[SOL] [Mike is at a piano in the corner, while the bots are in the middle of the floor, apparently attempting to dance.] MIKE: Now remember, guys, it's one-two-three-four kick! One-two-three-four kick! TOM: How? I have a hoverskirt, remember? CROW: Always an excuse, huh, Tom? TOM: Since when is the truth an excuse? MIKE: Oh, he's right, Crow. Tom will never be able to make it as a back-up dancer. TOM: Gee, too bad. Can I go now? MIKE: Come on, Tom, this is part of the theater culture. Musicals need dancers just as much as they need singers. TOM: Can't I just sing? MIKE: If we had a larger cast, maybe. But considering it's just us up here, we have to double-up the duties. Actors need to act, sing, dance, direct, screen-write, sweep up, and sterilize for now. CROW: Hey, you never said anything about sterilizing before! MIKE: Don't worry about it now, Crow. We've got to rehearse. Come on, let's take it from the top. [He starts to play the piano while Tom and Crow move about, not only randomly, but off-tempo. All three are so engrossed with counting out their rhythms (none of which match), they fail to notice the red light start to flash. Switch to Deep 13.] DR. F: Well, I-- [He stops, watching with a quizzical expression as the trio continues their warped rendition of a musical number.] DR. F: Success! I've finally done it! Their wills are broken so badly that they've not only gone insane, but have done it offbeat! [SOL] MIKE: [stopping his playing] Hey, someone's out of sync -- oh, I should have guessed. [Deep 13] DR. F: What? You mean you were consciously doing that... that... well, whatever it was? [SOL] CROW: Of course! We're working on our artistic interpretation of the musical "Hannibal and his Elephants". TOM: It's a heartwarming story of a man and his pachyderms. [Deep 13] DR. F: [trying not to sound disappointed] Oh...of course! I was well aware of that, simpleton. Interesting that you should be working on artistic interpretations, as your upcoming installment of brain-numbing text is something on that. [SOL] MIKE: Artistic interpretation? How can any of the fertilizer you've been shoveling down our throats be considered that? CROW: Maybe after downing a bottle of eighty proof.... [Deep 13] DR. F: Nonsense, my poor peons. It's merely another sickeningly twisted perspective on what happens when two different cartoon universes cross over, with a dash of country music tossed in for bad taste. Have fun, and try not to have a breakdown until I'm watching! [Lights, buzzers, confusion] ALL: Noooo! We've got the fanfic sign! [ 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... ] >The Terror that Flaps in the Night-before you read this, I must >explain the basic situation so you will not get confused. TOM: Uh-oh. That's never a good sign. > This >story is a cross- CROW: Breed. > over of Darkwing Duck and a few Warner Brothers >characters from "Tiny Toon Adventures." In this story, Babs and >Buster are engaged, TOM: In many nefarious dealings. MIKE: Just how far in the future is this, then? TOM: I think it's present day. Why? MIKE: Great. Because that means Buster and Babs are engaged at age twelve. CROW: So they live in West Virginia. Big deal. > and Bugs Bunny has an absolutely stunning CROW: Overhand serving style. >wife named Claudia Rabbit. She is flirtatious and can make any >man do whatever she pleases. MIKE: After she promises to wash the dishes, mow the lawn, paint the house, and de-worm the dog. > Also, there are a few new >characters besides Claudia. One is Petta Stinkay, at this time >Pepe LePew's fianc‚'. MIKE: "At this time"? So he's going the break it off with her in the future? So much for suspenseful romance. CROW: At least Pepe is acting like he's French. > Most of the characters are in an >incredibly popular band Babs started a few years before MIKE: Hence, Babs started a band when she only nine? CROW: Wouldn't puberty break her voice, and thus, her career? TOM: Maybe she's really LeAnn Rimes in disguise, then. [Mike and Crow look at Tom] CROW: How do you know who she is? TOM: I've...read about her...in newsgroups... MIKE: Uh huh. Sure. Right. > called >"Baberella." At the moment they are a country band, MIKE: But the moment before they were a polka group, and the next moment they might be a hip-hop band. You never can tell, really. > and have >been very successful. Babs owns a race-horse farm called CROW: "Glue Providers". >"Hopeful Farms", and her good friend Claudia owns the adjoining >ranch called "Double U Ranch." MIKE: Hmmm. Anyone else get the hunch Harcinske is a fan of country music and horses? TOM: Call me Quasimodo. > None of these characters know >Darkwing, but they are about to meet him. TOM: That's normally what transpires in a crossover, yes. > This is just the first >in a whole series of stories about these characters. CROW: [afraid] Oh no...no... MIKE: Hey, come on, it hasn't even started yet. Look at it this way; can it possibly beat out some of the pits of depravity we've been drug through? CROW: Okay, I'll give it the benefit of the doubt. For now. MIKE: [encouragingly] `Atta bot. > It is how >Claudia, Babs, and the rest of Baberella met Darkwing Duck and >his most feared enemies, TOM: The Nelson ratings group. > the Fearsome Five. As time goes on, I >will send out the next few stories. Enjoy!! CROW: That sounded like a dare to me. > > >The Terror That Flaps in the Night TOM: The horror that glides in the twilight. MIKE: The spookiness that floats in the evening. CROW: The scariness that levitates in the dusk. > By: Christine Harcinske > > Part 1 of 4 TOM: [whimpering] Oh, *four* to go through? I hate it when they tell you that. All you can do is wait for the ax to fall. > Negaduck's glare was bitter CROW: His supplier had run out of sweet glares. > as he looked out over St. Canard >from a fine condo high in the middle of the town. He could see >everything from the condo, and nothing escaped his evil eyes. MIKE: Only one paragraph in and we're hitting the redundancy barrier. Doesn't look good, guys. > He >was young, not yet twenty-five, TOM: Months old. > but he was cold and evil and as >experienced as a seasoned pro criminal. He had lived like this >for years, MIKE: Standing and staring out a window. > eliminating what ever unfortunate person that >stumbled into his path and sucking up the wealth he stole. Even >at his young age, he had a reputation to be TOM: Fumigated. > feared. > An older duck stepped up beside him and gave the city a once >over. TOM: [Older duck] "Well, city, looks like your health is on the upswing since we surgically removed that factory of toxic-waste toothpaste." > "Are you just going to stand there all day like that, or >are you actually going to get your tail feathers in gear?" James >Mallard asked coldly. > Negaduck's glare sharpened in disgust. "Dad, if you're so >worried about the police, you go handle the problem," he >snarled, taking a sip from the glass of champagne he held. CROW: Negaduck's a daddy's boy?! MIKE: Wow...wait until "Hard Copy" hears this! > "They're starting to get leads," James returned bitterly. "If >you plan to steal the gold this afternoon-" TOM: [James/Dad] You'd better get out there and mow the lawn! > "Forget the gold, Dad," Negaduck snarled, turning away. "They >already know I'm planning to go after that." He walked to the >big desk and re-filled his glass from the bottle that sat on it. CROW: Unbeknownst to Negaduck, it was the floor wax bottle. >"What they don't expect me to do is MIKE: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] Star in a crossover fanfic with the Tiny Toons cast. Heck, even *I* didn't expect it. > pull a small little petty >robbery. And that's exactly what I'm going to do." > James shook his head. TOM: [James/Dad] Not until you've waxed the car, young man. MIKE: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] Daaaaaaaaaad!! > "You're crazy, Junior," he growled. > Negaduck swallowed a deep drink of the champagne glass MIKE: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] Hmm...this tastes like floor wax... must have been a bad year. > and >glared at him nastily. CROW: But James foresaw this and had an anti-glare screen in front of him! > "How many times to I have to tell you not >to call me Junior, Dad?" MIKE: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] It ruins my tough guy image! Stop it! Waaaahhhh! > he snarled. James sighed and shook his >head in disgust. Negaduck quickly swallowed the rest of the >champagne, MIKE: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] That was bad. Next time I'm buying the bottle with that bald guy on the front. > set the glass down, and pulled a gun out of the >shoulder holster he wore. It was a stunning Ivory-handled Colt, >fairly old but in mint CROW: Peppermint? TOM: Spearmint? MIKE: Wintergreen? > condition. Negaduck rubbed the barrel >lovingly before he popped CROW: A cap in James. MIKE: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] That'll teach you to call me names! > open the cylinder and loaded it. When >it was full he gave it a cold spin CROW: Let's go for a spin in the ice-maker! Wheee! MIKE: You worry me at times, Crow. CROW: Not all the time? Man, I'm losing my touch. > and snapped it shut, then >glared up at James. "I'm going to town," he snarled. TOM: [James/Dad] Take a sweater; it's supposed to get colder tonight. And don't forget to be home by ten; it's a school night, young man! > "Watch the >place till I get back. I'm going to check out the scene and find >a few stooges to help with the job." MIKE: And who does he find but Larry, Curly, and Moe, thus setting up a wild, slapstick comedy of errors! > With that, Negaduck >whirled, and, with a flutter of his cape, disappeared out the >door. > > >* * MIKE: I hate seven-ten splits. > > > The shadowy figure of Darkwing Duck peered out from the >shadows, watching as a rat MIKE: Justin? TOM: Racso? CROW: Ren Hoek? > with cord prongs on top of his head >carefully cut a hole through the glass surrounding a display >window at a fine jewelry store. TOM: Since when does a jewelry store have shadows in the middle of the day with all the lights on? CROW: Custom-made shadows. Built right into the store. Very hip. > Darkwing glanced at the >customers and store owners laying on the floor, CROW: Zoned out after watching the "The Brady Bunch" marathon. MIKE: I never will understand self-abuse like that. > then whispered >to his side kick Launchpad TOM: And his side promptly kicked Launchpad. CROW: [Launchpad] Hey! > as the rat removed a diamond necklace MIKE: From little Timmy's spine, allowing the poor boy to walk again. The operation was a success! THE BOTS: [cheering noises] >from the display, "This is it, Launchpad. We've caught Megavolt >red-handed. Just TOM: Look at him dunk his hands in that paint! > wait for my to give the signal, then attack." TOM: Ah that's--huh? > "What signal?" CROW: The traffic or the smoke? > Launchpad asked, not bothering to lower his >voice any lower than a normal speaking voice. Megavolt turned >and looked at him, clutching the necklace in his hand, then >took off out the door of the store at a dead-run. > "Oh!" Darkwing exclaimed. CROW: [Darkwing] I left the iron on! > He glared at Launchpad. "Great, >Launchpad! You just let Megavolt know we're here and he took off >with a million-dollar necklace!" > "Gee, DW, I didn't realize-" TOM: [Launchpad] "That Pine Sol does the work of four bottles of my ordinary floor wax, and also has that fresh pine aroma!" > Launchpad stared to say, then >stopped short when he realized Darkwing had mysteriously >vanished. TOM: Darkwing is even more eager to leave then we are! > "Well Gladys, where to next?" Babs Bunny asked her close >friend Gladys Duck as they walked through a crowded mall. MIKE: After this fanfic? Try the Employment Office. > "I guess we could stop by the bridal shop to look for a >dress for your wedding," Gladys returned. "I still can't believe >you're getting married to Buster!" CROW: [Gladys] I mean, considering you're closer to infancy than adolescence. > Babs softly giggled. "It still hasn't sank in completely," >she replied. They laughed. MIKE: Ho. Ha ha. Heh. > Suddenly a rat CROW: Just for the official record; Megavolt is not, never has been, nor ever will be, a rat. TOM: Fanboy. CROW: Hey! > clutching a diamond necklace came rushing >head-long into the crowd. MIKE: [lecturing] All villains know that the best place to hide after a crime is in a crowd that you don't blend in to. > Ladies screamed as he crashed into >them, and then pushed them aside. TOM: What did the men he crashed into do? Recite poetry? > He was just rushing past Babs >and Gladys when a cloud of smoke appeared and a voice announced, CROW: [Voice] "Attention K-Mart Shoppers! Blue Smoke special in aisle five, on ducks in silly costumes!" >"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the mallard >that's crackin' this case! MIKE: I am the Barney to the parents of crime! TOM: I am the "Make Money Ea$y!" spam that floods your inbox! CROW: I am the Preparation H for the hemorrhoids of justice! > I am Darkwing Duck!" Darkwing's >figure stepped out from the smoke cloud, holding a gas gun in >hand. TOM: Which promptly vanished -- since gas expands to fill the space -- leaving him unarmed. > He shot Megavolt with laughing gas, and Megavolt went >insane, MIKE: It wasn't hard, considering he already *was* insane. > laughing like a mad man. He grabbed Gladys, TOM: [Gladys] "Fresh!" > who was the >nearest to him, and held a weird looking weapon up to her head. CROW: That wacky Megavolt -- he grabbed a coffee grinder by mistake! > "I'll kill her! I swear I'll kill her!" Megavolt >threatened, laughing uncontrollably. TOM: It's sad when even the characters can't say their lines with a straight face. > "Back off, Darkwing Geek, >or I'll kill her!" Gladys shrieked TOM: Umm...why was Gladys saying this? CROW: Hey! I bet she's in cahoots with Megavolt! You know, like a double-agent! MIKE: Not doing a very good job, then, since she's blowing her cover in front of everyone. CROW: [mumbling] I never said she was a *good* double agent.... > as Megavolt clicked a switch >on the weapon. TOM: [makes coffee grinder noises] CROW: [Megavolt] Regular or decaf? > Darkwing looked around, TOM: Obviously having nothing better to do in a hostage crisis. > then stared Megavolt in the eye. MIKE: Ohhh...he's *staring* at the supervillain! How effective! How dramatic! CROW: Help me. >Suddenly he jumped, grabbing a rope that hung from the ceiling. TOM: Placed there early this morning by the maintenance crew of the mall for *just* such an emergency. >He swung toward Megavolt, and Gladys screamed just as Darkwing >crashed into them. TOM: [Gladys] You clutz! > Gladys landed by the feet of the crowd that >had gathered, MIKE: Naturally. Whenever there's a fight between a superhero and a supervillain, everyone gathers close to give the villain a wide selection of hostages. CROW: They've had sensitivity training, I see. > and Darkwing landed on Megavolt. He took hold of >Megavolt's throat, only to be thrown off. Darkwing wheeled and >clobbered Megavolt. MIKE: The descriptive passages are just awe-inspiring in this battle scene. CROW: Battle scene? I thought this was just a dry-run. TOM: Try "dry heaves" and you'll be closer. > They struggled, rolling first toward the >crowd, then away, then back toward it again. TOM: Okay. They are surrounded by a crowd, so no matter which way they roll, they are going to be getting closer to the crowd, right? MIKE: Not if they roll straight up into the air. TOM: Oh, yeah. Why didn't I think of that? > Just when Darkwing >had hold of Megavolt's shoulders, Megavolt threw him off into >the crowd. CROW: Stage-dive! > Megavolt was climbing to his feet when suddenly someone >yelled and jumped on top of him. A little red-haired girl TOM: Argh! It's Pippi Longstockings! > with >the rope Darkwing had used to swing into Megavolt hog-tied him >and then jumped to her feet, glaring at Megavolt. MIKE: Darkwing fights Megavolt to a standstill for minutes. A little girl kicks Megavolt's butt in under thirty seconds. TOM: Time for Darkwing to start worrying about job security. > "You tried to >hurt Darkwing, hu?" she remarked. TOM: Hu? > Darkwing climbed to his feet and walked to the girl. CROW: [Darkwing] Back off, girlie. This is *my* turf! [slap-slap!] >"Thanks Gosalyn," he said, hugging the girl. "But I thought I >told you to stay home." TOM: Doesn't he realize that showing familiarity with a particular citizen in front of a crowd could be a bad thing? > "Ah, come on Dad!" Gosalyn whined. TOM: [starting to shake] Doesn't *she* realize that calling someone with a secret identity "Dad" in front of a *crowd* could be a *bad* thing!? > "You always get to have >all the fun." MIKE: [Gosalyn] I want to wrestle with guys that pack enough voltage to cook Manhattan, too! > "But I can't risk you getting hurt on one of my cases!" CROW: [Darkwing] From now on, I'm chaining you up in the basement. >Darkwing returned, walking over top Gladys, TOM: [Gladys] Ow! Hey, watch where you're walking, flat-foot! > who was still >laying at the edge of the crowd. He helped her to her feet, >replying politely, TOM: Replying to who? Gladys didn't say anything. MIKE: She did if you count the grunts from being walked on. > "There you go, Miss." > "Why thank you sir," Gladys said, looking at the floor. >"I-" TOM: [Gladys] Was wondering why that girl called you "Dad". I'm unfamiliar with that term. > She stopped short as she looked up and her eyes met with >Darkwing's. Darkwing was speechless, and he carefully swallowed >as they stood there staring into each others eyes. MIKE: [crowd member] So, like, can we go now? > Suddenly a sharp voice called, "Hurry up, Dad, Steelbeak is >terrorizing the museum!" TOM: [shaking rather badly now] Just in case anyone in the mall *missed* the first time she called a *masked* crimefighter "Dad"! MIKE: Whoa, Tom, take it easy.... > Gosalyn glared at her Dad. Darkwing >looked at Gladys one last time, then dashed off, his cape >billowing CROW: A pungent gas. > out behind him. > Babs touched Gladys on the shoulder and asked as Darkwing >disappeared around a corner, "Well, I guess Darkwing Duck saved >the day again, hu?" TOM: Hu? > Gladys put her hands to her heart and sighed. "Yeah," she >said breathlessly. MIKE: Quick! Get her an inhaler! > Later that night, on top of a high bridge that stood at the >edge of the part of Acme Acres called St. Canard, CROW: Oh boy. MIKE: Swell. That means Duckburg is part of Acme Acres as well. TOM: I doubt either Disney or Warner Brothers is ecstatic to learn of this geography shift. MIKE: Hey, it could be worse; Angel Grove could have been thrown in. [They all think about this for a moment, then shudder.] > a shadowy >figure with a cape tip-toed up the cables of the bridge. A voice >exclaimed, "The city of St. Canard is home to over a thousand >criminals, but not one dares make a move." The figure ducked >into the shadows and replied, TOM: To who? MIKE: Himself, apparently. CROW: Desperate for conversation, isn't he? TOM: More like no-one else ever bothers to listen. > "For this city has a shadowy >guardian that hunts them like a phantom in the darkness." CROW: If he's the guardian, why is he hunting cities? MIKE: Cities are easier to hunt than criminals. Larger, and prone to staying in the same place for years. TOM: Not Neo-Tokyo. That place is always shifting around. MIKE: Vertically doesn't count. > The >figure looked out over the city and replied, TOM: Is it A) Darkwing is schizophrenic or B) Harcinske has no clue what