfly McQueen in the role of the slave girl, Prissy: "Oh, Miss Scarlett!" she wailed; "I don't know nuthin' 'bout rescuin' martens!" She snapped again and resumed her own identity. Chongo gave her the high five, and Seamus said: "Good on Yer, Mags!" Babs whirled back to her own self: "I can't believe this." she murmured, shaking her head. "Yeah" added Buster sadly; "I thought Mercury Marten was your friend!" The response to this was a chorus of protest: "Of course he's a friend!" "Where you get that from?...Yeah, he's my friend." "Only me closest mate..." "Then, why won't you guys help?" Pleaded Babs. "Help?" asked Maggie indignantly; "Now, why should we do anything to help?" "That's right" agreed Seamus; "Elmyra got herself into this. Now let her get out of it!" That was when I rode up; "Hey guys! What's doin'?". "Oh, hi, Merc." said Chongo, greeting me with a 'homes' handshake as I pulled my bike to a stop. He jerked a thumb at Buster and Babs; "These kids say you got caught by Elmyra" "I was?" I responded anxiously, as I dismounted; "Well then, hey! We'd better get over there right now, and rescue me!" "Yeah!" proclaimed Buster, triumphantly clapping his hands; "There you go! Finally someone's making some...........WAIT A MINUTE!" Both he and Babs turned to stare at me open-mouthed: "B-but" stammered Babs; "The last time we saw you, Elmyra had you caged and shackled." "And that was only yesterday..." added Buster "Oh!" interrupted Seamus, looking at me; "So that's why yer missed playin' cards last night. I thought yer finally had that date with Melanie." "No such luck, though I keep on trying." "Uh, please guys..." said Buster, jumping back in. He turned to me; "I've known Elmyra for most of my life, and I can't remember anyone getting free from her this fast. How did you do it? How did you escape from her so quickly?" "I didn't" I replied. "Huh?...What do you mean...you... didn't? You're standing right here." "No, I mean I didn't escape. She kicked me out." "She WHAT?...." asked both bunnies simultaneously "Yeah, she kicked me out. You see: Here's how it happened..." I really blame myself for letting her get me. I'd gone on an audition that particular afternoon--which went pretty much as usual: When I'd finished my reading, both the producer and the casting director had been falling over their seats, breathless with laughter. Finally the casting director spoke up: "I can't believe this! Where've you been hiding? You're the funniest toon I've ever seen!" I should have been elated, but I'd been through this same drill too many times before, and sure enough: When the producer stopped laughing, what he said was: "It's just too bad that you're a species we've never heard of....Thank you very much....Next!" Not in the mood to waste time getting home after that experience, I decided to take a shortcut through Acme Acres, by way of Acme Park. As I pedaled down the bike path, I caught sight of a little, curly haired, blond girl sitting on a bench, and crying. Being the sentimental. fool that I am, I wheeled my bike over to see what the problem was. Biiiiig mistake! "Excuse me little girl. Are you all right?" I asked, as I approached the bench where she was sitting. By way of answer, she raised a trembling finger at a hole in a nearby tree trunk: "I lost m-my b-bracelet in that treeeee hole, and I can't reeeeach it, and my-my mommy's going to ....she's going to be...." She burst into sobs. Patting her on the head, I said: "Don't cry, kiddo. Let me see what I can do." I walked over to the tree and looked up at the hole. "Hmmmmm..." I thought to myself; "Her bracelet must have fallen in there while she was either climbing up, or down the tree. That hole's pretty high up!" Actually, for me a climb like that was pretty much a slam-dunk. What roads are to roadrunners; trees are to my species. At least one writer has described the American Marten as; 'Greased lightening in the treetops' I slapped a palm against the tree and shot up the trunk. Reaching the hole, I peered cautiously inside. In the dimness, I could just make out the glint of something shiny that could have been the missing bracelet. Thrusting an arm carefully into the opening, I fumbled around for several seconds before I felt my paw touch cold metal. I pulled on it, but it wouldn't budge. I