the word "replied" means? You decide! > "I am that >guardian! I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the >wicked scourge that peaks at your nightmares!" CROW: I am the video store that only has "The Mighty Ducks 3" left! MIKE: I am the Exxon tanker off your shoreline! TOM: I am the minimum wage job you get after graduation! > He slid down >onto a concert slab atop on of the sculptures on top of the >bridge's peaks and declared, "I am Darkwing Duck! And I am-" he >paused, looking over the bay below, and exclaimed, "totally >bord out of my skull!" MIKE: We can empathize Darkwing, believe me. CROW: You know guys, this sounds strangely familiar.... TOM: What do you mean? CROW: I'm not sure, but I know I've heard this somewhere before.... > He paced the slab, complaining, "What is >going on? Are all the crooks on vacation or something? Is there >some criminal holiday I don't know about?!" CROW: Hey, now I remember! This is a carbon copy of the beginning scene to "That Sinking Feeling"! TOM: Fanboy. CROW: Well, it is! > "Oh, take it easy, DW," Launchpad replied from where he sat >with a fishing line cast down into the bay. "It just means >you're doing a great job crime-busting." CROW: Argh! It *is* the exact same scene! I swear, if Moliarty shows up, I'm going to dismantle someone! MIKE: [nudges Tom] You'd better hope the author gets original quickly. CROW: I can dismantle humans, too, Mike. [he snaps his beak] [Tom chuckles while Mike shifts a bit nervously] > "Yeah, I suppose, but I'm not asking for much," Darkwing >remarked, pacing past Launchpad. "A jay-walker, a litter bug, >anything!" CROW: [shuddering] Mike...help me...I'm allergic to plagiarism... MIKE: Hey, relax Crow. Look on the bright side -- at least the author hasn't given Darkwing some lame, failed romance in his past. CROW: [calming down] You're right...whew, thanks. > He paused, looking out over the city, his cape >blowing around his shoulders. "There's just one thing that bugs >me. CROW: [Darkwing] Why do you keep knocking me out and leaving me tied up in the middle of nowhere? > That girl I met this afternoon in the mall, the way she >looked at me, she reminded me of-" TOM: Drinking milk that expired last month. > Darkwing paused, taking a >breath and swallowing. "Stephanie," he finished quietly. [Everyone freezes, which isn't too hard for the bots, really.] > Launchpad stopped reeling his line in to look at Darkwing. >"Your last girlfriend?" ALL: NOOOOOOOO!!!! CROW: [half-crying] This is *not* happening! This is *not* happening! > he asked, studying Darkwing without >knowing it. MIKE: [recovering first] He subconsciously knew there would be a test on Darkwing tomorrow. > Darkwing silently nodded. He turned and paced a few steps, TOM: [sniffling] Falling off the Tower, to his death. The end. >then looked up. "My crime-fighting was the whole reason she >left. After that night we spent together MIKE: Let's not find out any more, okay? CROW: Speak for yourself. > she thought I didn't >spend enough time with her and that I should quit this job and >settle down. I won't listen to her, TOM: Well, if she's gone, and therefore unable to communicate with you, then you *can't* listen to her, yes. > and one night she left, and >then I found Gosalyn and adopted her." Darkwing took a ragged >breath. CROW: All the smooth breaths were gone. > "If only I had listened to her this would've never >happened," he said. TOM: So he regrets adopting Gosalyn? CROW: With the way she's caused his home-owner's insurance premiums to skyrocket, I can't say as I blame him. > "Aw, take it easy on yourself, DW," Launchpad remarked, >tossing his line out into the water. MIKE: With lines like these, so would I. > "You got a great >reputation, and you're keeping the city peaceful." CROW: [Launchpad] I just hope no-one finds out that you've been drugging the water supply with Valium. It might look bad. > "You don't get it, do you?!" TOM: You have to *buy* one before you get the other free! > Darkwing exclaimed, turning >and glaring at Launchpad. "You've never been in love! CROW: [Darkwing] Hamburger Hippo's doesn't count! > You don't >know what it's like, going through all the sudden changes and >thinking non-stop about someone and just praying to God that >they love you as much as you love them!" Darkwing paced the slab >furiously, stopping and whirling the other way when he came to >the edge. "I just can't take this! I went through it once, and I >don't want to go through it again! I can't stand it when they >look in your eyes and promise the world to you, then turn around >the next day and say they're gonna leave ya! MIKE: If they repeatedly tell you to quit crimefighting or they will leave you, then it's really not that much of a surprise. > The whole reason I >brought up Darkwing Duck, the super hero that saved me as a kid, >even though I didn't know it was really me traveling back in >time, is because the first one I fell in love with, Cindy, was >even worse! TOM: Oh well, I--what? CROW: Was that a sentence or a synopsis of "Paraducks"? MIKE: Yes. > She was so sweet to me and got me so I would do >anything for her, then suddenly she was gone, CROW: So he's had *two* failed romances? MIKE: Does Morgana know this? TOM: I'm not even sure if the author knows who Morgana is. > leaving a note >that read CROW: Pick up suit at dry cleaners. Get estimate on new muffler. Dump dork in purple mask. > "Good-bye, singed: TOM: [singing] Nah nah nah naaaaah, nah nah nah naaaaah, hey hey, goodbye! > Cindy!" I just can't take it >anymore!!" CROW: [Darkwing] I'm sick of the color purple! I wanna try orange! > "But-" MIKE: It doesn't *taste* like a sugar substitute! > Launchpad started to say. > "Forget it, Launchpad, just forget it!" Darkwing nearly >shouted. "I'm not falling for her, she's not a part of my life, >just someone I met, so forget it!!" Darkwing stomped off around >the corner of the slab. > > >* * MIKE: Second star to the right, and straight on out of this fanfic. > > > Gladys gazed up at the ceiling and exclaimed softly, "And >then he looked into my eyes and I just MIKE: [Gladys] Retched. > ...just...and he just kept >looking into my eyes, and I thought I could the faintest smile >on his lips, TOM: I think she means she thought she could *see* a smile. MIKE: Say, you're pretty good at that. TOM: Well, I've read so many grammar errors, it's like a second language to me. CROW: Typonise? > and..." Gladys faded of, MIKE: A result of being in the direct sunlight without proper color protection. > staring blankly into space. > "And then here comes the real master of disguise, TOM: Agent 57? > and he >pushes away Darkwing Dweeb and wins the heart of the fair >maiden!" Plucky Duck suddenly piped in, sliding his arm around >Gladys and pulling her closer. TOM: I thought Plucky was going out with Shirley Loon. MIKE: She's probably in the same mystical zone that Morgana is in. CROW: Yeah. Competent fanfics. MIKE: Ouch. > Gladys glared at him, then >grabbed a pillow that lay near her on the couch she was sitting >on and slugged Plucky with it. He fell in a heap on the floor. MIKE: You would too if the pillow was full of horseshoes. CROW: Oh yeah, they do hang around ranches, don't they? > "Yeah, but it was so impressive!" Babs chimed in, sliding >up beside Gladys. "The way he handled the situation so coolly, TOM: [Babs] Getting upstaged by a female adolescent! >and the way he just went dashing off with his cape billowing >behind him!" TOM: [Babs] True, he should have looked both ways before crossing the street, but until that Mack truck hit him, he was really swift! > Babs paused, noticing everyone was staring at her >blankly. "Oh, come on you guys!" she remarked. "Don't any of you >believe us?!" > "I do," Claudia Rabbit replied. "I truly believe Darkwing >is real. I've never seen him, but I still believe he's out >there." CROW: Is she talking about Darkwing or Santa Claus? MIKE: Darkwing. He's in the purple outfit, remember? > "Oh please!" Buster Bunny exclaimed. "He's a walking >rumor! MIKE: So, St. Canard is part of Acme Acres, yet they don't think Darkwing is real? Doesn't say much for the educational standards at Acme U. TOM: With professors like Elmer Fudd, what do you expect? > A no-one! He only exists on his stupid show! TOM: So, Darkwing has a show in St. Canard, or are they making a fourth-wall joke? MIKE: Yes. > He's not >even a has-been, he's a once-was!" MIKE: This from someone whose current job is polishing Pinky's shoes. TOM: Pinky doesn't have shoes. MIKE: Says something about how much WB wants him, doesn't it? TOM: That's low.... > Babs gasped. "Buster Bunny!" she declared. CROW: Buster is stunned as he suddenly remembers *that's* his name! It had been eluding him for *so* many years! > "Darkwing is >too real, TOM: He's just too real to be a fake, you know? CROW: Makes perfect sense. > I saw him with my own eyes, and I have to say he's a >lot more cunning and handsome than you!" Babs turned her back >on Buster and so did Gladys and Claudia. TOM: Like all mature woman, they know that "the silent treatment" is the most adult way to handle disputes. MIKE: The sad thing is, with women, it really *is* effective. THE BOTS: [grumbling agreement] > The next day Babs, Buster, Gladys, and Fifi LeFume walked >toward "The Sound System," a first-class music store, with the >sun setting just to their left. TOM: Uh...okay. CROW: That was...handy to know. I guess. > Fifi waited as everyone else >went in, MIKE: Fifi was acting as the doorstop again. > then, just as she was about to step inside, she noticed >a dark figure creeping along the roof out of the corner of her >eye. TOM: What's Batman doing here? > Fifi stopped short, slowly looked up at the roof, then >shook her head, thinking she was imagining things. > "Why do we have to come here again?" Fifi asked inside the >store. "We are just here last Thursday, oui non!" TOM: Hmm...it would seem that Fifi has yet to master the ancient art of speaking with a French accent. MIKE: At least she's consistent in her inconsistency. > "Because somebody keeps goofing around at rehearsal and >putting a hole in his guitar!" Babs replied, glaring at Buster. >Everyone turned and glared. Buster sheepishly grinned and >shrugged. CROW: That Buster and his fetish with power drills! MIKE: What a wacky guy! > A duck, dressed in a red hat, black cape, black mask, and >yellow suit suddenly came strutting in. TOM: [hums "Bad to the Bone"] > He threw a bag he >carried open, TOM: [puzzled] He carried the bag while it was open? MIKE: If you seek reason in this, you shall fail. > then started throwing instruments and stereos into >it. MIKE: What a clever thief, throwing delicate electronic equipment around carelessly. > He glanced up as the store manager came walking up, yelling >to put the stuff back, and shot him with some sort of gas. The >man was frozen in his tracks. The duck continued to throw stuff >into his bag, the toons watching silently. TOM: Oh great, it's a "Roger Rabbit" crossover. CROW: Good! Maybe it will rain dip and end our suffering. > "Who is he?" asked Fifi quietly. > "Like I'm supposed to know?!" Gladys angrily whispered back. > Suddenly a cloud of smoke filled the top of the room, CROW: Right by the "No Smoking" sign, no less. > and a >voice declared, "I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am >the wicked scourge TOM: "Whacked" would be more apt. > that peaks at your nightmares! CROW: [Darkwing] Wimps scale Mt. Everest. I climb people's nightmares! > I am Darkwing >Duck!" Darkwing came crashing through the ceiling, MIKE: Having completely given up on his diet, there was no way the concrete roof and steel girders could support his lard. > right on top >of the duck. "So, Negaduck, you thought you could out-smart the >witty Darkwing Duck?!" he exclaimed, CROW: Given the amount of wit he's shown thus far -- that is to say, zero -- it doesn't seem like a hard thing to do. > grabbing the duck's hands >and pulling them behind his back. TOM: Uh...Darkwing's or Negaduck's back? MIKE: Yes. > "Yeah, and I would've if CROW: It hadn't been for those meddling kids! > someone hadn't alerted the geek >squad!" Negaduck hissed in a gruff voice. He struggled to get >Darkwing off his back, but Darkwing all ready had his hands >tied. TOM: [frustrated] Darkwing's or Negaduck's? > He grabbed the bag Negaduck was throwing stuff into and >stuffed him in it, TOM: [sobbing] Darkwing or Negaduck?! MIKE: Shhh...the author doesn't care, and neither should you. > tied it, and threw it out the door just as >the police arrived. Darkwing whirled, ran toward an open window, >then paused, noticing Gladys. He quickly looked toward the door, MIKE: Why, if he was running to the window? CROW: So many ways to leave, so little time to do it. >then ran to Gladys, grabbed her, CROW: Okay, is that Darkwing Duck or Bill Clinton? > and shot a rope with a hook on >the end through the hole in the roof. The rope began to pull >them up, and Gladys gave a shriek, but was quickly quieted by >Darkwing. MIKE: Who skillfully gagged her. CROW: I'm surprised more people aren't gagging on this story, myself. MIKE: You mean "in", don't you? CROW: I know what I mean. > They were pulled up threw the hole, TOM: [starting to regain his composure] Where'd they throw it? > Darkwing's cape >billowing beautifully. CROW: Darkwing's cape seems to be stuck on "billow" mode. MIKE: Yeah, it hasn't been able to shift into "flutter", "blow", or even "rustle" for months. It really needs to be serviced. > When they reached the top Darkwing set >Gladys on the roof, then glanced down at the others. Suddenly he >dashed off, taking Gladys with him, and the last thing the toons >saw was Darkwing's cape flowing back in the wind. > "No such thing as Darkwing Duck, hu?" TOM: [breaking down again] HU?! CROW: [sermon voice] And thus, it was written that none shall start and end the same word with the letter "h", and Harcinske did decide this, and saw that it was good. MIKE: [patting Tom reassuringly] Not for us. > Babs sneered, glaring >at Buster. He sheepishly grinned. CROW: A few more of those grins, and Buster will be ready to join the flock. TOM: [still sobbing] Not funny. > > >* * MIKE: [singing] I've got two stars, to break my page, to split my work, just like a cage! > > > "Why did you bring me here?!" Gladys exclaimed angrily. It >was pitch-dark out, and Darkwing had taken her back to his >secret hide out on top of the high bridge that ran over the >local bay. CROW: [Darkwing] This is my ultra-secret hide. I don't know what it is, but I decided to tack it out here on top of the bridge, because I like the noise it makes in the wind! Ain't it cool!? > No one was there; Launchpad and Gosalyn were staying >at the Muddlefoots back home. MIKE: What's wrong with their own house? They stayed -- oh never mind. It's not worth the effort trying to reason with the author. > "I don't mean any harm, just please-" CROW: [Darkwing] Stop kicking me in the face. > Darkwing calmly >explained, taking hold of Gladys' arm. > "No, I won't!" She cried, jerking away from him. "Just >take me back and I'll forget this whole ordeal. TOM: [Jay] Indeed. Would you look at this red light, please? > But if you >don't my friends will call the police! They'll have them all >over the place, and they'll find you!" CROW: Pretty crummy "secret" hide-out, if you ask me. TOM: Sue the landlord! > "Wait!" Darkwing exclaimed as Gladys stalked toward the >door. "Just let me explain!" MIKE: [Darkwing] You can save up to thirty percent on your long distance calls! Honest! > Gladys tried to open the door, but when it didn't budge she >whirled and, eyes flashing, yelled, "And why should I! Here I >was thinking you were some sort of guardian and that you were >good, then you go kidnap me! You don't know what the police will >do! TOM: [Gladys] I don't know what they'll do! Even *they* don't know what they'll do! It's what makes them so dangerous! > I'm one of the most famous people in the nation! CROW: She can't be *that* famous. We just met her this fanfic. > They'll >find you! They'll-" Gladys stopped short, for Darkwing had >slowly been moving toward her, and now he stood right in front >of her. > "Please, just let me tell you something," Darkwing said >quietly, softly laying his hands on Gladys' shoulders. Gladys >jerked back. TOM: And punched him dead in the face. > "I thought I told you-" MIKE: [Gladys] I'm not *interested* in Amway! > she started to say, but Darkwing >had drawn her near. CROW: What's a near look like? MIKE: I'm not sure. Check out Darkwing's drawing of it, though. > "I need to ask you something," Darkwing said, looking her >in the eye. > Gladys paused a moment, then asked in a whisper, "What?" > Darkwing gazed at her a moment, then quickly drew his cape >around Gladys. > > >* * > > MIKE: Ah, good idea. Break away right before Darkwing is about to say something significant. We wouldn't want a silly thing like character development to take place, now, would we? TOM: Speaking of breaks... MIKE: Hmm? Oh, yeah, come on, let's go. [Mike picks up Tom, and the trio exit.] [SOL] [Mike walks in to find Crow at the table, writing something feverishly.] MIKE: Crow, what are you doing? CROW: [not looking up] Hang on, I'm almost finished. [Tom enters and waits next to Mike] TOM: Now what is he up to? [Mike shrugs. Crow scribbles a bit more, then leans back with a satisfied sigh, and nods to the paper on the table.] CROW: There. See for yourself. [Mike walks over and picks up the sheaves of paper, reading as he flips through them. Tom maneuvers next to Mike to see, as well.] MIKE: "Paraducks", "That Sinking Feeling", "Dry Hard"...it's a listing of all the episodes from the Darkwing Duck series. TOM: What's the series of boxes next to each title, though? CROW: [proudly] My ratings scale. Each time that Harcinske rips off something directly from an episode with no new insight or revelation, a box is checked off. The more boxes checked off, the worse the final score. Check out the key on the front page. MIKE: [reading] One mark: shamelessly ripped out a line. Two marks: shamelessly ripped out a scene. Three marks: shamelessly ripped out any character traits and left them bleeding on the sidewalk. Four marks: prime litigation material. Five marks: textbook example of carbon copy. TOM: Where is this fanfic at right now, in terms of an overall score? CROW: I'm not sure. Our calculator blew up when I was trying to add it up. [Alarms go off, general pandemonium ensues.] [Mike and the bots enter the theater and take their normal seats.] >The Terror That Flaps in the Night MIKE: Was shot down last night at 2300 hours by the patriot missile. > By: Christine Harcinske > > Part 2 of 4 > > "And then it started pulling then up threw the roof!" [pause] ALL: What?! TOM: I think that she means "then the roof threw up". MIKE: Dear God, this fanfic is even causing inanimate objects to heave. > Fifi >explained excitedly to the rest of the band the next morning. >Plucky gave her a look. TOM: But crafty Fifi took it to the exchange department at the store and got that Wok she'd had her eye on. > "You sure you're feeling okay?" he asked. Fifi glared at >him, then socked him with a pillow. MIKE: Plucky seems to attract pillow hits, doesn't he? TOM: I think it has something to do with the "Hit me with a pillow" sign taped to his back. CROW: They could at least take those horseshoes out next time. > "Oui!" she shouted in his face. TOM: Which was bruised and blood-caked now. > "Yeah, but if he really did that, how come we haven't heard >anything on the news about the police sighting him?" Harriet >Rabbit, Claudia's sister, asked. TOM: Oh please, don't tell me that Harcinske's using the off-stage character of Harriet.... CROW: And you call *me* a fanboy.... > She looked up from her drawing CROW: Of the bleeding and mauled body of Plucky. >at them. > "Because he stays in the shadows!" Babs exclaimed. "He >blends in with them with his shadowy disguise!" The others >groaned in disbelief. MIKE: [Harriet] Babs, you've been skipping your medication again, haven't you? TOM: [Babs] So what if I have? The little green men tell me it's okay! > "Listen, you guys," Buster remarked sternly. "I know >yesterday I told you there wasn't a Darkwing Duck, but there is! >I saw him!" CROW: [Buster] Sure, it wasn't until after I drank that fifth of Jack Daniels, but still! Those pink elephants can vouch for me! TOM: [Babs] And so can my little green men! > "Then show him to us!" Plucky declared. CROW: From his mangled place on the floor. > "If your so smart, >show him to us!" TOM: Ah yes, everyone should have a Darkwing Duck of their very own, just for such an occasion. > Buster fell silent. CROW: [Buster] Help! I've fallen, and I can't make a noise! > "Hi guys! How are ya all?" called a voice. Everyone turned >to see Gladys waltz in the room, her hair wavy and let-down. MIKE: [Gladys' hair] My date didn't show up again! Wahhhhh! >Plucky grinned, CROW: Showing that he was missing a few teeth. > then marched up to her. TOM: Hup! Two! Three! Four! > "Ah, so you returned to your nest to greet the charming >Pluckster!" he replied, grinning at her has he pulled her >closer. > Gladys looked him in the eye and returned coldly, "Not >hardly." Plucky stopped short and watched speechlessly as Gladys >strutted past him toward the others. CROW: Since the only other time we saw Gladys with Plucky was when she pushed him away the *first* time, how is this a big surprise? TOM: I know! Darkwing hypnotized her! That's the big surprise! CROW: Yeah. Right. He has a female wrapped close to him in his cape that he has the hots for, and he's going to merely hypnotize her. Tom, I need to show you some selections from my tape collection later. > "So what are ya guys doing >in my house, anyway? MIKE: Ransacking the liquor cabinet. CROW: Again. > Surprise party?" She grinned at Fifi. MIKE: [Fifi] Uh, yeah! Those really aren't timebombs over there, just party decorations! > "Gladys!" Babs exclaimed, rushing up to her friend. "Where >were you? Do want me to call the police?" TOM: [Babs] Hello, police? I'd like to report a non-missing person...hmm, they hung up. > Gladys laughed. "Oh no!" she returned joyfully, strolling >to the window and leaning on the window, gazing out TOM: The window. > at the >rolling hills CROW: Beyond the window. > surrounding her house. MIKE: Where the window was built. > "Don't worry about me! I'm >perfectly fine!" She glanced at the others, and added, TOM: Four to eight, and got fifty-two. CROW: No wonder she went into the music industry. >"Perfectly. > "What happened?" Fifi exploded. ALL: Eewwwwww!! > "What did he do to you?" CROW: And did you videotape it? MIKE: [shudder] No mental images, please. > Gladys turned to the others, grinned, and gazed back out >the window. MIKE: "The Terror The Flaps in the Night", starring The Window! TOM: Hey, don't knock it. The window has got the most depth out of the cast so far. > Just as Harriet was about to ask a question, a cloud of >smoke appeared. A duck stepped out and exclaimed, "I am the >terror that flaps in the night!" He threw back his cape, >revealing the roses in his hand, and said, "I am-" TOM: The Ratliff of Star Trek fanfics! CROW: The Gonterman of Sonic fanfics! MIKE: The Brendt of Darkwing fanfics! > He stopped >short, noticing all the people staring at him. CROW: Psst, Darkwing; XYZ PDQ. > "Oh, hi Darkwing," Gladys said mildly, grinning at him. CROW: People grin a lot in this fanfic, don't they? TOM: They also swallow, glare, grit their teeth, and narrow their eyes, but who's counting? MIKE: You forgot billowing their capes out. TOM: Oh, yeah. Thanks. > Darkwing was about to reply when a soft voice with a hint >of a Texan accent remarked form behind him, TOM: [soft voice] Oh...guess what *you* sat on? > "Oh, so that's what >the terror that flaps in the night looks like." Darkwing slowly >turned and laid his eyes on Claudia, stretched out comfortably >on the coach with a baby tee and shorts on. CROW: Uhm...guys? Was it just me or did that seem a bit...intimate? MIKE: If it unnerved you, Crow, than I'm impressed, sacred, and nauseated all at once. > Darkwing stared. >"Hi-ya, handsome," Claudia replied, grinning at CROW: The guy behind Darkwing. > him. Darkwing's >eyes widened and he did a double take. MIKE: [Darkwing] Homina homina homina.... > Claudia turned to Babs, >who stood open-mouthed next to her, and said, "I like this >guy." TOM: Wait. Babs was open-mouthed because of the way that *Claudia* looked? Whoa, this was a twist in her character from the series... CROW: I wonder if Buster was aware of this side of Babs? > "Darkwing, I'd like you to meet Claudia and Babs," Gladys >said, strolling up to the duck MIKE: And plunging the dagger deep in his back with an evil titter. > when he had finally calmed down. >"They're part of the band I'm in called TOM: "Horse Droppings". > "Baberella"." Darkwing >swallowed a lump in his throat, then stood tall, regaining his >witty personality. CROW: If you exaggerated and called it that. > He took off his hat and bowed to them, saying, "Ah, as I >was saying, I am Darkwing Duck!" He put his hat back on and took >Claudia's hand in his. "Just let me tell you that you're safe as >long as Darkwing Duck is on TOM: Another continent. > the job!" > Claudia gently smiled and shinned her sparkling blue eyes >at him. TOM: Shinned? So...she kicked Darkwing in the shins? MIKE: No wonder her eyes were sparkling. > "Ain't that sweet, ya guys?" she crooned. "I think we >should have this guy over more often. Who knows, we could even >play "Twister"." Claudia grinned sarcastically at Babs. MIKE: I don't get it. TOM: I think it's an inside joke about Tiny Toons. CROW: You mean you're not sure? Tsk tsk. At least I'm competent in my fanboy-nature. TOM: [defensively] Shut up. > Darkwing turned away from them and strolled up to Gladys. >He took her hand, MIKE: Putting it with the others in his hand collection. CROW: What a handy guy. TOM: Argh! Bad! Bad pun! > presented the roses, then whispered, CROW: [Darkwing] Sorry about last night, falling asleep like that. > "If you >ever want to find me, just look up." Darkwing slowly backed away >from Gladys, then shot a rope threw the skylight TOM: Yet another skylight to be thrown around. Oh, the humanity! > in the roof, >and threw a little bomb as the rope began to pull him up. A >cloud of smoke burst from the bomb, and when it cleared, >Darkwing had vanished. TOM: [dumb voice] Well, gee George, duh, I wonder where he went! [normal voice] Couldn't have been through, I mean, "threw", the skylight on the rope he was holding! CROW: Darkwing's mysterious exits aren't really all that mysterious, are they? MIKE: Kinda like watching a magician reach through, or "threw", the table to pull out a rabbit. > "Isn't that what Superman said?" Plucky asked. Everyone >glared at him. MIKE: I thought it was, "Stop, or I'll--AAARRGGGHHH!" TOM: When did he say that? MIKE: When he tried to block the speeding truck made from kryptonite. > > >* * MIKE: Big Brother is watching you. > > > Negaduck gritted his teeth as the cell door slid shut behind >him. He passed the guard outside a dark glare, MIKE: In exchange for fifty dollars. The market for dark glares was good this week. > then took a step >and ran his cold eyes over the other occupants in the cell. TOM: [truck horn] CROW: Splat! > A >duck in a clown outfit was busy drawing on the wall with red >chalk, TOM: But unable to understand the significance of what "12 monkeys" meant, Negaduck disregarded it. > and a green duck who resembled a plant was lounging on >one of the bunks. A water dog CROW: Is that a dog that swims in water a lot? MIKE: I think she meant that it was a dog, whose body was composed of water. CROW: Oh. > was sadly squirting at a spider >that crawled along the floor, and a rat CROW: [darkly] Megavolt's not a rat.... > in a jump suit was busy >messing with the light bulb in the ceiling. TOM: Let me get this right: the police not only put supervillains in an unguarded cell, but also put them in the *same* cell? MIKE: I take it the entrance exam for the St. Canard police force is about as tough as a lump of unbaked yeast. > Negaduck narrowed >his eyes, gritting his teeth in disgust as he studied them. TOM: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] Mrs. Kilverperwitz is such a pain! We just had a test on these guys last week, and now we have to take another one! > Just >then the clown looked up. "Hey, look guys, we have a new >friend!" MIKE: [Barney] Will you be my friend? > he exclaimed. The others looked up and stared at >Negaduck like a kindergarten class stares at a new student. >Negaduck drew in a deep breath, his glare sharpening. TOM: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] Stop looking at me! Stop it or I'm telling my dad on you!! > "What are you freaks looking at?" he snarled. > The villains looked at each other. MIKE: Each other, apparently. > The clown grinned. "Boy, >he's a pretty one," he remarked, studying Negaduck. CROW: Well, I never would have guessed Quackerjack-- MIKE: Don't start; we're not even halfway through the fanfic. It's too early for those comments. CROW: Not according to the author. Remember Babs? > "Looks very >good in those stripes, too." CROW: See? TOM: He's got a point, Mike.... [Mike shakes his head and lowers it into his hands] > The plant/duck gave a laugh. "Yeah, he's probably one of those >up-town playboys who got locked up for breaking some chick's >heart." MIKE: [Straightening back up] In a world of anthropomorphic waterfowls, that's not difficult, really. > Negaduck cocked an eyebrow. "That's how it started," he snarled >with a bloody grin. TOM: A "bloody" grin? MIKE: That's what you get for gritting your teeth all the time. > "Course, if that was all, they wouldn't be >trying to send me to the chair." CROW: [TV announcer voice] Shocking news! Negaduck refuses to go to the bathroom in prison! Film at eleven! > The rat CROW: [shaking] He's not a rat! > stared at him, then his face brightened. "Hey, I know >you!" he exclaimed. "You're that one guy the police were having >a hard time catching! MIKE: He kept running, and stayed away from doughnut shops. CROW: So that's what it takes to be a criminal mastermind these days. TOM: Yep. Strong legs and an aversion to baked goods. > You're the one who's been the latest >inspiration in the criminal world!" He paused. "Is it Megaduck?" TOM: And yet another attempt at humor remains just that: an attempt. > Negaduck's bloody grin widened. MIKE: Does that mean that, by default, it also got bloodier? > "Negaduck," he growled >chillingly. TOM: [singing] `Cause it's a chiller...chiller night... > "Short for negative duck. CROW: No! Ya think? > Murdering, killing, >fiendishly bloody, negative duck." The others paused, staring at >him. > Finally the rat let out a breath. CROW: [shaking so badly he rattles, half-whimpering] He's not a rat! MIKE: Crow, calm down! Don't show any weakness, remember? No fear! CROW: [settling down] Okay, okay. But he's *not* a rat. MIKE: [paternally] I know. TOM: [muttering] Fanboy. CROW: I heard that! > "Yeah, we've heard of you," MIKE: Is there an echo in here? >he said quietly. "I'm Megavolt. These are my colleagues and >crime-buddies Quackerjack, Bushroot, and Liquidator." CROW: This is so bizarre. She's willing to shamelessly copy scenes from some of the shows, and yet completely disregard the way the Fearsome Five was formed. MIKE: I guess she hasn't seen that episode yet. > Negaduck ran his eyes over them slowly. "Let me guess, you got >locked up knocking over a bank," he growled. CROW: No, Megavolt got locked up over trying to steal that necklace. MIKE: It's just painful when the author doesn't even pay attention to her own storyline. TOM: What storyline? It's more like an amorphous blob of plot contrivances. > "Hey, how'd you know?" Bushroot asked. TOM: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] I called the Psychic Friends Network, and had my own personal horoscope read for me! CROW: Diane Warwick strikes again. > Negaduck grinned bloodily. CROW: He's getting blood stains all over that nice yellow jacket. Tsk tsk. > "I have my connections," he snarled. MIKE: Most of them are three-prong adapters. CROW: No, that's Megavolt. TOM: [baitingly] You mean the rat? CROW: I'm not listening! I'm not listening! > The guard tapped on the call door. "Hey Negaduck," he mocked. MIKE: Where'd this guard come from? CROW: Well, you see, the act of procreation-- MIKE: Forget I asked. >Negaduck turned and glared at him bitterly. "Maybe you'll get >lucky and only get life instead of the chair, huh?" he asked >with a laugh. TOM: Why did Negaduck say that? MIKE: Trying to psyche out the guard, I guess. > Negaduck's teeth gritted CROW: Ensuring enough future bloody grins for all! > as he glared at the >laughing guard, who tapped the door mockingly again before >strolling off down the corridor. Negaduck's eyes burned as he MIKE: Poured gasoline on them and struck a match. >watched him leave. > Quackerjack grinned, CROW: Bloodily? > turning back to his drawing. "Looks like >you're in a spot," he remarked. "We only got thirty years." He >paused to grinned teasingly at Negaduck. CROW: [starting to squirm] Okay, it was known throughout the series that Quackerjack was a fruit, but this version of him is really just plain wrong. MIKE: I thought Mr. Banana Brain was the fruit.... > "I guess good looks >don't get you everything." > Negaduck's lips twisted into a horridly bloodily grin. CROW: Told you. TOM: Ducks have lips? > "Oh, yes >they do," he snarled. The others paused and looked at him. TOM: [sarcastically] Oh my. Another dramatic sequence of pausing and looking. Be still my beating heart. MIKE: You don't have a heart. TOM: So? The author doesn't have a brain, but that didn't stop her. >Negaduck's bloody grin grew CROW: Adding to the pool of blood on the floor from his previous grins. > as he studied them. "How'd you guys >like to blow this MIKE: Bloody author away? > joint and become incredibly rich?" he growled. > It was barely that night when the guard returned to find the >cell wide open and deserted. A frantic search was made, but the >criminals were never to be found. CROW: But the enormous pool of blood on the floor clued them in that an awful lot of grinning had gone on. > > >* * MIKE: Next week on "NOVA": scientists discover a text-based binary star! > > > Moliarty snickered wickedly as he looked out at St. Canard >and Acme Acres. [Mike and Tom suddenly stare, then shriek and jump behind the seats, away from Crow, who looks at them for a moment.] CROW: What? Oh, forget what I said earlier about dismantling someone if Moliarty showed up. I've given up hope that we'll see any original inspiration from the author by now. [Mike climbs back into his seat, helping Tom back up.] TOM: Well, what about the new characters on the Tiny Toon cast? CROW: I get the feeling she made them up to fill out her desire to have a country band. > He read his wrist watch: 10:16 AM. Moliarty >pulled sun glasses over his eyes and called to the rest of the >moles in his clan. "This it is, children. Soon it will be >ours, all ours! We just have to get control over the Acme Rubber >Factory, shoot a giant mass of rubber MIKE: [P.A. System] Attention! All rubber is to be shot on sight! Repeat! This not a drill! > over the sun, and we'll be >living in our own personal world, without worries except for >our own molish reasons! CROW: Huh, they don't look molish. MIKE: Maybe their parents came from Moland. > But first we must destroy Darkwing >Duck, before he finds out about our brilliant plan and ruins it >again!" TOM: Thank you, Exposition Man. MIKE: That plan was about as brilliant as 10 watt bulb. > Megavolt and Negaduck suddenly appeared at his side. MIKE: [Megavolt] We got the teleporter working! > "Hey, >thanks for bustin' us out, Moley," Negaduck sneered, glaring out >at St. Canard. CROW: Wait; Moliarty busted them out of prison, obviously by digging them out, but the police never noticed a gaping hole in the floor? TOM: It was never said that they were dug out. CROW: Then how did they escape? TOM: Through a plot hole, I guess. Not like they're hard to find. > "That Darkwing Dweeb is getting on my nerves. >You want me to kill him?" TOM: [little kid voice] Huh? Huh huh? Do ya do ya doyahuhdoyahuhhuh?!?!! CROW: Since when did Negaduck ever ask anyone permission to do *anything*? MIKE: Well, he *is* a daddy's boy. > "Yeah, and I'll help," Megavolt said. "That little >pea-brained idiot should be the one that's behind bars MIKE: Negaduck wants to kill Darkwing, and then Megavolt wants to put the corpse in jail? TOM: What would the prison term be? "Life" would be somewhat pointless. CROW: I'm trying to think of some pun incorporating "death sentence", but nothing's clicking. TOM: Please, don't strain yourself on our account. > "Oh, will you guys calm down!" Moliarty remarked rudely. >"If you don't follow my plans exactly everything will go wrong! >We'll get to that later, but now we have a world to take over." TOM: Excuse me, but wouldn't knowing the details of the plans better enable them to take over the world? MIKE: Given the quality of plans we've seen thus far, I doubt it. >Moliarty turned and walked back into the hole he had been >looking out of, and Megavolt followed. Negaduck stood behind, >glaring evilly out at St. Canard. CROW: [St. Canard] What'd I do? > "No little hair ball that has two percent vision is going >to tell me what to do," he hissed, clenching his fists in anger. >"I'll get rid of Darkwing myself. I don't need the help of two >losers with an ego problem. CROW: The author had help writing this? TOM: I don't think so. CROW: But he said "two". > By sunrise tomorrow Darkwing Duck >will be a goner and I will have the whole city at my knees, >including Moliarty and Megavolt!" Negaduck laughed wickedly. MIKE: I see Negaduck went to the same school Moliarty did: Public Ranting of Trite Statements by Villains. > A duck's figure with a cape moved through the shadows outside a >jewelry store. He carefully looked around, then flipped a latch >on a window, painted the sill, then slowly opened the window. >He stepped into the store and glanced at the alarm wire running >across the window sill, now covered with paint, and sneered. CROW: How does painting the alarm wire prevent it from working? TOM: Because it...I mean, what happens is...well, uh, I don't know, really. > He >closed the window, then tip-toed toward a display of diamond >necklaces. CROW: Oh, let me guess. This is actually Negaduck dressed as Darkwing, and he's going to frame Darkwing for the crime. MIKE: You've read ahead? CROW: [frustrated] No, but I saw "Disguise the Limit", and obviously, so did the author! > Off in a quiet neighborhood Gosalyn Mallard was watching tv >with her friends Honker and Launchpad when suddenly the movie >they were watching was interrupted by a news bulletin. MIKE: [news announcer] We have just received notice that all the punctuation except for periods has without a trace mysteriously vanished and that residents should stay indoors. > "This was >the scene just moments ago when passers-by