tried a second time. Still no luck. That was when I heard the little girl calling up from below: "You'll never get it that way." she said impatiently. "Try using both hands, you silly furryhead." That last part should have tipped me off, but it had already been a long day..... Following her suggestion, I put both hands in the hole... ...and felt something snap around my wrists. I yanked my hands from the opening and saw that they were now adorned with a set of cuffs. Before I had time to react, there was movement in the overhead branches, and I looked up to see a cage plummeting towards me. Normally, for me, dodging an object falling that slowly would have been a cakewalk--but not with my hands manacled! All I could do was shield my head, and wait for the impact. As soon as I hit the ground, the little girl flung off her curly blonde wig to reveal her red hair and trademark gerbil-skull fetish. "Ooooo." she cooed in that familiar syrupy voice from the T.V.; "Look what I got! A new cutesy-wootsy little puppy!" I tried to enlighten her: "Actually Elmyra, I'm an adult, and I'm a Marten, not a dog." I pointed to the tree trunk, adding: "I just climbed a tree. Dogs can't do that." "Don't be silly, puppyhead. My other doggy-woggys climb trees all the time." "Really?" I asked in amazement. "Yes, whenever I take them out in the yard to play William Tell." THAT part, I could believe. Well, at least she didn't leave my bike behind. She took both my ride and my cage home with her and rolled them both into the room where she kept all her pets. She then uncuffed me and left, saying she'd be back 'in just a jiffy-wiffy'. When she had gone, I turned to the dog in the adjoining cage and asked in my best Cagney: "Whattaya in for, Kid?" "Grand theft, trash can," he replied, taking up the cue; "and you?" "First degree gullibility." "Ooooh, that's heavy here!" Reaching through the bars, I introduced myself: "Mercury Marten. My friends call me 'Merc'." "Glad to meet you, Merc." he replied, taking my hand. "And my names.....mud!" "Huh?" I replied, perplexed. "Mud!" He repeated, looking over my shoulder with revulsion on his face. I followed his gaze, and saw what he meant: Elmyra had just returned with our lunch. Such as it was. "Look, Elmyra" I said, pushing my plate way, "It's not that I don't like mudpies, it's just that I have a topsoil intolerance, 'kay?" My fellow inmates snickered, and Emyra said: "Ooooo, you're a really crazy-silly puppy. I'm going to just love having you for my new favorite bestest pet." "Well, I'm sorry I can't accommodate you on that one, Red." I replied; "but I've got to get home. I've got a busy weekend ahead of me watching the paint in my apartment peel." There were more snickers. "Oh, no" answered Elmyra with a grave shake of her head; "Oh no, little furry head. You're not going anywhere. This is your home, now." She turned to address all her pets collectively: "Now, I have to go watch the Telsy-Tubsies ..." "Isn't that kind of over your head?" I catcalled, unable to resist an opening that juicy. All the pets laughed, but Elmyra seemed not to care. ..."but I'll be back soon, so all you cute little cuddly-wuddlies to be good little petsy-furries until I get back." She went to the door, blew us a kiss, and left. I watched her go, and then turned to the others: "Ewwww" I said in a mocking, nasal, approximation of Elmyra's singsong voice; "Don't I just have the cutest little petsy-wetsies in just the whole widest world?" Returning to my normal voice, I rubbed my jaw and said: "Yeeeshk! Somebody make me a dental appointment. I just got six new cavities!" With that, I dipped into my shorts pocket and found my trusty set of allen wrenches. Selecting the smallest one I slipped it into the lock on my cage and went to work. I had just gotten started, when I noticed one of my neighbors giving me the evil eye. "Oh, give it up, Brain." I said wearily; "It's not as if you have a copyright on picking locks, you know." Especially not this lock. I've been caged by experts in my day, and this didn't count for amateur work. I felt the mechanism click, swung the door open, and thrust myself out feet first. Landing on the floor, I gave my back a good long stretch, ( That cage had definitely not been my size.) then swung around and said to my fellow captives: "You know, I should just go straight home, and forget this day ever happened." Then I looked at the door and said: "I should just win the Lotto jackpot too, but that's not going to happen either" Standing in the shower, I lustily belted out my favorite song: "Bay-ury the need for it, Bay-ury the seed! Bay-ury me deep, when there's no will to be: Better than Yoooooouuuuu!" My rendition was then abruptly cut off by a pounding on the bathroom door. I shut off the water, threw a towel around myself and, snatching up my glasses on the way, went to answer it. When I opened the door, I found Elmyra standing there with her arms folded. "Hey, you crazy furryhead!" she demanded irritably; "What are you doing in there?" "Metallica," I replied, equally annoyed; "obviously!" and shaking my head as I muttered the words: "No taste in music!" I closed the door in her face. She responded by hammering on the door a second time. I opened it "Listen," she said; "You come out of there right now, you bad kitty" "Marten, Elmyra, MARTEN." I corrected; "I just took a shower. Cat's don't like water." "Yes they do. All my other little kitty-witties just love the water" "Let me guess: Every time you take them out in the yard to play 'Terminator', they jump in the swimming pool, and dive straight to the bottom. Right?" Elmyra squinted at me: "Are you sure this is the first time I ever brought you home? Well, never mind. You come out of there right now and get back to your cage." "III...don't think..." "You heard me." she said, waving a hand towards her room; "Right now." I shrugged and snatched up my clothes. "Okay, if you say so, but always remember: You told me to." I was halfway down the hall when I heard Elmyra's angry yelp. Looking back, I saw her head sticking out of the bathroom, wearing an unpleasant expression: "Hey! You goofy furrfacehead! Look at the icky-yucky mess you left in here!" Tentatively, I replied: "Then... I guess you, uh.... don't want to know about the carpet." Looking down, Elmyra noticed for the first time the soggy trail I'd left on the rug as I'd walked down the hall towards her room... ...and slapped a hand over her face! "Hey! Hey! Don't blame me." I said to Elmyra as she locked me back in my cage, this time checking to make sure that it was securely locked; "You could have given me time to clean up and dry off, but nooooooo..." She cut me off; "You be quiet, bad itty-kitty. I still have to go clean up after you, and while I'm gone, I want you to behave." "Okay Elmyra," I said in response: "If that's what you want, you got it." and raising a hand, I solemnly intoned: "While you're away, I PROMISE to behave." I waited until she'd gone, and then went for my allen keys again. I was sitting in the den, talking on the phone when Elmyra walked in, her eyes flashing in surprise when she saw me. She raised a finger and started to say something, but I quickly shushed her, pointing at the receiver and mouthing the word: 'phone' I then continued speaking: "Hey, really?...Wow, that does sound like a cool trail...I have got to try that..." I stopped abruptly, my features darkening. "Hang on just a sec." I said testily; " There's that other caller--again! Stand by while I get rid of him." I reached over and changed lines. "Listen, Jack!" I barked into the receiver; "I thought I told you to get off this phone and quit bugging me!..............I don't care if you HAVE been trying to get through for the last two hours! This isn't the Acme Forum, clownhead, and there's no such thing as reserved seats!.............Oh Yeah? Well get ( bleep )'ed!" I disconnected, and looked at Elmyra; "CriminEEZ!, your dad sure gets torqued on the phone!" I returned to my original conversation: "So what's the weather like right now, over in Nepal?" The next thing I said was: "You know, Elmyra, hanging up other peoples phone calls like that is a really rude thing to....GYULP!" "I thought you promised to BEHAVE!" "I did! I behaved badly. Listen, if you're gonna go off and leave vague instructions, don't come crying to me when things don't work out!" Elmyra peered angrily at me through the bars of my cage: "You're not funny, you bad little raccoony-woony." "One more time, Carrot-top." I said pointing to my face. "Look, see? No mask. I'm a Marten, not a Raccoon." "You're a