notice the local >"Black Diamond Jewelry Store" door slightly ajar. TOM: Houston, we have a verb tense shift. > A passer CROW: A quarterback, to be precise. >notified the police, then, as the police arrived at the scene, >the store's alarm went off. TOM: Why? I thought the paint stopped the alarm system. And the door was ajar ahead of time, so that wasn't the cause. MIKE: I guess the paint evaporated. > Police rushed inside, figuring they >had caught the thief, only to find the whole store crushed TOM: How does one run into a *crushed* store? CROW: What's the sound of one hand clapping? MIKE: What's the sound of one brain cell working? TOM: Just wait, we'll know soon enough; I'm willing to bet we have at least one musical number in this thing. MIKE: [shrinking into his seat] Oh, please....no.... > and >all the diamonds stolen. The owner of the store is offering a >reward of..." TOM: Bagels? MIKE: Shoestrings? CROW: Ten lashings delivered by Traci Lords? > "Hey guys, look at that!" Gosalyn shouted, jumping to her >feet. "Where's Dad? We gotta tell him!" Gosalyn ran toward the >stairs, yelling, "Darkwing!" TOM: She calls him "Dad" in public, and "Darkwing" when they're at home. Gosalyn, dear, you have it backwards. > Honker and Launchpad looked at each >other, shrugged, and followed her. MIKE: Like all good cardboard characters do. > In a room upstairs Drake Mallard sat propped up a pile of >pillows on his bed, staring at a picture of a girl duck, her >carefree face laughing and the wind blowing her hair back. CROW: Then he put Morgana's picture away and wondered how to dump Gladys. >Drake sighed, then looked up when he heard "Darkwing!" and the >pounding of feet on the stairs. Just as the door was opening >Drake quickly hid the picture behind his pillow. Gosalyn burst >into the room TOM: What?! The door was opening slow enough for Drake to put the photo away, and *then* it bursts open? MIKE: Oh! I know! It's the same physical law that applies to Anime, about how everything has to bulge before exploding! > followed closely by Launchpad and Honker. "Dad!" >Gosalyn shouted, jumping onto the bed, right on Darkwing. "You >gotta come see this! CROW: [Gosalyn] There's a guy on T.V. that can swallow his own face! > Somebody stole all the diamonds from the >Black Diamond Jewelry Store! You gotta get ready! We got a case! >And only Darkwing can solve it!" TOM: The door is open! It's warm outside! I can only end my sentences with an exclamation point! > Drake looked at her sternly and set her on the floor. >"Did anyone ever teach you how to knock?" he asked mildly. MIKE: You're her father. Shouldn't you know by now? > "Dad!" Gosalyn said impatiently. "Quit fooling around! You >gotta see this!" Gosalyn took hold of Drake's robe and pulled >him, much against his will, downstairs. MIKE: Honker and Launchpad, however, stayed upstairs, as Gosalyn had neglected to give them their next set of instructions. > "Gosalyn, what is this all about?!" Drake asked when she >finally stopped in front of the tv. Gosalyn pointed to it, and >Drake watched as it showed police investigating the jewelry >store and heard what had happened. TOM: If the police are already investigating the jewelry store, let's *hope* they heard what happened. CROW: With a police force like this, no wonder St. Canard is so crime-ridden. > Drake narrowed his eyes, >studying the scene. MIKE: Because he knew...oh forget it, that "there's a test the next day" joke is wearing thin. > "Police found a piece of a purple cloth torn on the side of >one of the displays, and they are claiming to know who the >suspect is. MIKE: An A.P.B. has been called out on Barney? TOM: It's about time. > This is Wally Weasel, head chief of the St. Canard >Police." The newscaster held a mike in front of a tall, >formal-looking weasel. > "This is the piece of cloth we found inside the store," he >said, holding up a dark-purple cloth. Gosalyn glanced nervously >at her dad, then watched the screen as Wally replied, "We >believe it came off of Darkwing Duck's, supposed protector of >the city, cape. TOM: [sarcastically] Of course. Because Darkwing is the *only* person in the entire city to have any type of purple cloth. Excellent detective work, Wally. You get the jelly-filled doughnut this week. > We are warning citizens to stay clear of >Darkwing if sighted, and..." CROW: [Wally] If he isn't sighted, well, it's really not that important, now, is it? > Drake jumped. "Excuse me?!" MIKE: There is no excuse for this fanfic. > he shouted, glaring at the tv. >"What kind of a city is this?! Like I would rob a jewelry store! CROW: [Darkwing] A Chia Pet collection, on the other hand.... >What would I want with all those diamonds!?!" MIKE: Buy a new house? TOM: Buy a new car? CROW: Buy a new fanfic author? > Drake angrily >paced back and forth. "How could I be there when I was upstairs! TOM: How can you be in two places at the same time when you aren't anywhere at all? MIKE: Tom, all of twenty people might get that. >And how did that cloth get there in the first place!?" MIKE: The clothing industry has been very efficient in the production and distribution of many different colored fabrics. > "Dad, maybe it was a chameleon or something," Gosalyn >suggested. CROW: Chameleons wear clothes? Oh yeah, Gosalyn, you're a big help. > Drake stopped short. "A chameleon?" he repeated. "I >remember the case we had with Chameleon." Drake studied Gosalyn. >"Are you sure you're really Gosalyn?" TOM: [Drake] I always get you and Honker confused. You kids all look alike to me. > "Dad!" Gosalyn exclaimed. "Why would be here if I wasn't?" MIKE: Ah, Gosalyn's real father must have been Tarzan. CROW: [Gosalyn/Tarzan's daughter] Me Gosalyn. Why would need extra words? > "Maybe you're Chameleon spying on us, just so you can frame >Darkwing Duck!" Darkwing remarked, glaring at Gosalyn. "If >you're really Gosalyn, prove it." CROW: Yeah! Destroy the house with your science experiment! That's sure to convince him. > "Well," Gosalyn said uncertainly, then looked up at Drake, >face set. "You're really Drake Mallard, TOM: Big deal. Everyone who was in the mall in the first part could have figured that out. > and you have a pair of >boxing shorts with little red hearts on them and-" CROW: Arrrrrgh! "Calm A Chameleon"! Are we reading a fanfic or a summary of episodes from the series?! MIKE: Yes, it's "Plagiarism Week" here on PBS! > "Okay, okay, I believe you!" Darkwing exclaimed, quickly >slapping his hand across Gosalyn's mouth. MIKE: Why? Nobody's there to overhear. Launchpad and Honker are still upstairs. > He turned to watch as >the tv showed a screaming crowd in front of a huge stage. TOM: It's the public execution of the author! Man, I wish I had tickets! > "This robbery is making guards take special moves to >protect Baberella, the famous music band, at their concert >tonight at seven-thirty." MIKE: But nothing is being done for the rest of the city's jewelry stores, banks, gold reserves, department stores, and residential areas. CROW: Once again, the city police force comes through for the crooks. > Darkwing's narrowed into slits TOM: He must be killer at the limbo competition. > as he >noticed a figure with a cape sneaking through the shadows above >the stage. The figure glanced out at the crowd, then proceeded >to creep along the roof. CROW: Since he sees this on television, is it safe to assume that half the city saw it as well? MIKE: In this fanfic, nothing is safe. TOM: The plot is, mainly because it's not here. > Darkwing drew back and hissed, "Negaduck." He looked at >Gosalyn, then Launchpad, and sneered, "LP, let's get dangerous." CROW: [Darkwing] Let's not use the handrail while walking down the stairs! MIKE: [Launchpad] Ooooo...scary stuff, DW! > > >* * MIKE: Now, do these ink blots look more like asterisks or a paragraph break to you? > > > "Are my ears okay?" Harriet asked Babs backstage. They were >making last minute adjustments for their up- CROW: Chucking. > coming concert, and >every one of the girls were dressed in a fancy, low-cut, >full-skirted dress. MIKE: Seeing as how most of the girls are twelve years old, let's hope the author wasn't trying to portray them as enticing. > Harriet messed with her ears, which hung >loosely over her eyes. > "Oh, quit worrying about your ears, Harriet. TOM: [whoever's speaking] It's the rest of your body that looks horrid. > They look >great!" Fifi replied encouragingly, taking hold of Harriet's >hands and gently pulling them away from her ears. TOM: Why were Harriet's hands on Fifi's ears? CROW: Ohhhhh, catfight! Catfight! MIKE: They aren't cats. CROW: Oh. Um...rabbit and skunk fight! Rabbit and skunk fight! > Harriet grinned. "Thanks, Fifi. I guess it's just because >Pierre's out there." > "Pierre, hu?" TOM: [his head starting to smoke] HU?! MIKE: Oh no, not again...[starts working on Tom] > Gladys said, grinning as she strutted up, >carefully putting on earrings. "At least he's here. I know >Darkwing; CROW: [Gladys] I won't spend the night with a guy unless I've known him for at least 24 hours. MIKE: The sad thing is I've known woman who don't even have *that* as a prerequisite. [Mike finishes up with Tom, letting the smoke clear up.] TOM: My head hurts, and the fanfic isn't even halfway over... MIKE: I keep telling you to turn off your spelling checker. TOM: What? And have something in common with Harcinske? I think not! > he's off somewhere kickin' some criminal in the b-" MIKE: Bones? CROW: Brain stem? TOM: Blood cells? > "Hi-ya, guys," called a feathery voice. Everyone turned to >see Claudia waltz up, wearing a low-cut, full fitting, >lilac-colored dress that twirled a foot off the ground at her >slightest move. TOM: But was motionless if she was really moving. > She brought with her the soft fragrance of >lilacs and roses. CROW: To offer to the dark powers as a sacrifice. > On her left arm was Bugs, MIKE: Strong girl, carrying him like that. > who wore an >expensive, neatly pressed tuxedo. Everyone stared. TOM: They were still unable to comprehend how a fifty-year old rabbit had landed a babe like Claudia. MIKE: Afterwards, though, she explained that Bugs had the one thing none of her other suitors did. CROW: Money. Boatloads of it. > "Did I hear >somethin' 'bout that cunnin' Darkwing?" Claudia crooned, smiling >at Buster with her eyes. CROW: What's wrong with her mouth? > Buster swallowed. [Crow just shifts his head around, as if trying to force something back before he opens his beak.] MIKE: [to Crow] I'm proud of you. Maybe you'll get some RAM chips later. CROW: Hey, thanks Mike! TOM: Hrmph! Maybe I should starting being crude.... > "Oh, yeah," Gladys remarked, rolling her eyes and fastening >her earring. TOM: She's *still* putting them on? MIKE: No, she just likes to take them off right after putting them on, and then repeat the process. > "I just sayin' how lucky Harriet was to have Pierre >here CROW: I thought he was in the audience. > and how Darkwing is probably out crime-busting at this very >minute." > "At least he doesn't cheat on you!" Fifi jumped in. "That >jerk James CROW: [Fifi] T. Kirk was all over the galaxy, if you know what I mean! MIKE: So much for the RAM chips.... CROW: D'oh! [Tom chuckles] > let me catch him cheating on me with Candice, MIKE: That was nice of him. Most two-timers attempt to keep it secret. > then >came crawling back to me, begging like a dog for me to forgive >him!" Fifi glared out at the front row in the crowd at a black >and white skunk with green eyes wearing a chocolate brown >leather jacket. TOM: You know, I'm starting to wonder about the reason why we are constantly bombarded with clothing descriptions, even of minor characters. MIKE: Ah, this is nothing compared to "A Baby Story". CROW: True. I'm just glad that those other kooks in space had to deal with it. > "Ooohhh! How I wish James would just dig a >whole, crawl in it, bury himself, and DIE!" Fifi turned away in >disgust. MIKE: Being buried alive normally does result in death, yes. TOM: Hence the modern custom to only bury people who are dead. > "Don't worry, Fif," Babs replied softly, hugging her >friend. "You'll find someone. Just take Harriet: she wasn't even >lookin' for anyone, then she gets introduced to Pierre and BAM! TOM: [Babs] She got slapped with a harassment suit! >You have the perfect couple!" > Fifi looked out into the crowd, further down in the front >row, at a smoky and white colored skunk with sea green eyes >wearing a teal blue silk blouse and a black, double-breasted >leather jacket. Next to him stood a black and white girl skunk >with long hair wearing a full-fitting, shimmering red dress. >Beside her, his arm in hers, stood another black and white skunk CROW: Poor guy can't afford color. Sad. >with a top of the line tuxedo on TOM: Okay. I give. Is this a fanfic or a fashion show? > and a very formal looking >attitude. "Harriet is so lucky to be going with Pierre," she >replied, motioning to the skunk with the silk and leather jacket >on. "I mean, they're so in love they don't even care that one of >them is a CROW: Convicted murderer of small puppies. TOM: Funny thing is, they aren't sure which of them it is. > rabbit the other one's a skunk!" > "Right!" Babs exclaimed. "And then you have Gladys and DW, >brought together by some MIKE: Pathetic plot hook. > guy trying to steal a diamond necklace >and a little red-haired girl! TOM: [Babs] Who kept calling him "Dad". I wonder what she meant by that? > DW probably never would have more >than glanced at Gladys if Megavolt hadn't of taken her hostage. >The whole reason he noticed her is because he knocked her over >trying to get Megavolt, and then helped her to her feet. MIKE: That recap was for anyone who was lucky enough to miss the first part. > Man, >when you see two people look at each other it makes you wonder >how they manage to stay away from each other!" TOM: Er, yeah. I know it's puzzling how two strangers who just look at each other can just stay away from each other, too. MIKE: [muttering] ...two people who look at each other...look at each other...manage to stay away... > Fifi paused, then >smiled at her friend. > "Oui, you're right, Babs," she remarked. TOM: As the French accent started to kick in, sputtered, and konked out again after one word. > "I do not care if >James is alive, but, if he dies, I shall throw the biggest party >and celebrate every anniversary!" They laughed. CROW: Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! > Darkwing sneaked along the rail holding up the lights above >the stage. The stage was still dark: MIKE: So the band below is stumbling around in the dark? And here I thought those crashes and thumps were just them warming up! > the concert had not began >yet. TOM: Hmm. Lights are off. No sounds of music. Crowd is quiet. Gee, with detective skills like those, Darkwing is ready for a job with the St. Canard police force! > Darkwing paused, looked around, then whispered, "No sign of >Negaduck." He looked out at the crowd and wondered, "I wonder >where that filthy little-" Suddenly somebody jumped down from >the roof on top of Darkwing, and they both fell to the floor >with a loud THUD! TOM: Hey, they crashed onto the stage! This might actually be the start of something worthwhile. > Babs turned to her band, who were eagerly awaiting the >start of the concert. CROW: Unlike the audience. > "Well, guys, this is it!" she declared. TOM: [Babs] Just get those two, who fell to the floor from the lights above, off the stage and we can start. MIKE: [Gladys] Wait, I think they're our dancers for tonight. >"Put on your performing talents, MIKE: Such as they are. > and let's rock this joint!" The >band cheered. TOM: [confused] Wait. Don't they notice that two costumed figures are on the floor? How can they miss that!? > The lights over the audience suddenly dimmed, and the sound >of a single note CROW: Get milk. TOM: [starting to sob] I mean, they couldn't possibly be that dense as to miss Darkwing and Negaduck right there in front of them, could they? MIKE: Tom, it's okay. I think the author means that Darkwing and Negaduck fell onto a floor other than the stage. TOM: [sniffling] How many floors are there? MIKE: Uhm...as many as she wants, I guess. TOM: [sobs] > being struck and held on a guitar filled the >stadium. The crowd rose it's chatter to screaming, CROW: [audience] NO NO NO! PLEASE DON'T PLAY! > then suddenly >the band struck up playing the club mix to their biggest hit, MIKE: "God, Free Us From This Lame Fanfic" >"No One Else on Earth." The stage was flooded with light, and >Buster and Claudia stood at the front of it, playing together a >rocking opening line. TOM: [regaining his composure] So, you come here often? MIKE: What's your sign? CROW: You're standing on my foot. > Claudia then strutted down the right side >of the stage while Buster left for the back. MIKE: Great. Not only do we get fashion statements, but stage directions as well. The author doesn't leave anything out, does she? TOM: Not if you don't count characterization, plot, innovative dialogue, conflict, drama-- MIKE: I get the point, Tom. > Darkwing quickly kicked off Negaduck, then turned and kicked >at him. CROW: Then, for variety, he kicked at him. MIKE: Darkwing Duck: crimefighter and closet soccer player. TOM: I just want to know where this apparent extra-dimensional floor they're doing the can-can on is suppose to be. > Negaduck jumped, then took off up the ladder leading to >the light rail, MIKE: [Obie One] Don't go over to the dark rail, Luke. > Darkwing one step behind him. > "I've been a-rockin', I got my fences," Claudia sang. "I >never let them down! When it comes to love, I keep my senses! >I don't git kicked aroun'!" CROW: Unless it's Darkwing doing the kicking. > Negaduck glared down at the stage, then grabbed a rope and >swung across it TOM: Which nobody notices?! MIKE: Apparently, Baberella is playing for the "Future Police Force of St. Canard". > as Babs strolled up beside Claudia and sang, "I >shivered once, you broke into my soul! The damage is done, and >now I'm out of control!" > Babs and Claudia sang together, "How did you get to me?" CROW: [singing] Security just isn't what it used to be. > The rest of the girls joined them to sing, "No one else on >earth could ever hurt me! Break my heart the way you do! No >one else on earth was ever worth it! No one could love me >like- MIKE: The pathetic, whining loser I am. > no one could love me like you!" > Darkwing stared after Negaduck as he landed on the walkway >to behind the stage, TOM: Darkwing or Negaduck? MIKE: Don't start this again. TOM: Hey, the author started it! Blame her! > then threw down the ladder CROW: Which bounced off of the drummer's head, giving him a skull fracture. TOM: But the audience assumed it was part of the show and continued to party. > that lead up to >the rail Darkwing was on, leaving him trapped. Darkwing glared >at Negaduck in warning, but Negaduck only tipped his hat to DW >and saughtered off TOM: Maybe it's supposed to be "slaughtered". CROW: Nah. That would actually be in character for Negaduck, and Harcinske has been very careful to avoid that. > as Buster and Claudia played a short line >before Harriet strutted up to the front of the stage and sang, TOM: [singing] Where have all the good fanfics gone? >"You can make me want you, anytime you want to! You're burning >me alive!" MIKE: Oh, this must have been written by Joan of Arc. > Darkwing looked around, then grinned when he saw a >thin rail leading to the walkway. "I can't deny you, even when >I've kept you! Even through weak alibis!" Harriet continued. > Darkwing