naughty little troublemaker is what you are, and I don't think I like you very much any more!" I brightened: "Good! Then, that means I can leave?" I watched her reaction, then asked: "Okay, mind letting me in on the joke?" "I take it back," Elmyra said, when she finally caught her breath; "You're a funny little furry-head after all, but you won't be causing any more trouble. This time I double-locked your cage!" With a triumphant smirk on her face, she wheeled and left the room. When she had gone, I pulled myself over to the cage door and examined it minutely. Just as she'd said, the latch was now secured with two locks. Which meant that it took me about 30 seconds, instead of 15 to jimmy the door. The microwave thrummed in the background as I sat at the kitchen table doing a crossword puzzle. When Elmyra walked in, I spun in my seat and asked: "Hey, uh...What's a six letter word for; 'brainless jerkface' Elmyra...?...Ohhhh, right! Yeah, there we go!" Returning to my puzzle I scrawled down the answer, saying: "Thanks a lot, babe." Elmyra ignored this: "Hey you naughty-waughty little foxy-head! I thought I left you in your cage!" "I know, but I got hungry. Those mudpies you serve really don't stick to your ribs. And by the way, Rusty..." I held up my tail; "It's Marten, not Fox. See? black tail. A foxes tail's red" "Never mind!" replied Elmyra heatedly "You put that paper down. And what are you cooking in the microwave, anyway." "Oh, nothing much; just a can of chili." "Oh," she said glancing at the microwave; "Well that's okay, but first you should have.....WAIT A SECOND!!! Did you take it out of the can first?!" "Why? Are you supposed to?" With a cry of dismay Elmyra rushed to the microwave and flung the door open. Just as it exploded! "Wow!" I said, shaking my head in astonishment; "I guess you are, huh?" Elmyra gave no reply, but then it is kind of hard to talk when you're embedded in a wall with a chili can stuck in your mouth. Throwing me roughly back into my cage, Elmyra triple locked the door, then raged at me: "I've had it up to here with your trouble-making, you nasty, gooney, icky-head! And I don't want any more of your funny tricks! Is that clear?" I straightened up and saluted: "Crystal! Sir!" "I mean it, crazy-head! No MORE cute little shenanigans!" "Gotcha" I replied; "No more cute shenanigans." and thought: "How about a really dirty trick instead?" Peering from the living room, I watched as Elmyra stumbled groggily towards the front door, drawn by the incessant ringing of the bell. I glanced at my watch. Just after 2 A.M.; Right on time! Opening the door Elmyra found herself facing a bored looking slacker-type kid, proffering a stack of flat cardboard boxes. "Midsize Czar's pizza!" he said laconically; "Here's your delivery. That'll be $29.95." "Oh...yeah, right" replied Elmyra with a yawn; "Just a second." She left, and returned momentarily with thirty dollars. "Here." she said, handing the driver his money; "And keep the change." "Gee, thanks!" answered the deliveryman sarcastically, and trudged back through the flower bed to his car. Yawning again, Elmyra put the pizza boxes on the dining room table and headed back to her room. She was just opening the door when it hit her: "WAIT A MINUTE! I DIDN'T ORDER ANY PIZZAS!" She rushed back to the table, and was dumfounded to find the boxes gone. Then she heard the sounds coming from the living room. When she entered, she found me, and all her other pets clustered around a big-screen TV watching Hulk Hogan put the moves on Goldberg. "C'mon Goldberg!" I cried; "He can't do that to you! Get out of it!" I looked over at the newcomer: "Hey, Elmyra?" I asked; "You know choke holds. Is that real, or fake?" "Huh?" she asked. Then, squinting at the screen, she said: "Oh no, he's faking it. Look at the way he's got his hands.....NEVER MIND!" Surveying the room, Elmyra demanded angrily: "Just what do all you bad little petsy-furries think you're doing?" I raised a slice of pizza and offered: "Learning about 'rasslin'! Havin' some food!" "No, you're not! You turn that icky, yucky stuff off right now." "Okay," I answered, reaching for the remote; "But you should know: That's a pay-per-view event we're watching. Really a shame to waste money like that..." "I don't care! Turn that off right now--and