was about to start out on the rail when Gladys >walked up beside Harriet and sang, "'Cause when the night falls >you make me forget!" Darkwing paused and, grinning, gazed down >at Gladys as she sang, "Your love is killing me! And it ain't >over yet!" CROW: And so Darkwing allows his deadly foe to run about unchecked, all so he can eyeball Gladys. TOM: That kind of dedication is hard to find. Primarily because it isn't there in the first place. > They sang, "How did you get to me?" > All the girls sang, "No one else on earth could ever hurt >me! Break my heart the way you do! No one else on earth was >ever worth it! No one could love me like-no MIKE: [Don Karnage] Surely none can love my wonderful self, like-no? > one could love me >like you!" > Claudia and Buster stepped to the front of the stage, TOM: Accidentally shifting the weight on the stage. It tipped over, dumping the band into the audience, who proceeded to gleefully tear them to shreds. > and >Buster went into a solo. Claudia started to play the same thing >a split second later, so that she was echoing Buster. They >smiled at each other, admiring each others playing. MIKE: Since they were only playing one chord, though, nobody else was vastly impressed. > "Hey, Loverboy," CROW: No, "Loverboy" was a rock band, not a country one. > a harsh voice called. Darkwing wheeled >from where he watched the concert, still on the rail, and saw >Negaduck about to cut the last rope holding the railing. TOM: Where did Negaduck come from? I thought he went down that walkway. CROW: He got lonely, so he came back. >Darkwing glared at Negaduck. CROW: [Darkwing] You're mean! MIKE: That's it! Glare at him! That will really make him scamper off into the corner and whimper in a fetal position! TOM: Hey, with "Daddy's boy" here, it really might! > Fifi stepped to the front of the stage when they were done >and sang, "I shivered once, you broke into my soul! The damage >is done and now I'm out of control!" CROW: Singing a country song with a French accent? Doesn't that break some moral law? TOM: Fortunately, Fifi forgot to turn on the accent again, so all is well. > The band was about to go into the chorus when suddenly the TOM: Audience couldn't stand it anymore and ran screaming for the exits. >rail holding the lights came crashing down on the stage. The >crowd screamed, and for a moment the whole stadium was pitch >black. TOM: Why? Did *all* the lights in the stadium inexplicably go out? > When the lights came back on, TOM: I guess so. CROW: That was a stupid question, really. MIKE: Write a stupid fanfic.... > half the band lay in the >crowd, MIKE: [audience member] I said to get off of me, not cop a feel! > the other half either on the stage or backstage, and >Darkwing and Negaduck were struggling in the middle of the >stage. TOM: What happened to the mystic floor? MIKE: The meter ran out. > The crowd gasped, then went into a frenzy, running for >the doors only to find them locked shut from the outside. TOM: The police were taking extra precautions for the concert, but they can't even unlock the doors? MIKE: The precautions were to leave the state, so they wouldn't get hurt if a fight broke out. > Darkwing swung at Negaduck with a long pipe, but Negaduck >ducked, then jumped at DW, landing on him hard and pinning him >to the floor. Darkwing glared up at him, then hissed, "When I >get through with you, you'll be sorry you messed with the >masked mallard!" CROW: Boy, that line just sends chills down the spine. MIKE: Especially since Darkwing is about to get his clock cleaned. > "HA!" Negaduck sneered back, grabbing Darkwing's hand as he >freed it and pinning it back to the floor. CROW: Why did Negaduck free Darkwing's hand, only to pin it again? TOM: Why ask why? > "And when I finish >with you, you won't even be here to see your precious city melt >into a watery grave!" CROW: Yeah, seeing the city you've spent your life caring for and protecting bite the big one is always a must-see event. TOM: I just want to know what it melting has to do with Moliarty's plan. MIKE: It doesn't. Your point? > Negaduck pulled out a short-bladded knife, CROW: Deadlier than a short-bladder knife, I guess. MIKE: That's debatable. >and it sparkled when it hit the light. TOM: [glass breaking] MIKE: [stadium guard] Hey! No flash-photography or knife-throwing allowed, buddy! > Darkwing's eyes filled >with fright. CROW: [Darkwing] Just half a cup, please. I'm trying to cut back. > Gladys gasped, then ran up to Negaduck and grabbed his >cape, pulling him off Darkwing. Negaduck turned in surprise, >then glared and jumped at Gladys. Grabbing her roughly, he >raised the knife. > Gladys screamed as a purple streak came racing toward them, MIKE: [Gladys] "It's the artist formerly known as Prince!" CROW: I'd scream, too. >bashing into Negaduck head-long and throwing him to the floor, >knocking the knife across the stage. Negaduck turned and laid >eyes on Darkwing Duck, glaring over him, breathing heavily. TOM: What's the rest of the band currently on stage doing? MIKE: The author doesn't care. Why should you? >Negaduck started to climb to his feet, then yelled as he jumped >at Darkwing. They crashed to the floor again, rolling every >which way as they struggled. Darkwing sneered at Negaduck, who >sneered back, staring right back into his eyes. Darkwing stared >back, then made a jump for the knife laying near by. TOM: Yes, the sure-fire way to milk an action scene for all it's worth: have the main combatants stare and sneer at each other! MIKE: Oh dear. Oh my. Oh goodness. CROW: Kill me. > Negaduck yelled, "NO!" then jumped after Darkwing. But >Darkwing was a half a step ahead of him, and, gripping the knife >tightly, he turned on Negaduck, who drew back, then dogged the >flying knife. CROW: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] Stay! Sit up! Roll over! TOM: I think Harcinske meant "dodged", Crow. MIKE: Great. That means the knife went right by Negaduck, hitting Fifi instead. CROW: [Darkwing] Whoopsie! > Negaduck's eyes flashed, then suddenly he let out >a shout as Darkwing jumped, CROW: Shouting counteracts jumping? TOM: No wonder Negaduck keeps losing these fights. > landing on him solidly. > Darkwing struggled to grab Negaduck's flying hands, MIKE: Before they flew off to join with the large flock of hands flying overhead. > then >pinned him to the floor. He thrust the knife CROW: You mean the knife he already threw? MIKE: He pulled it free from Fifi's occipital lobe. > through Negaduck's >sleeve, pinning his left hand to the floor, then stuck a piece >of glass lying nearby in his right sleeve, leaving Negaduck >pinned threw the floor. MIKE: Well guise? Should we even bother with this won? CROW: Know, it's getting two easy. TOM: Eye agree with Crow. > Darkwing climbed to his feet and glared at Negaduck, who >was struggling to free himself. "I told you you'd be sorry you >messed with the masked mallard!" Darkwing gloated, CROW: [Darkwing] Told ya so! Told ya so! Told ya so! > glowering >madly down at him. Negaduck glared up at Darkwing, his eyes >flashing. TOM: Exact change only, please. > Darkwing noticed some one holding his arm, MIKE: While some twos and a few threes secured his legs. > and turned to >see Gladys standing beside him, shaking violently. CROW: [Gladys] I never should have eaten all those jellybeans....[retch] > Darkwing >looked at her a second, then turned and held her close. > "Gladys, are you okay?" Babs exclaimed, running up to her >friend. Gladys pulled out of Darkwing's arms, gazed at him a >moment, then turned and hugged Babs. TOM: So it's really Gladys and Babs? Wow, that's a plot twist.... > "Yeah," Gladys said breathlessly. "Darkwing's here." Babs >drew back and looked at Darkwing. CROW: [Babs] We have something we need to tell you. > "Ah, thank you, Mister Darkwing," Babs said quietly. > Darkwing grinned. "Call me DW," he returned. > Suddenly some one MIKE: The same one that grabbed his arm, no less! TOM: I thought this was a Darkwing/Tiny Toons fanfic, not a Sesame Street one. CROW: [Big Bird] Well, gee willikers, would all of you bad guys, you know, be so kind as to suck gas? If it's not too much trouble, that is. > gasped behind him. Darkwing turned and >laid his eyes on Claudia, standing shocked at the edge of the >stage. TOM: Oh, so *that's* what happened to all of the loose electrical wires from the fallen lighting rail! CROW: Anyone for some rabbit roast? > "God!" she exclaimed. "He's even cuter than the last time >I saw him!" MIKE: [God] Well, thanks, but I never worried about my looks, really. > Darkwing took off his hat, walked up to Claudia, and took >her hand in his. "Claudia," he said, looking into her eyes. >"Just let me ask, just this once, may I?" CROW: [Darkwing] I mean, since the deal with Babs and Gladys, I'm looking for another squeeze. > Darkwing raised >Claudia's hand to his mouth and CROW: Plunged his fangs in, draining her dry in moments! TOM: No wonder Darkwing only comes out at night. > kissed it gently. He gazed at >her a second longer, then walked back to Gladys. > Claudia sighed, holding her hand to her heart. MIKE: Currently empty. TOM: Now it matches her head. > "Anytime," >she sighed. > "Everything's okay," Darkwing replied to the band. "You >might as well go on home." "But-" Fifi started >to say. > "Oh no, don't thank me!" Darkwing interrupted. "It's only >duty." CROW: [Darkwing] Forty dollars duty, please. Pay up or be deported, you french skunk. MIKE: A Frog-skunk? Frunk? TOM: Swell. Now the Wuzzles are involved. > "But-" TOM: [Fifi] How can I make my vinyl car seat covers look like new? > Fifi tried to say, but Darkwing continued to ravel >on. MIKE: Ravel? That's the first right word the author has used. TOM: Huh? I mean, "hu"? MIKE: [Pulls out dictionary] Well, the word "ravel" means to confuse, perplex, or entangle. Who here feels confused, perplexed, and hopelessly entangled? [All raise their hands] > "Yes sir!" Darkwing gloated. "Night or day, rain or shine, >nothing can stop the daring Darkwing Duck!" > "But Negaduck got away!" Fifi shouted. > Darkwing looked at her with a start, then looked at where >Negaduck had been. Instead of Negaduck there was a piece of >paper pinned to the floor by a knife. MIKE: No, not the same knife that pinned Negaduck's sleeve down. This was just some other knife lying around. TOM: Instead of using it to attack Darkwing with surprise, or take a hostage, Negaduck uses the knife to hold a piece of paper to the floor. Yes, I can just see how he's feared for his tactics throughout the city. > Darkwing picked up the >paper. Scribbled on it was: CROW: I'm telling my dad on you! > "Sucker!" > Darkwing glared out at the night, then turned and stalked >back to Gladys. He quickly took her in his arms, kissed her, and >whispered, "I'll be back." Then he stepped back and threw a >bomb, TOM: Titled, "The Terror that Flaps in the Night". > which busted into a cloud of smoke. When the cloud >cleared, Darkwing was gone. > > >* * MIKE: [Grover] Near.... Far! > > TOM: It's time for a break! Thank the maker. CROW: Yeah. Thanks, Joel! MIKE: Uh, right. [They exit the theater] [SOL] CROW: Oh, this isn't good. We may have finally met our match on this fanfic. TOM: Yeah, it's not even halfway done, and I've already been in danger of blowing every logic circuit in my CPU. MIKE: What we need to do is figure out a way to let this stress out. [pause] I know! Let's play "Guest Speaker"! TOM: Oh, good idea! CROW: Yeah! Me first! I wanna go first! [Mike goes off and returns with a small podium, placing it down on one side of the room. Crow quickly moves up behind it, while Mike sets up a slide screen next to the podium, then joins Tom and Gypsy on the other side of the room. The lights dim, while a spotlight tightens up on the podium.] MAGIC VOICE: And now, here is Crow T. Robot, here to speak on the biology of rodents. CROW: Thank you. Fellow colleagues, I am here to settle the theory of Megavolt's nature. First slide please. [An image Megavolt appears] As you can see, Megavolt has no fur, just normal skin. Well, about as normal as something can be with Megavolt. Also, note the lack of tail. Nor has he ever had a tail, and he will never have one in the future, either. TOM: How can you be sure? CROW: Uh...next slide. [An image of an ant, Darkwing, and Grizlikof is shown] Furthermore, it is evident from this size comparison that Disney, when it designs its characters, is somewhat consistent in the size ratios. Darkwing, a duck, is much larger than this ant, and Grizlikof, a bear, is larger than Darkwing. Darkwing is stronger than the ant, and Grizlikof is as strong as a...well...a bear. Next slide. [An image of Megavolt and Darkwing appears] Being the same height, Megavolt cannot possibly be a rat, otherwise the Rescue Rangers would be as tall as Darkwing as well, being rodents themselves. MIKE: How can you be sure of that, too? The Rangers never met Darkwing. [Crow opens his mouth to say something, but Tom quickly interjects.] TOM: In the television series. Okay, get down, it's my turn! [Crow grumbles a bit, but moves down as Tom maneuvers over behind the podium.] MAGIC VOICE: Now, a few words on the proper way to write fanfiction, by Tom Servo. TOM: Thank you. It is evident from this particular work that everyone has been going about the process of writing fanfic completely wrong. The only things that are really needed to make the work a piece of classic literature is clothing descriptions. Lots of them. More so than the Macy's catalogue. CROW: What about characterization? TOM: Mindless prattle. Instead, concentrate on what color the character's jacket is. MIKE: But what good is a story without a plot? TOM: Who cares? The readers are more interested in knowing who made that fabulous leather skirt than knowing what the driving force behind the story is. GYPSY: I've always been partial to realistic dialogue, myself. TOM: Hah! A poor writer's substitute for enriching passages about the color and weave of a dress. If you need dialogue, just grab it from the series. That way, you can be sure that the characters will stay in character, freeing up your creative juices for more information about those tuxes and earrings! MIKE: I beg to differ with that. CROW: Yeah, a story needs more than just clothing descriptions! TOM: [pause] Well...okay. Maybe it could use a few stage directions during a musical number, but that's it! Anything else and it'll be ruined! [Alarms go off] TOM: Drat. And just when I was about to get into the heavy aspects of glaring and gritting teeth.... [Mike and the bots enter and resume their seats.] >The Terror That Flaps in the Night > > By: Christine Harcinske > > Part 3 of 4 CROW: I'd like to see any part of Seven of Nine, myself. > > Darkwing came saughtering TOM: [growling] Saughtering?! MIKE: Tom, don't waste your time on it. > into his secret hideout on top of >the bridge, grumbling, "The one time I get that filthy hair ball CROW: [Darkwing] Has to be on my big date. How embarrassing. Maybe if I offer to pay for the dry-cleaning.... >and he has to disappear, leading me on some wild goose chase, >then vanishing into some unknown place." TOM: What? When did this take place? Did we miss a part? CROW: I hope so. > Darkwing tossed his hat >onto a chair, then started pacing the room. "Maybe he was a >chameleon. TOM: Okay, I hate to ask this, but Crow? Do *you* have any clue what he's taking about? CROW: Oh sure, *now* you come begging. Well, forget it! I have my pride! I have my dignity! I have-- MIKE: No clue. CROW: Well, yeah, that too. > Naw, I can't get that started again. Or maybe the >knife was fake and he planned this whole thing? TOM: What?! *What* knife was fake? The one he use to *stick* the note in the stage? Or the one that Fifi caught with her head? MIKE: It seemed pretty real to her. > Or maybe-" CROW: [Darkwing] I should just lay off that raw ether during chases. >Darkwing stopped short, noticing Gladys standing by the door, CROW: How'd she get there? TOM: This secret hideout of Darkwing's is just getting more and more public-accessible. >her figure silhouetted by the moon behind her, the breeze >blowing her hair softly. "G-Gladys!" Darkwing stammered, CROW: [Darkwing] What happened with Babs was an accident, I swear! The ax just slipped out of my hands! MIKE: Wow, Darkwing didn't take well to being dumped, did he? >watching her as she walked into the room. She wore a light blue >robe that hung loosely down to her knees. TOM: Which Darkwing just *happened* to have lying around for her to find. > "What are you doing >here?" MIKE: The woman who has the hots for him has tracked him down, is standing there in a bathrobe, and he has to *ask* her what she's got planned? Now I see why Darkwing's past two relationships fell through. CROW: [Darkwing] Can I...can I touch your thingies? > "I just thought I'd keep you from thinking about tonight >and how Negaduck got away," she replied softly, stopping when >she stood only a beak's lengths away from Darkwing. TOM: [Gladys] I brought my slide collection of my trip to the place where they make paper clips! If those 1,034 slides don't numb your brain, nothing will. CROW: [Darkwing] Whew. And here I was worried you wanted to make out or something. > "Gladys, you shouldn't be here!" Darkwing exclaimed, >glancing around nervously. "You don't know who's out there!" TOM: Uh...yeah...I guess...that has some sort of ethereal logic to it. MIKE: [to himself] You shouldn't be here, you don't know who's out there...when two people look at each other...they can't stay away... > "It doesn't matter," Gladys remarked, gazing at Darkwing. >"As long as Darkwing Duck is here, the whole city is safe." CROW: True. Whenever he goes out, he leaves a trail of destruction in his wake that puts Godzilla to shame. > She >grinned at him, playing with a piece of lint on Darkwing's suit. MIKE: It's sad when your date finds lint more interesting than you. CROW: You have a lot of experience with that, don't you, Mike? MIKE: [Irritably] Ha ha, Crow. Shut up. > "Yeah, but...you really shouldn't be here," Darkwing >continued. "I just remembered I gotta go check out the bank! TOM: [Darkwing] They just got new turnstiles. Those things are so cool! >They said they spotted Negaduck there." Darkwing started to >leave, but Gladys caught his arm, holding him back. "Gladys!" >Darkwing exclaimed. "Oh, come on! What if the bank is getting >robbed?" CROW: That's a new one. Usually people complain about headaches. TOM: If you're afraid of intimacy, Darkwing, just sneeze in her face. That'll put her off, I bet. > "There ain't no bank gettin' robbed," Gladys replied, TOM: When did Gladys get Claudia's accent? MIKE: They have a time-share deal. TOM: Oh. That explains why Claudia doesn't use it half the time. >looking him in the eye. Darkwing drew back, then paused. >"Darkwing, quit being so antsy," Gladys remarked, letting go of >his arm. > "I'm not antsy!" Darkwing protested. "I'm just trying to-" MIKE: See what people find so intriguing about infomericals. >He stopped short, noticing the light in Gladys' eyes as she >gazed at him. TOM: [Darkwing] Is that a 60-watt bulb? CROW: I *told* you guys she was in league with Megavolt! > "Is there really a bank you're supposed to be watching?" >she asked quietly, putting her hands on his chest. CROW: And then plunged them through, tearing his heart out. TOM: That's what you get for dating a top-secret assassin. > "If there >is, then go, but otherwise, just let me say something to you. CROW: [Gladys] You're a virgin, aren't you? >Now, is there a bank?" MIKE: Yes. In fact, there's hundreds. I'd