get rid of those pizzas! "Sure you don't want some?" I asked, offering her a slice. "No!" replied Elmyra sharply, pushing it away; "Every time I eat pizza before bedtime, I have nightmares all night." "Really?" I asked; "What do you usually dream about?" "Well," she responded pensively; "My worst nightmare is the one where I catch this really neat new pet, and at first: he's just the most ginger-peach-a-roon-a-reachie-keen cuddly I've ever had....but then he starts breaking out of his cage, and turning the house upside down, and driving me cra...............................TURN THAT OFF, AND GET RID OF THOSE PIZZAS!" "All right! All right!" I replied petulantly; "Don't get your nose all out of joint." I hit the 'off' button, and the big-screen winked into darkness. "...and get that big, giant TV thingy out of here!" Scratching my head, I asked: "Why do you wanna lose your own TV?" "What do mean?" Elmyra asked, taken aback; "We don't own a big-screen television." "Oh, uh.... you do now. I ordered it for you through Acme Home Shopping Network." "Don't be ridiculous, furryhead!" she rejoined, skeptically; "You can't order from Acme Home Shopping unless you've got a credit card, and........OH, NO!" "Hey," I said, flipping a small, plastic rectangle in Elmyra's direction; "If your mom's gonna leave this lying around, people are gonna think it's there to be used. Um...this isn't gonna get you in trouble, is it?" Trussed in a straitjacket, and with a kevlar mask covering my lower face, I listened to Elmyra's ranting laughter as she rolled the hand-truck I was strapped to into the basement: "Hee-hee-hee-heeeeee" she tittered under her breath; "Got you now! Oh, yeah this time I got you. Hee-hee! Hahahahahaha!" When we reached the cellar, Elmyra wheeled me, hand-truck and all, into a specially constructed cage with a double set of bars. She then triple locked the inner cage, and quadruple-locked the outer cage. Then, just for good measure she wrapped the entire structure in anchor chain which she also triple-locked. Finally, she put on a pair of thick leather gloves and laid three layers of razor wire around the perimeter, all the while giggling hysterically. "Um..., Elmyra." I asked guardedly; "Would you be very upset if I told you that I have to go to the bathroom?" "There's nothing you can do to upset me NOW!" she replied with a demented gleam in her eye; ".....heeheeheeheeheeheehee!......You naughty, bad little ferret-face-head!" "Ferret? Well, you're gettin' close." For some odd reason, that didn't seem to register. "You won't give me any more trouble." she giggled, demonically; "No, no, no. You're going to be good now. You're going to be good all night. Yes, all night you'll be good. Good all night. Yes, alllllllll night you'll behave." "All right, already!" I answered irritably; "I heard you the first time. Yeeshk! I hate it when people get redundant and repetitive. I promise: I'll be good all night." Then, when she was gone, I added, to no one in particular: " After that you're gonna get something you wouldn't wish on your aunt with the mustache that always wants a kiss!" Peeking through the curtains, I watched as Elmyra awakened. Her eyes flickered open, and she yawned, and then gave a small cat-like stretch. She then shot bolt upright with her eyes and mouth wide open. Her room was empty; completely stripped. Everything was gone; all her toys; all her clothes; all her pets; all her furniture. The only things remaining were the mattress on which she sat, and the window curtains. Even the pillows and bedcovers had vanished. Before she could say or do anything, she became aware of a commotion going on outside the house, and rushing to her bedroom window, she pulled back the curtains, and looked out: Neatly arranged in the front yard were the entire contents of the house, all under the close scrutiny of a large crowd of visitors. In the center of it all was a brightly painted banner reading: YARD SALE ! ! ! ! Standing under the banner, wearing a straw skimmer, and holding a rattan cane was yours truly delivering his pitch: "Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Step right up! Get the merchandise while it's hot! (....and boy is this merchandise ever hot!") A split second later, the shoppers all scattered as Elmyra exploded out of the