recommend going to one that has free checking, if possible. > Darkwing was silent, then swallowed and said, "N-no." > "Good," Gladys replied. She gazed at him. "Now let me ask >you something." She fell silent a moment, gazing into his eyes. TOM: [Gladys] Which of these towels was washed in new, improved Tide? >"Did you ever really love a girl?" Darkwing stared at her a >moment, then took a step toward her. MIKE: Darkwing asked *Gladys* that?! CROW: Sure. Remember, Babs and Gladys told him about their relationship back on the stage. > "Not as much as I love you," he returned quietly, softly >putting his arms around her. He looked at her a minute, then >drew her into the shadows. CROW: Oh, that's smart for an inexperienced guy; go to where there's no light and you have to fumble about. Smooth. MIKE: [Darkwing] Hey Gladys, why so cold? My lovin' will warm you up... TOM: [Gladys] Darkwing, you're making out with the railing. > > >* * TOM: I got this one, Mike. MIKE: Go for it. TOM: * * * - - - * * * * * * - - - * * * MIKE: [chuckle] Good choice of a code. > > > "I gotta get rid of that blasted Darkwing Duck!" Negaduck >exclaimed as he paced the room. He was at Moliarty's secret >hideout under Acme Acres' Central Park. Moliarty stood at a >table constructing some sort of an experiment. TOM: Even he was unsure as to what he was building. > Megavolt looked >up from where he watched tv, the show "Ren and Stimpy" blaring >out from the speakers. CROW: What ever happened to the rest of the Fearsome Five? MIKE: League night, I guess. > "Ah, come on, Negaduck, sit down and watch some tv," he >prompted. "Moly will have Darkwing screaming for mercy in no >time, TOM: [Megavolt] He plans on forcing Darkwing to read this fanfic. > or at least when he finishes with his invention." >Megavolt turned to Moliarty. "Hey, Moly!" he called. CROW: I thought Moly was Rebecca Cummingham's daughter. MIKE: That's "Molly", Crow. > "How's that >Double-whatchacallit comin'?" CROW: Isn't that a candy bar? > The mole turned and glared. "How many times to I have to >tell you!" MIKE: [Moliarty] Don't sit so close to the set! You'll ruin your eyes! > he exclaimed, strutting up to Megavolt and conking >him on the head with the torch he had in his hand. TOM: Too bad he forgot to turn it off first. MIKE: [Moliarty] Whoops! Hey, you sort of look like Michael Jackson, the way your hair burns like that. > "It's >Moliarty, Moliarty you dope! And it's not Double-whatchacallit, >it's a Double-Bone-crucher-" CROW: And isn't that a monster truck? > "Would guys knock it off!" TOM: While girls knock it back on? > a harsh, sharp voice suddenly >shouted. Negaduck stalked up to the two, he eyes narrow and >glaring. "All ever hear is you two arguing! Did anyone think TOM: To grammar check this? Apparently not. >that I might like some peace and quiet so I can think of a way >to get rid of that no good Darkwing Duck!!!!!" MIKE: What ever happened to his gun? CROW: Or Moleraity's plan? TOM: Or the plan they were raving about afterwards? MIKE: Maybe we should stop keeping track, guys. TOM: But Mike, I feel like *someone* should! > Negaduck stopped >and glared at the two, breathing heavily. TOM: Oh yeah. Glaring is such a strenuous activity. Better take it easy, Daddy's boy. > Moliarty crossed his arms. "Hump! CROW: Wow! Right now? Moliarty doesn't waste time on a date, does he? > And you put you in >charge? TOM: Actually, yes. Mutiny happens when the underlings put themselves in charge. > I far as I can remember, I set this thing up and I was >in charge." CROW: Shouldn't the guy with the electrical powers be in charge? MIKE: No, the guy with the most credit cards should. > Moliarty did a double take and stared along with Megavolt >at Negaduck, who had a vacuum-like machine aimed at them. TOM: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] "One move and I'll clean and press your suits! I swear I will!" MIKE: Yeah, those Hoover vacuums are just killers. > "But >not for long," Negaduck hissed, his voice low. "This is the >world's first molecule execrator CROW: What? TOM: It's the first machine to curse at molecules, obviously. MIKE: What a useless concept. TOM: What isn't in this fanfic? > that I stole last summer. It >will speed up all the molecules in your body, causing you to age >at super speed. CROW: Then why hasn't Negaduck used it until now? TOM: And where has he been keeping it that he suddenly has it now? MIKE: I have a better question. CROW: What? MIKE: Why are you two expecting reason and plot structure? TOM: Oh, good point. > I know 'cause CROW: [grumbling] Harcinske saw "Going Nowhere Fast". > I used it on that blasted >Darkwing. Either that or you'll blow up, but, whatever, it'll be >a blast." [Crow starts whimpering again.] MIKE: Take it easy, Crow. [hopefully] Maybe that'll be the last of the lifted lines. CROW: [crying] I don't have the capacity for hope anymore, Mike! > Negaduck pushed a button on the vacuum and a ray shot >out at Moliarty and Megavolt. They quickly grew old and gray, TOM: [singing] When you...are old...and gray... >then Negaduck threw them into a wired cage. Negaduck glared at >the two, then strode a few strides away. MIKE: Rather than pace a few paces away? How novel. > "Now I can get rid of >that rodent for good!" he hissed, MIKE: What rodent? CROW: [sniffling] He had better not be talking about Megavolt.... > then jumped into a vehicle >and sped away. > > >* * MIKE: This your asterisk. This is your asterisk on 3 Tab Keys. Any questions? > > > Claudia carefully turned on the radio, CROW: [radio] Oh baby! > turning the volume >down soft. She lit a candle nearby, then turned out the last >light lighting the room. MIKE: Wouldn't that be the candle? TOM: Well, the characters *have* been stumbling around in the dark for a while, now. > The room was softly lit by a dozen >candles placed around the room. Claudia turned, her night gown TOM: Knocking the candles over and starting a raging inferno. >swaying as she softly danced to the melody. MIKE: Everybody, polka! ALL: [singing] Oom-pha oom-pha oom-pha oom-pha! > "Ea, I guess that race you won today put you in a good >mood," Bugs said, watching her from the desk he sat at. TOM: So Claudia's a jockey? CROW: Well, I bet she's ridden enough--mrpugh! [Mike clamps his hand over Crow's beak] > "Well, the roses and wine helped," Claudia returned, >floating over to his side. She leaned and looked at the computer >screen to see what he was working on. TOM: [Claudia] Haven't you had enough of that Pamela Anderson screensaver? > Bugs paused and looked at >her face. MIKE: [Bugs] You've got a huge pimple on your nose. > "You're absolutely beautiful, Claudia," he said quietly. >Claudia paused, then looked at him and smiled. She gently >touched his face, then gave him a peck on the lips. CROW: Mrpgh furgher? MIKE: Oh fine. [He releases Crow's beak] Just behave, okay? CROW: [grumbling] Spoilsport. > "Why thank you, my knight in shinning armor," she >returned. Bugs smiled, then allowed her to sit on his lap so >they could work on the ranch's files together. CROW: Uh, okay. TOM: I know this is getting redundant at this point, but that interlude was entirely pointless. MIKE: Well, at least Harcinske is maintaining *some* continuity. > > >* * MIKE: Okay, I'll see you. I've got a pair of asterisks. TOM: Nuts, beats my pair of exclamation points. CROW: Hah! I've got two pair, ampersands high! MIKE: Rats! > > > "What do you think of this one?" Babs asked Fifi as they MIKE: Held up another helpless baby seal for clubbing. >strolled down the corridor of Hopeful Farm's barn that held the >racing stock. MIKE: The next corridor over held the racing mutual funds. > Babs motioned to a spirited flaxen filly in a >stall. TOM: So she's stalling in a spirited way? Impressive. > "I think she's no competition," Buster commented, pulling >her nearer. CROW: He's pulling the *horse* closer?! I didn't know the infamous Oscar helped write this thing! > "Buster, you promised this was only a business walk," Babs >protested, pushing him away. CROW: [Buster] But the smell of horse manure just turns me on! > "Nobody said that I couldn't warm up for after the walk," >he returned, grinning. TOM: And continued to smear horse dung over himself, getting "hot". MIKE: While everyone else got ill. > Fifi laughed. "He has a point there, Babs," she remarked. MIKE: And a stench. >She laughed with Buster. Babs rolled her eyes and groaned, then >led the way down the corridor. CROW: Leaving Buster to frolic in the horses excrement, deepening his arousal. MIKE: Crow, I don't think even you want to continue in that direction. [Crow pauses, then nods.] > > TOM: And yet another "slice of pointless life" is presented. MIKE: Maybe Harcinske is trying to build on the character's personalities. TOM: Please. They have about as much personality as a rock right now. CROW: Write what you know. >* * MIKE: Yes, new Fanfic-brand Acne Wash will reduce all those ugly, unsightly little stars to just two in only five days! > > > Darkwing suddenly looked up from the newspaper he was >reading, glancing around him. "What?" Gladys asked from where >she stood mixing cream into her coffee. > "Thought I heard something," Darkwing answered. TOM: The background music has switched to a minor key -- danger is near! MIKE: No, it was just the sound of the reader's suspension of disbelief breaking again. CROW: You think they'd be used to that sound by now. > "It was probably the wind," Gladys said, going to his side >and rubbing his shoulders. At first he let her, then he drew >back. > "No, it was something else." Darkwing stood. CROW: [Darkwing] The wind doesn't go, "Save me! Save me! Help!". Usually. > "Darkwing," Gladys started to protest, but when he kept >walking toward the next room she straightened and exclaimed, >"Drake!" TOM: [Gladys] You don't have any pants on! CROW: He never has any pants on. MIKE: Another insight as to why his relationships are eternally doomed. > Darkwing came strutting back into the room, now dressed >in his shadowy costume. MIKE: Purple and magenta are not shadowy. Moody, maybe. TOM: Maybe it's a costume made from the shadows. MIKE: Oh yeah, made from the same built-in shadows that the jewelry store had. > "I thought I told you not to call me >that," he said coolly, walking onto the deck and looking out >around the city, studying every movement in the early morning >hours. CROW: Where in the world are they? MIKE: Still at the Tower, I guess. CROW: Doesn't Drake ever go to his *house* in this fanfic? TOM: Well, Gosalyn and Launchpad stay at the Muddlefoots all the time. Maybe it really *was* destroyed in a science project gone bad. > "Well sorry!" Gladys replied sarcastically, pulling on >her robe as she came to stand beside him. CROW: So she was naked all this time? MIKE: Depends. Does being covered with feathers count as being clothed? > "What do you think it >was?" MIKE: Another plot hook. > "I don't know," he remarked, studying the city more >intensely. "Maybe it was just a bird flying by, or a car, or..." MIKE: Excuse me? How does one confuse a flying bird with a car? TOM: The car's horn sounds like a bluebird? CROW: The bird's mating cry sounds like a blown oil gasket? >Darkwing paused, noticing a black and red vehicle speeding along >the street below. "Oh my gosh!" Darkwing blurted out. CROW: [Darkwing] That guy's speeding! My favorite type of criminal to bust! > Gladys sensed the fear in his voice. "What!?" she asked, >gripping his arm. TOM: [Darkwing] I forget to clean out the crumb tray in the toaster! Horror! > "Gosalyn!" Darkwing exclaimed, CROW: What about her? She's been gone for a bit, now. TOM: She's the one riding the vehicle, I bet. MIKE: Ah, no wonder why Darkwing is worried. His vecihle insurance is already high enough as it is. If they find out that Gosalyn was driving it.... > then wheeled and, without >saying a word to Gladys, shot a rope to the rail above him, >threw a smoke bomb, and disappeared. TOM: Darkwing really needs to work on remembering to throw the smoke bomb *first*, then shooting the rope up. That way, the smoke masks his means of escape. MIKE: Why did he do that, anyway? The only person around was Gladys. CROW: Probably the only one who lets him smoke in the house. > > >* * MIKE: Starlight, star bright, this fanfic is a blight. > > > Gosalyn glared at the masked duck as he grabbed her, tore he >off his car, CROW: Tore he off his car? TOM: I don't think it's worth trying to figure out. MIKE: [mumbling] Two people who look at each other...can't stay away... > and dragged her into an old warehouse. "You're >going to be sorry when Darkwing Duck comes Negaduck!" ALL: EEEWWWWWW!!!! CROW: I think we *all* would be, Gosalyn! > she >shouted, fighting his grip. "He'll skin you alive!" > Negaduck turned and glared at her, his eyes evil slits. MIKE: Oh boy. We're back to glaring. TOM: Whoopee. CROW: Squeal. >"Shut up kid," he hissed, gritting his teeth. TOM: Okay, say what you will about Harcinske, but you have to admit, she does make sure Negaduck glares and grits his teeth so regularly you can set a clock to it. CROW: A cuckoo clock, maybe. > "That dim-wit >could never be worth more than a pile of dust, and if you want >to live another day, you better lay off it. Darkwing Duck won't >be able to save you, and if you keep this up, I may be forced >to waist a bullet." TOM: Diet plans for ammunition? How is that a threat? > Gosalyn gulped and shook in fright. MIKE: Yes, Negaduck's sentence structure is so poor that even grade schoolers shiver in fear upon hearing it. TOM: Great incentive to study, though. > > >* * TOM: Twins. That's Gemini, you know. MIKE: I hear they're the original schizophrenics. CROW: It would explain why Harcinske uses this kind of page break, then. > > > Darkwing glared down at the city as Launchpad carefully >guided the Thunderquack through the towering sky scrapers. CROW: The flight might go smoother if Launchpad tried flying the Thunderquack *around* the skyscrapers. TOM: Hey, I'm just impressed it wasn't "threw" the skyscrapers. >"Can't believe we lost him!" Darkwing exclaimed angrily. "I had >him in perfect sight, then suddenly he's gone!" CROW: [Darkwing] Okay, sure, we took that detour at Hamburger Hippo's, but I can't be expected to save anyone on an empty stomach! > "I don't know, DW," Launchpad replied. "It gives me the >creeps. Maybe we should just head back." MIKE: Yep. The hero's creed: "If at first you don't succeed, give up." > Darkwing studied the city some more, then sighed. "Oh, I >suppose," he answered, CROW: [Darkwing] "It's only my adopted daughter of over two years. I have a hot babe I met a few days ago waiting for me back at the Tower!" > not yet ready to give up. > Darkwing stepped into the dim light of his hideout, MIKE: Anyone know what time of the day this is all taking place in? TOM: The sun last set back in part one. Since then, who knows? >whispering, "Gladys?" He looked around, walking about the room. >"Gladys?" he called. "I'm back. I think I should take you home." CROW: Well, now that he got what he wanted from her-- MIKE: Zip it, Crow. >He paused, waiting for a response. The only sound was the waves >crashing softly against the shore on the bay below. Launchpad >shifted his hat and stood by, not knowing what to do. TOM: With that kind of "take-charge" attitude, LP is a natural for the St. Canard police force. > "Strange," Darkwing replied. "It's not like her to not >answer." CROW: [Darkwing] Normally she shrieks at me to leave her alone. > He wandered about the room, pausing as he came to an >archway. He looked out across the city, then noticed a piece of >light blue clothing hanging off one of the sculptures. MIKE: Since when did the Tower have sculptures in it? CROW: Since when did it have archways? TOM: Since when did it have separate rooms? CROW: Since when did Darkwing sleep there instead of his house? TOM: Since when-- MIKE: Enough! I get the point! > Darkwing >took it and studied it thoughtfully. "Now where did this-" CROW: [Darkwing] Get all of these blood stains? > he >stopped short, his eyes filling with fright. Launchpad noticed >and hurried up to him. > "What is it DW?" he asked. > "He's got Gladys!" Darkwing remarked frantically, TOM: Even though it's painfully easy to predict Negaduck has Gladys, how does Darkwing know that? CROW: And how did Negaduck know where Darkwing's hideout was? MIKE: Well, Harcinske has made it clear most of the city knows the location of the not-so-secret secret hideout. > then >wheeled and dashed off toward the Thunderquack, Launchpad a >stride behind him. > > >* * MIKE: Erm..uh... TOM: Two stars for this? That's pretty generous. MIKE: Thanks Tom, I was floundering there. TOM: No problem. We're in this thing together. > > > "I'm so nervous!" Fifi replied, fiddling with the straps CROW: Ah, so Fifi is the fiddler of the band. TOM: [singing] If you're gonna play in Texas, ya gotta have a fiddler in the band... > on >the nearly strapless blue dress she wore. MIKE: She's messing with straps on a dress that "almost" doesn't have any? TOM: Enjoy it. This is the most thought-provoking thing we've gotten. > "Oh don't worry!" Babs said merrily. "I just know Mepe CROW: Wasn't he one of Fat Cat's henchman? TOM: That's "Meps" CROW: And you call *me* a fanboy... >will show you a good time! You need it too. Believe me, CROW: [Babs] You've been an uptight prig for weeks. Maybe getting some action will help you unwind. > he's >fun! The time he spent with us he could have entertained Bill >Clinton!" MIKE: [Babs] "But he was turned away because he wasn't female." > "Really?" Fifi asked, turning to her friend. Babs smiled, >then led her out the bedroom door. TOM: Uhhhh...Babs and Fifi were in the bedroom? Alone? CROW: Considering what we've learned about Babs, it throws that line about Fifi adjusting her dress in a whole new light. MIKE: Let's stop right there, please. I don't want to be responsible for mentally scarring anyone. > "Come on, I'll show you." > They met a black and white skunk wearing a jade silk shirt >that matched his eyes and a black leather jacket in the fancy, >richly furnished living room. He was talking with Claudia, who >was dressed causally in a purple t-shirt and jade Wranglers. MIKE: What does it mean when the clothes get more attention than the characters? TOM: We're watching people who were rejected from the "Mannequin" movies. For the parts of the mannequins, no less. MIKE: That's...just plain sad. >Although she was relaxing, Claudia still looked fabulous. > Mepe smiled when he saw Fifi. CROW: [Mepe] Finally! Someone else whose parents believed in the "alternating constant-vowel" rule of naming. > "Aahh, my little Cherri!" he >replied softly as he took her hand in his and kissed it. "Let me >show you what love is all about, if I may." Mepe motioned toward >the door, gazing at Fifi. MIKE: He wants to show her what love is all about out in the middle of the public? CROW: Hey, maybe this fanfic will actually start to be interesting. TOM: Only if you think anthropomorphic furries are a turn-on. CROW: What do you think the ConFURences are all about? MIKE: Figures you'd know about them. > Fifi was speechless. She looked at Babs, grinning in >amazement. Babs smiled and gave her a wink. > "Hey guys, wait up!" a light, carefree voice called. >Everyone turned to see Petta and Pepe stroll up, dressed in >casual, light-colored riding suits. "Me and Pepe were just going >off to ride the new jumping course; anyone want to join us?" CROW: Why, are they coming apart? MIKE: Ba-dum-bump-bump. > "Sorry Petta, I have to fill out breeding certificates," >Babs answered. TOM: [Babs] "They won't let me have children until I do." > "We were just going out for a move," Fifi added. CROW: Put the moves on him, Fifi! > Claudia laughed lightly. "Oh, how could she resist? Mepe >sure is Pepe's twin brother, ya kin tell because he has the same MIKE: Foul odor. >charmin' attitude." Claudia paused and grinned at Petta. "And >speakin' of ridin', heck, I can't pass up jumping my new CROW: Boyfriend. MIKE: That was low. CROW: Hey, she *is* a rabbit, remember? TOM: I wonder if she already filled out her breeding certificates? > two >year old!" Everyone went their separate ways with one last >good-bye. MIKE: We can only hope it's the last one. > Later that afternoon Baberella met at the big gallery in >Claudia's mansion. Everyone warmed up, while the girls sang >bits of different songs. CROW: So, just like their normal concerts, then. > "Where's Gladys?" Petta asked. "She's never been late >before." > "Come to think of it, it is a little strange she isn't on >time," Babs replied. "If she was going to miss practice or even >be late she would have told me. This isn't like her." > "Maybe we should try calling?" Harriet piped up. MIKE: Just to remind everyone that she was still around. TOM: True. She hasn't had her outfit described in detail lately, so she's in danger of being completely forgotten by Harcinske. CROW: And that would be bad in what way, exactly? > "Tried it," Claudia declared, walking up with her cellular >phone in hand. "Answering machine's all I got." TOM: Which means it was a more stimulating conversation than actually speaking to Gladys. > Babs sighed. "Something's going on and I don't like it." > "Maybe she went somewhere and forgot?" Bugs suggested, MIKE: Forgot where she was going? CROW: Gladys isn't too swift, I take it. TOM: They should invest in the Invisible Leash for her. Keep her from wandering out of the yard. >strolling up with the other guys, who had overheard the >conversation. > Fifi shook her head. "Gladys always remembers. She loves >this band. Why would she miss rehearsal?" MIKE: She needs to perfect her aim with the rocket launcher. > As they stood in silence a cloud of smoke appeared. The >band turned to see Darkwing running toward them. "You guys! I >know where Gladys is!" he exclaimed. TOM: [sighing] Okay, how did he find Gladys so suddenly? CROW: She was wearing her patented direction-location underwear. MIKE: What? CROW: Hey, it's not like we've gotten a better explanation! > "Where is she?" Babs asked, running up to him. > "Negaduck kidnapped her and now he has her and Gosalyn TOM: [Babs] Gosalyn? Oh, you mean that little girl who kept calling you "Dad", right? Whatever that meant. > at >the old Acme Anvil Factory!" Darkwing started to dash off. CROW: Well, at least it wasn't Andy's Anvil Factory. TOM: Fanboy. CROW: Bite me, bubble-head. > "Wait a minute!" Babs exclaimed. Darkwing stopped short and >turned to look at her. Babs looked around at the others. "Is it >just me, or was it a little pointless for you to just show up, >tell us where she is, and then dash off?" MIKE: Considering the fanfic he's in, this is expected behavior. TOM: Still, at least the characters are finally starting to show some intelligence. > "Huh?" Darkwing asked, not catching on. > Claudia crossed her arms. "Yeah," she started. "Why did ya just >tell us and try take ta off? Do ya expect us to just sit here >now that we know where she is?" > "Um, kind of, yeah," Darkwing said sheepishly. > Claudia rolled her eyes. "DW, darlin', ya have to take us know. >We're not just going to sit here while Gladys is in danger." TOM: [Babs] You're right. Let's go shopping! CROW: [Claudia squealing in delight] > Darkwing stopped short. "No, no, no," he remarked. "You guys >are NOT going with me. Darkwing Duck works alone!" With that he >drew his cape around him and disappeared in a cloud of smoke. CROW: Hey! Darkwing finally made his exit the way it's supposed to look! There *is* hope in the world! ALL: [chanting] Dark-wing! Dark-wing! Dark-wing! > The band was silent. Claudia looked around at them, then pulled >out her car keys. "Let's go, guys," she remarked. Quickly they >followed her out the door and stuffed themselves in her Towncar. MIKE: But as the whole band wanted to come along, they were forced to attempt to squeeze everyone in a la a clown car, providing hours of non-stop hilarity. >Claudia started it up and followed the plane that flew by >overhead. TOM: Unfortunately for her, it was the flight bound for Terra Del Fuego, and they all drowned when she tried to drive across the Gulf of Mexico. > Launchpad carefully landed the Thunderquack outside an old >warehouse that loomed black against the evening sky. CROW: Since when did Launchpad land anything that easily? TOM: Characterization? Here? My good bot, you must be joking. > Darkwing >carefully stepped out, then whispered to Launchpad, "Stay here. >If anything happens, call for CROW: A pizza. > backup." Darkwing started to slip MIKE: Into something more comfortable. >away into the shadows, but stopped short when he heard some one TOM: Yes, the same "one" that held his arm back at the stage. This "one" was beginning to show signs of obsession. >clear their throat. Darkwing turned and looked upon Babs, >Claudia, Harriet, Fifi, and several other members of the band. CROW: Who weren't important enough to name, but were brought along as cannon fodder. >He stopped short and stared. "What are you guys DOING here?" he >exclaimed. MIKE: And alerted those within the warehouse of his presence, negating all chances for surprise. TOM: Slick, Darkwing. Slick. > Claudia crossed her arms, giving an impatient grin. "Well, we >told you plain as day, Darkwing," she crooned. "If you didn't >take us, we'd follow you." > Darkwing stared at her, then scowled. "You guys are nuts!" he >muttered. "Stay here. I don't need any MORE trouble." CROW: [Darkwing] I already have to deal with the infamous ever-changing master plan of whoever the villain is this time. > Darkwing started to tip-toe away when Babs protested, "No! >Gladys is my best friend and I'm not going to sit around >helpless while she's tore limb from limb!" TOM: [Babs] I want to help! > "Yeah, and I'll go with you," Claudia added. CROW: [Claudia] I never liked her snooty attitude! > "Same here," Harriet and Fifi said together. MIKE: Gee, Gladys seems to be popular for the wrong reasons, doesn't she? > Darkwing wheeled in surprise. "You can't go in there! It's >too dangerous! And we'll make too much noise!" CROW: [Darkwing] And you're NOT quiet like ME!!! > "You tell me what could be more dangerous and noisy than me >punching your face," Claudia hissed, taking hold of Darkwing's >shirt. Darkwing gulped. > "Follow me," he whispered, then led the way past the window >of the warehouse. > > >* * MIKE : Uhm...aw shoot. Pass. > > > Negaduck glared at his little gang, made up of Dr. >Bushroot, TOM: When did they start calling him "Dr." Bushroot? CROW: I just don't care anymore. > Quackerjack, and the Liquidator. "That blasted >Darkwing Duck is getting too close," he sneered. "We gotta act >now, or else that dim-wit will find out our plan TOM: [growing upset] What plan? MIKE: You mean "which" plan. They've switched plans more times than Micheal Jackson has had a nose job. TOM: [begins to shake] > and I'll have >to kill him too soon." > "W-why don't you just kill him now?" Megavolt, still old >and gray, asked. > "Because, what fun would it be if I didn't get to see him >suffer, first watching his precious girlfriend and kid MIKE: Well, at least Negaduck was listening when Gosalyn was running around calling Darkwing "Dad". CROW: Ladies and gentleman, let us bow our heads in respect for the one line of characterization in this fanfic. May it not die in vain. >accelerated into old age, then watch him, tied high on a post, >melt into dust along with them!" Negaduck glared at Megavolt. "I >suppose I ought to let you help." TOM: [shaking worse] Why?! > He switched on his >accelerator, aiming it at Megavolt. Megavolt quickly grew young, >then he was his normal age. Megavolt smiled in relief. TOM: [shaking enough to loosen his bolts] And when did that molecular accelerator get a reverse switch?! MIKE: Careful Tom, you're starting to smoke again. > "Gee, thanks Negaduck!" he exclaimed. "You had me worried >there-" CROW: [Megavolt] That you might actually be acting in character. > "Quit your blabbin'!" Negaduck snapped. "If you want to >stay this way, you better git to work!" Negaduck sneered as >Megavolt scurried off to join the others, then turned and glared >at Moliarty. "I suppose I should decelerate you, too," he >muttered. TOM: [smoke seeping from his torso] Why?! > He aimed the vacuum at Moliarty and zapped him. >Moliarty gave a sigh of relief, but stopped short when he saw >the evil grin on Negaduck's face. > "What-" CROW: Is your quest? > Moliarty started, but Negaduck quickly slapped a hand >over his mouth. Negaduck grinned and held a finger to his lips, >then drug the villain toward the cage that held Gladys and >Gosalyn. > "I have no more use for you, old friend," he growled quietly. TOM: [steam billowing out of his head] Argh! Then *why* decelerate him in the first place?! MIKE: Uh oh, we got an emergency here, Crow. [he leans over, popping Tom's head open and begins to tinker around] This might take a while; his logical processor has overheated again. CROW: Okay, I hold down the fort for now. MIKE: Thanks. I'll help when I can. [He begins to wave away the smoke and attempts to vent the heat from Tom] >He opened the door and tossed Moliarty in . "Except for a >hostage!" CROW: Oh yeah. Darkwing is really going to be concerned about saving a megalomaniacal mole whose sole purpose in life is to kill all surface dwellers. > Negaduck gave a wicked laugh and watched him cower in >the corner, then laid his eyes on Gladys. "I can see why that >jerk would come to rescue a classy girl like you," he hissed, >studying Gladys carefully. "Anyone would, 'specially with eyes >and hair like yours." CROW: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] "Duh, you swure are purtty, h'yuck!" > He glared at her, gazing at her frightened >blue eyes. Negaduck gave an evil grin and approached Gladys, who >balked away from him. "Oh, come on Pumpkin," he said a little >quieter as he took hold of her arm. "I just want to give you >dinner." CROW: Baby Seal on a Stick? MIKE: [refilling Tom's coolant] Fawn Flambe? CROW: Bunny Burgers? > He drug her toward the door, declaring, "I won't do >anything to you..." CROW: Yet? > He paused, then grinned wickedly at Gladys >and touched her face. He hissed, "At least, not yet." CROW: [sigh] > Negaduck >pulled Gladys toward a dinner table, Gladys giving a little >shriek at his roughness. CROW: Is this the only way Negaduck can get dates? MIKE: Well...it does work. [Mike snaps Tom's head back into place, fitting it securely on.] MIKE: How you feeling, buddy? Any better? TOM: I...I think so, Mike. I'm just still a little woozy from it all. MIKE: Look, we're almost to the three-quarter mark. Think you can last? TOM: I think I can, I think I can... MIKE: [to Crow] We may have to watch him. > > >* * MIKE: One hen. One hen, two asterisks. One duck, two asterisks, three squawking geese. TOM: And you complain to *me* about obscure references? > > MIKE: Come on, guys, let's vamoose while we can. [They exit the theater] [SOL] MIKE: Okay, so what have we learned so far from this fanfic? CROW: That being a fan of the show does not necessitate competent writing ability. TOM: You know, Crow, that really isn't very fair of you. CROW: Excuse me? Weren't you the one impersonating a fog generator in there? TOM: Well, yeah, but I've been thinking. I mean, sure, the plot is lukewarm, the characters have as much depth of a wading pool, and the all of the fighting scenes are portrayed at a level of skill slightly under your average first-grade play, but nevertheless, Harcinske is honestly attempting to make something here. MIKE: Tom, are you sure you're okay? I mean, you're actually *defending* the story. TOM: Not exactly. I'm trying to understand where Harcinske is coming from, so I can see why in the world she would even consider putting this out on the Internet. I mean, nobody wants to draw the insults this fanfic will inspire. She must have had something else in mind. CROW: Wow...you know, Mike, Tom might be on to something. MIKE: Really? Weren't you complaining about all the copying of lines from the series? CROW: Yeah, but now I'm starting to see that Harcinske was maybe, just maybe, attempting to pay homage to her favorite cartoons in a manner not unlike Mike Demico, Kim McFarland, or Jim Kellogg. She's just not as skilled as them. MIKE: Hmm. This could be the start of something big, guys. I mean, the idea that no fanfic, no matter how horridly written, is "bad". They're all just written "badly" by authors with noble intentions. TOM: Yeah, I mean, think about it. The Mads would never be able to stress us out again. We can just withstand every piece of dishwater-flavored work by remembering that it was written with the best intentions in mind. We'll feel pity, not anger, towards the authors now. MIKE: I hate to break this to you, guys, but the saying, "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions" came about for a reason. CROW: What do you mean? MIKE: What I mean is that it's all well and good for us to sit here and go on about this wonderful new attitude on veiwing fanfic, but we have to go back in there and sit through the final part of this story. [The bots look at each other nervously.] MIKE: That's right. Now, when those alarms go off, do you guys think you can really go back in with any glimmer of optimism? TOM: Yes! Yes I say! Damn the man! No offense, Mike. CROW: I'm with Tom! Enough of this whining and running around every time the fanfic sign comes on. We're made of stronger stuff than that -- literaly! We shall over-- [Alarms go off] CROW: Arggh!! No, Mike, don't make me go back in there! You can't! MIKE: Sorry guys, but we've got to. TOM: I'll call the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Robots! I swear I will! [Mike grabs the bots and drags them into the theater as they whimper, plead and beg.] MIKE: So much for the optimistic attitude approach. [Mike enters and plops Tom and Crow into their respective seats. Crow attempts to slip out, but Mike shoves him back.] >The Terror That Flaps in the Night TOM: [attempting to sound brave] Fine. If a human can stand this, so can I. I will show no fear...I will show no fear...I will show no fear... > > By: Christine Harcinske > > Part 4 of 4 MIKE: Hang in there guys; this is the home stretch. > Darkwing turned to the others as they watched Negaduck lead >Gladys around. "She's lucky he's treating her this way and that >her hasn't blown up on her yet," Darkwing replied. "Negaduck has >one of the worst tempers you could ever think of. You make him >mad, and he plans revenge." CROW: [Darkwing] But he never actually does anything. Odd guy. > "So what do ya plan to do?" Claudia asked. TOM: I'm going to Disneyland! > "Well, ah..." Darkwing started. "I was... just working on >that." > "You mean ya led us here without a plan?!" Claudia >exclaimed. CROW: Actually, he didn't. They followed him against his wishes, but why let a little thing like logic invade now? > "Hey, wait a minute!" Darkwing remarked. MIKE: Shout a little louder, you two; one of the Fearsome Five hasn't heard you yet. > "How could ya? Ya tryin' to git us killed or somethin'?!" >Claudia went on. MIKE: Ah, that's better. Nothing like a shouting match to add to your stealth. > "Well what do you think?!!" Darkwing shot back. "That I'm >just some clown in a costume? TOM: You mean that's your *real* nose?! CROW: Beak. TOM: Whatever. > That I don't even care about >Gladys or Gosalyn, just my reputation!!" > "Yeah!" Claudia returned coldly. "You can stay here with >this new-age weirdo," TOM: I thought Shirley the Loon wasn't in this fanfic. > she said to the others. "I'm going to find >Gladys myself." MIKE: Since you were just watching Negaduck lead her around, that's not very impressive. > Claudia stalked off. TOM: [flatly] Oh, the tension. The drama. CROW: [deadpan] Wow. > > >* * MIKE: Helmet on backwards, shoe off, fifty yards out...split the uprights. > > > "Wait," Negaduck suddenly said. Everyone froze. TOM: While waiting, the Fearsome Five engages in a friendly game of freeze-tag. > "Did you >here that?" They stood in silence, then Negaduck glared. "It's >that scheming Darkwing Duck. CROW: How'd he know from a noise that it was Darkwing? MIKE: With the shouting Darkwing and Claudia were doing, people in Cambodia would know who it is. CROW: Oh yeah. > Everyone! Get ready!" Negaduck >pulled Gladys around so she was facing him and hissed, "We'll >talk later, but for now I got to kill a loose rat." > "Hey!" Megavolt exclaimed. CROW: [Megavolt] I'm not a rat, you stupid reject from a duck pond! > "I thought I told you to get to work!" Negaduck shouted. TOM: I see Negaduck has had experience as a Union Boss. >Megavolt jumped, then ran as fast as he could to join the others MIKE: In a rousing game of cribbage! >setting up a trap. > Negaduck glared wickedly after him, then threw Gladys back >into her cell and went over to a table, where he started tying a >rope in a tight knot. CROW: Uh...why? TOM: Well, because...I mean, he's...hmm...good question. > "Nag, nag, nag," Bushroot grumbled out loud as he helped >the others load a cannon. TOM: The cannon's part of the trap? CROW: Well, this *is* Negaduck. > "That's all he ever does. Like we're >his slaves or something!" > "SSSHHHH!!" Quackerjack warned. "Negaduck will hear you!" > "Oooo, I'm shaking like a leaf!" Bushroot quipped, waving >his branch arms around. > "I hope it's not on my account, Bushroot!!" Negaduck >shouted, suddenly standing by Bushroot and glaring evilly at >him. CROW: [grumbling] "Darkwing Doubloon" MIKE: Crow, just give it up. > Bushroot quivered in fright. "Oh no, no no, your Evilness!" >he said, bowing to Negaduck. "I was just joking around!" > Negaduck glared in warning at him, then rest his gaze upon >the others, who were staring at him in fright. "WHAT ARE YOU >LOOKING AT?!!!" he shouted nastily. Everyone was suddenly in >motion. Negaduck crossed his arms, his eyes burning pure evil. TOM: Wow. Most eyes can only burn evil that's got 10% ambivalence. >His whole face was nothing but evil, a burning hatred glowing >brightly in his presence. MIKE: Must be very handy for reading in the dark! > He stood glaring at the others, then >turned and stalked back to his table. > > >* * MIKE: [singing] I've got two stars, to-- TOM: You already used that one. MIKE: Oh, drat. Sorry, I'm running low on lines. > > > Darkwing and the girls looked carefully in the window at >Negaduck. Someone suddenly tapped Babs on the shoulder. She CROW: Spun around, drawing her handgun and plugging the creep with six slugs. >jumped in fright, then turned to see Buster standing with all >the other guys, including Pepe and Petta. Babs sighed in relief. >"Oh, is it good to see you Buster," she said, hugging him. > "Well, Petta and Pepe suddenly were here, MIKE: Pepe took Petta to the Fearsome Five's hideout for their date? CROW: Well, the admission's cheaper. > and everyone was >getting worried, so we came looking for you," Buster replied. TOM: [Babs] But how'd you know where to find us? CROW: [Buster] We just followed the shouting of Darkwing and Claudia. > "At least we don't have to worry about you guys," Harriet >remarked. TOM: [Harriet] We were afraid that you