front door, screaming like a wounded banshee: "EEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!" I just looked at her: "NOW what are you whining about?" She was almost incoherent: "You....What have?...My...How?...Yar...Getba...Bad?....Sale?...Every...." "You know, that sounds just like channel surfing?" Elmyra seemed to pull herself together slightly as she became aware of what was still missing. Looking furtively around the yard she cried: "Wha?...Whe-Where are all my PETS?" "Your pets?" I answered; "Oh, right! Almost forgot; Some lady from the humane society took 'em. She left you this." Reaching into my pocket, I extracted an official looking piece of paper and handed it to Elmyra, asking; "Um...What's 'willful mistreatment' mean?" "NEVER MIND!" she snapped, jamming the summons into her pocket. She then favored me with a look that could have withered crabgrass and said: "You dirty, sneaky, icky, Rotten, Creepy, Nasty, NO GOOD, YUCKY, DOUBLE-CROSSING, MARTEN-HEAD!!!!!!" I clapped my hands: "That's it! Now ya got it!" But Elmyra didn't seem to care: "YOU CAN'T SELL MY THINGS!" she bawled. "Your things?" I answered indignantly, folding my arms: "Whadda you mean 'your' things? These are my things, and I can sell 'em if I want." Just when I thought her face couldn't possibly get any redder: "THEY ARE NOT!!!!!" "Yes, they are." I replied insouciantly; "Don't you remember? When I moved in here you distinctly told me that from now on this was my home." ...and to illustrate my point, I indicated a sign planted in the yard reading: HOUSE FOR SALE Elmyra rushed to the sign and, after yanking it from the turf, smashed it to pieces. She then whirled on me and, stabbing a finger down the road, she shrieked: "NOT ANY MORE IT ISN'T! GET OUT!!!!!!" "Get out?" I responded in an injured voice; "Uh, you want me to leave?" "Yes!" she cried; "I want you out of here NOW!" and for added emphasis, she stomped from one foot to the other, crying: "NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW!" "Um, can't I at least stay for the party?" The next thing I knew I was flying through the air with Elmyra's footprint etched on the seat of my shorts. ( I don't care: It was worth it. ) I landed, and then got up just in time to catch my bike and helmet, which came flying in after me. Donning the helmet, I climbed on my bike, and after throwing a mock salute in the direction of Elmyra's house, headed back to the Wannabe: "...and so you see," I concluded, to the uproarious laughter of my friends; "I didn't escape. She kicked me out." As I finished the story, Seamus, Maggie, and Chongo all favored me with an ovation. Then Seamus said: "Aw, now don't be tellin' us she up an' canceled the flippin' party, boyo.." "Yeah" groaned Chongo in mock disappointment; "And I already got the brewski's and everything." We all had another good laugh. Glancing sideways at Buster and Babs, I noted that they, too were laughing: Derisively. Whirl-changing into a facsimile of Roger Ebert, Babs proclaimed with effervescent sarcasm: "Oh, bra-VO! That's really a good one. I give that story two cute toes up!" Raising a foot, she wiggled two of her toes at me, then whirled back to her own identity. "Yeah," chimed in Buster sardonically; "So, uh... what color is the sky in that little world of yours pal?" Looking from one Tiny-Toon to the other I asked: "What?...Uh, you kids don't believe me?" Buster and Babs said nothing. The looks on their faces said everything. I shrugged, then turned and called across the street: Hey! Elmyra! Can I come home with you, and be your favorite pet?" Instantly the three of us ducked as a lit-off chainsaw came flying over our heads, neatly bisecting the palm-tree behind us. "There, you see?" I said to the two now clinging-to-each-other-in-terror rabbits as I got to my feet: "You know: You kids really need to start trusting the word of your elders." ...and giving my fellow Wannabes the high sign, I headed for my apartment, laughing: "Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Haaa!....Ahhhh, I almost feel guilty!" The End Mercury Marten, Chongo Toro, Seamus McStoat, Maggie Pie: John Urie--1999 Wannabe Hotel: John Urie--1999 Elmyra, Buster Bunny, Babs Bunny: Warner Brothers, Amblin Entertainment Lyrics to 'Better than You'; Hetfield, Ulrich, 1998 .