might live, but fat chance of that if you're with us. > "Where's Claudia?" Bugs asked. MIKE: She went to get some throat lozenges. > "Well..." Babs began, but suddenly froze. > "I'd be glad to answer that," a light voice with a Texan >accent declared from behind the group. Everyone turned to see >Claudia stroll up, Negaduck glaring beside her. CROW: [Claudia] Look what followed me home! Can I keep him?! > "Claudia!" Babs exclaimed. "Watch out! Negaduck's right >beside you!" > "I noticed," Claudia returned, grinning at the duck, who's >dark figure was glaring at Darkwing. MIKE: Negaduck seems to be stuck in "glare" mode. TOM: I bet this one lasts for at least five minutes. CROW: A case of RAM chips says it's only three. TOM: You're on! > "But it seems ya've got >this turned the wrong way." Claudia snapped her fingers, and >the rest of Negaduck's gang stepped out from behind her. MIKE: I hope this isn't the prelude to a musical number. > They >stepped toward Babs and the others and started tying them up. TOM: None of whom saw fit to struggle, resist, or attempt to escape, apparently. CROW: Don't complain; maybe they'll be killed quickly and the story will be over. > "Claudia!" Babs cried in fright. "What are you doing?!" > "I think ya know very well," she said coolly, glaring at >the band with a copy of Negaduck's glare. TOM: Even the characters in the story are copying other people's stuff. This has gone beyond depressing. MIKE: One minute down... > "But if ya don't, let >me explain; I set ya up, Babs. That's why I ain't wearing a rope >and I'm standing by Negaduck an' ya're not." TOM: That's her explanation? One lousy sentence? MIKE: Apparently, she's a minimalist. TOM: True. She doesn't use her accent all the time, after all. > "How could you!" Petta screamed in rage. "After all we did >together!" She strained against the ropes tied around her, but >they wouldn't budge. "After all the times we spent together and >all the secrets we shared!" CROW: [Claudia] So you still wet the bed. Big whoop. MIKE: Two minutes... > Claudia laughed nastily. "It was fun, gal," she hissed. >"But times change." She turned to Negaduck. "What do ya want me >to do with them?" > Negaduck stopped glaring to turn to Claudia, MIKE: STOP! Time, only two minutes and forty-five seconds. Sorry guys, you both lose. CROW: [grumbling] Fine time for Negaduck to actually change his expression. > his eyes >slightly softer. "Take them into the warehouse," he sneered to >the rest of his gang. They started to lead to band away, but >Bugs paused beside Claudia. CROW: [Bugs] Slut! > "Claudia," he pleaded. "Don't you love me anymore? I love >you more than all the movie awards in the Nation! I hope you >believe me." TOM: [Bugs] Mainly because I'm lying through my teeth. > Claudia softly smiled. She walked to Bugs and touched his >face softly. "Believe me Bugs, I loved the time I was your wife. MIKE: But once she maxed out his credit cards, that love took a nosedive. >But like I said to Petta, times change." Claudia laughed. "Git >'im outta here!" she exclaimed. Megavolt quickly lead Bugs away, TOM: But what about copper Bugs, iron Bugs, and my personal favorite, zinc Bugs? >who looked back at her hopefully, hoping she would change her >mind, but Claudia just glared after him with Negaduck. CROW: The Negaduck exercise video: Glares of Steel. > Inside the warehouse Claudia and Negaduck saughtered in, CROW: [sighing] "saughtered"? TOM: It's got to be a code of some kind... >watching as the band MIKE: Started a swinging rendition of "It's a Small World". > was thrown in the cell along with >Moliarty, Gosalyn, and Gladys. "When we're done with them we can >rob all the banks in the city!" Negaduck exclaimed. CROW: Why wait? MIKE: Why expect Negaduck to act in character? CROW: Touche. > "Why not the world?" Claudia suggested. Negaduck stopped >and thought. TOM: Smoke filled the room. > "Hey that's not a bad idea!" he sneered. "That'll make me >the richest duck in the whole world. CROW: [Scrooge McDuck] "Dinnea bet on it, laddie!" > Thanks for the idea." MIKE: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] "I've never had one of my own, before." >Negaduck stalked over to Megavolt, who was messing around with a >toaster. ALL: Eeewwwwww!! > "Who told you to stop working!" he shouted. Megavolt >sulked and turned to Negaduck. TOM: Ah. Pouting at the boss. Gets them every time. > "I-I was j-just trying to fix t-the toaster!" he stammered. > "Not while I'm around you're not!" Negaduck yelled. CROW: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] Nothing may be repaired in my presence! > "How >many times do I have to tell you guys to work and not sit around >and play!" MIKE: Negaduck; supervillain or babysitter? You decide! > Megavolt scampered and away, and Negaduck shouted >after him, "If it wasn't for me, you knobs would still be MIKE: Working as a temp! CROW: Working in strip clubs! TOM: Unemployed in Greenland! >robbing candy stores!!" ALL: Oh. TOM: Well, shoot, I was close. > Negaduck stood glaring at his gang, his >eyes once again filled with MIKE: Steaming hot coffee. CROW: It's Negaduck. Try arsenic. > evil. > "Halfies, hu?" Claudia remarked, stepping up beside him. CROW: Halfies? Is this more the author's strange code? MIKE: So what would "The halfies saughtered in." mean? TOM: "I have no living brain cells." > Negaduck snorted. "Ha," he hissed. "They couldn't take a >pencil from a first grader." TOM: It's obvious *Negaduck* has never tried to take something from a first grader. MIKE: Poor guy never graduated from taking candy from babies. > He turned and paced a few steps, >Claudia following him closely. "If only I found a way to carry >off this job without them," he thought out loud. "It would be so >much easier not t o have to worry about them getting the job >done." MIKE: What job would that be? Robbing all the banks in the city? CROW: I guess so. It's the only thing Negaduck has ever mentioned. > "Hey, once you're done with them ya kin just dump 'em and >we can buy the whole world and rule it!" Claudia exclaimed. MIKE: You have *got* to be kidding me... TOM: Claudia studied under the greats for these lines. CROW: Yeah. Those that were six feet under. >Negaduck stopped and glared admiringly at her. TOM: You know, maybe a glare is Negaduck's natural expression, and then he just has wide variations on it. MIKE: Since when is "anger", "hate", and "evil" a wide variety? > "Hey, I like the way you think," he sneered. "You got a >mind that has some use to it." CROW: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] Unlike mine, which is totally useless. > "Ya've only see half of it," Claudia replied, lowering her MIKE: Head and removing the top of her skull. TOM: [Claudia] See? Here's the other half! >voice and gazing at Negaduck. "There's plenty more where that >came from." > "I'm sure there is," Negaduck returned. CROW: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] Fungus grows quickly in damp, empty spaces, after all. > They stood looking >at each other, MIKE: Oh, the passion! The intensity! The blood pumping through your veins! CROW: Kill me. > then suddenly the silence was shattered by a loud >crash. TOM: It makes you wonder how often silence is shattered by a quiet whisper, doesn't it? > Claudia and Negaduck wheeled to see Quackerjack lying at >the foot of a stack of fallen boxes. Negaduck glared. "You >KNOBS!!" he shouted. "You've ruined everything, CROW: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] I've spent years stacking those boxes! My life's work! [sob] > you've-" He >stopped short as he noticed a map lying among the scattered >boxes. He picked it up and studied it carefully, Claudia looking >over his shoulder. CROW: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] It's the map of this plot! TOM: [Claudia] Oh? No wonder it's blank. > "The abandoned Townsend mansion!" she softly exclaimed. She >and Negaduck looked at each other. MIKE: Boy, the intensity of these descriptive paragraphs about people looking at each other is just mind-boggling. > "This is perfect!" he hissed. He turned and hurried to a >chest. He opened it and gazed at the gold coins that filled it. TOM: Oh, I--huh? MIKE: Where'd *that* come from? CROW: There must be some plane of limbo in this fanfic, where things seep in and out of without warning or explanation. >"It's all mine, handed down by my great ancestors. Together we >can take over St. Canard, then Acme Acres, then the world!" TOM: [starting to whimper] Then why rob a bank if you already have the money you need? Mike, help, it's actually making even less sense now! MIKE: Sorry Tom, but this is beyond any mortal's ability to rationalize. [Tom fights back the tears, which is easier than expected, since he has no tear ducts.] > "It'll never work, Negaduck!" Darkwing shouted. "You really >think you can buy the world!?" MIKE: Trump tried it. Murdoch tried it. Gates is still trying it. > Negaduck glared at him. "I guess I'll do what I want," CROW: He guesses? Not very self-confident at the moment, is he? MIKE: It's Claudia. He always tenses up in front of women. TOM: That Negaduck; such a bashful sort. CROW: Well, he bashes things, at least. > he >threatened. "When I'm the richest duck on this earth, CROW: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] I'll get a mansion, a butler, three identical nephews, a crash-crazy pilot, and go on all sorts of wacky, zany adventures! TOM: NegaDuckTales? MIKE: Please don't give Harcinske any ideas. > everyone >will have to bow down to me." MIKE: These ambitions are just so incredibly tepid, I could just cry. TOM: Why fight the inevitable? > "Not everyone will!" Darkwing shot back. "When you lest >expect it I, the Midnight Mallard, will plan a surprise attack >and ruin your wonderful life!" MIKE: Cappra would not be pleased. > "Pretty strong words for a guy who's going to be dead in >another 48 hours," CROW: Why 48 hours, now? MIKE: Probably part of his latest master plan. TOM: This "plan" is starting to remind me of a plastic transformer toy. CROW: Always changing? TOM: Cheap and constantly falling part. > Negaduck hissed. "I see you have a lot of >spirit." Negaduck paused, MIKE: He forgot his lines! Quick, get the cue cards up! > glaring at Darkwing. "I hate that," he >growled. > "Oh, Darkwing always was full of comments," Claudia >quipped, walking up to his side. "I just knew his mouth would >get him into trouble one day." TOM: Safe bet, seeing how he's been captured. > "Ha, it doesn't matter!" Negaduck declared. He turned to >Claudia, putting his arm around her. "Just picture it; miles >and miles of destruction, millions of people at our feet, >begging for mercy. MIKE: What does Reaganomics have to do with it? > Soon it'll be ours, all ours!" Negaduck >laughed. CROW: Ha. Ho. Ha ha. > "Negaduck!" Quackerjack called. "The truck's ready!" > Negaduck laughed again. MIKE: That Negaduck -- always a sucker for the famous punchline of "The truck's ready". > He turned toward the band, a >welding torch in his hand, the flame blazing brightly. TOM: Too bad he was still holding on to Claudia, inadvertently lighting her up like tinder. > "All >right," he sneered. "Everyone into the truck. Give me any >trouble, and I may have to roast some early dinner." TOM: In addition to the charred husk of Claudia? MIKE: Well, there's not much left of her aside from the crumbs. > "Do you want us to tie Darkwing up with this rope?" >Bushroot asked. CROW: [Dr.(?) Bushroot] Or should we use that rope? Or perhaps some twine? How about a little piano wire for ambiance? > "Darkwing won't be needing a rope," Negaduck hissed in a >low, evil sounding MIKE: Nasal falsetto. > voice. "He'll need an ambulance!" Negaduck >laughed, talking a step toward the band. "Now," he growled, >laughing a wicked laughed, "want to play moth to flame?" >Negaduck laughed evilly, striding toward the CROW: Laughing. > band, the TOM: Laughing. > torch >burning brightly. The band gripped each other in MIKE: Laughing. > fright as >Negaduck laughed uncontrollably in a wicked, pure evil laugh, >his eyes narrow slits that burned evil as he strode toward them MIKE: Evilly. >in big, TOM: Evil. > long strides. CROW: That were evil. MIKE: And co-starring with The Window, it's Evil and Laughed! > > >* * MIKE: And now...number one... TOM: [slide projector noise] MIKE: ...the asterisks...the asterisks...the asterisks.... > > > Babs and the band struggled to free themselves of the TOM: Horrid characterizations forced upon them. > steel >cell, now placed in the rich-looking ball room of a 150 room >mansion. Negaduck walked up and glared at Darkwing with the >same old horrid glare. MIKE: You'd think he could at least get some new horrid glares. He's had that one since 1987. > "Things ain't like they used to be, eh >Darkwing?" he sneered. CROW: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] We used to be in high-quality fanfics, but boy, have times have changed for the worst. > "You just have to feed your own self-centered ego," MIKE: [Darkwing] Finish your homework, walk the dog, and *then* you can go out and play. >Darkwing hissed, glaring back at him. > Negaduck grinned evilly. "You may be ALL: Left! > right," ALL: Left! > he remarked. > "Are ya sure?" a voice called. Negaduck and Darkwing turned >to see Claudia standing posed in the doorway of the ballroom in >a red-violet sparkling dress that was full-fitting at the top >and full-skirted at the bottom. MIKE: Ladies and gentleman, Claudia has just made her nth change of clothes! CROW: It's certainly one of the more stressed points of the story. > "As far as I remember you just >wanted a reputation," she replied. CROW: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] Yeah, but "Daddy's boy" isn't quite what I wanted. The kids on the playground pick on me about it! > Darkwing and Negaduck stared, mouths open. "And she ran to >you," Darkwing said in awe. Negaduck grinned. CROW: At least it wasn't bloody. TOM: Are you kidding? After that scene in the jail cell, Negaduck's lucky if he has enough blood left to fill a thimble. > "Yup," he replied. "And she's all mine. Beauty, ain't she?" >Darkwing silently nodded. They stood staring, MIKE: Aw...they're bonding! CROW: How? Making eyes at Claudia? > then Negaduck >glared at Darkwing. "All right!" he exclaimed. "This ain't no CROW: Disco! MIKE: Hay ride! TOM: Worthwhile reading! >joy show!" ALL: Oh. TOM: Well, he *is* right. There's no joy to be found here. > He pushed Darkwing farther into the cell. Claudia >waltzed up to Negaduck and took his arm. CROW: [Claudia] Sorry, but I need to replace my right one. > "I just hope he doesn't fall in love too much," she hissed. >"Then he'll try to rescue the band and me." She grinned >devilishly. "Not that he'll succeed." > "What be-witched me and made me think you were a trusting >friend I don't know, MIKE: It's called "plot contrivance". You should be used to it after having been beaten over the head with them throughout the story. > but I wish it would kill me now MIKE: Me too! TOM: Me three! CROW: Ditto! > before I >have to stand another minute of CROW: [whoever's talking] The Mr. Rogers impression that Bushroot has been doing! > watching you strut around with >that rich snob!" Petta screamed. She drew back to punch a hole >in the steel, but when she did, all she got was a slight >vibration and a badly bruised hand. TOM: That was incessantly stupid, even by Petta's standards. MIKE: Actually, she was going for Darkwing, but has horrible aim. > Negaduck glared at her. "Why I otta-" he started, but >Claudia held up her hand. MIKE: Negaduck gets upset when people injure themselves? He really hasn't been acting himself lately. CROW: Try from page one. > "Let it go," she replied. "If she wants to die, she will, >along with all her other little friends, but for now we must >plan." CROW: [flatly] Oh goody. We get back to the ever devolving "master" plan. MIKE: I bet the plan is to come up with a plan before the story's over. TOM: I'll buy that. > Negaduck glared threateningly at Petta and the others. TOM: Why, you ask? Because he can! >"I'll deal with you guys later," he said, then followed Claudia >over to the chest of gold. MIKE: Has anyone else noticed the molecular accelerator has seemed to mysteriously vanished again? CROW: Probably was sucked back into limbo with the rest of the Fearsome Five. TOM: And Baberella. > "How did your ancestors ever find so much gold?" Claudia >asked in awe. CROW: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] Hundreds of years checking for loose change in phone booths. It took forever, especially since there weren't any until this century. > Negaduck gazed at his finger nails in self-importance. MIKE: Not everyone is important enough to have their fingers nailed on their own hands, after all. >"Well, my great, great grandpa was Negaduck, TOM: [singing] I'm...my own grandpa.... > the scourge of the CROW: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] Playground puddles. All the toddlers lived in fear of him! >Seven Seas. He was a great pirate, and he stole this chest of >gold from the royal family." > "The way I remember it my great, great grandpa, the great >Darkwing Doubloon, saved the treasure and defeated Negaduck not >once but three times!" Darkwing suddenly spoke up, glaring out >of the cell at Negaduck. > "Really?" Gladys asked, sliding her hand into his. TOM: Darkwing's or Negaduck's?...oh, I'm starting to get flashbacks... > "HA!" Negaduck sneered. "The Darkwing Doubloon was just >some clown in a costume, same as you!" > Claudia noticed the two glaring darkly at each other, CROW: Which was pretty much how they greeted each other, so it wasn't anything surprising. > and >suddenly pulled at Negaduck's shirt. "I love it when ya talk >that way," she said, gazing at him. MIKE: He was glaring, not talking. TOM: Exactly. She loves it he when shuts up. MIKE: Oh. That actually *makes* sense. > Negaduck stopped glaring at Darkwing to look at her in >surprise. "Oh really?" he sneered. > "Really," Claudia crooned, lowering her voice and gazing at >Negaduck. He grinned in pleasure. > "I knew you'd be worth something," he replied. CROW: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] "I already have bids for you up to a dollar!" > "Not only do >you have a great mind, but you're a sight more entertaining than >those knobs." CROW: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] Dance for me, babe! > He turned to the others. "Bushroot! Quackerjack! MIKE: Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen! >Keep an eye on the others. You other two CROW: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] Whatever your names are. TOM: They're only in his gang, after all. > keep working. I'm >going to go relax!" With that, he and Claudia saughtered TOM: Now I *know* it's a code of some kind! > out of >the room arm in arm. > The band stared after them in surprise. "I would've never >thought..." Harriet said. TOM: [Harriet] That'd I'd get any more lines in this story. > "Now there's a side of Claudia we haven't seen before," CROW: Her backside? MIKE: Lucky stiffs. >Babs remarked. "She's actually let another guy steal her heart." > "Oui," Fifi spoke up. "She has changed, no?" CROW: Duh! > Someone suddenly groaned. The band turned to see Bugs, a >pale green in color, lying propped up against the wall. "He's >not feeling too good," Buster replied. Babs shook her head. TOM: [Babs] We can't afford dead weight. Kill him. > "I can't believe this," she said. "All of a sudden >Claudia's some criminal and our lives are about to end." She >went to Buster and hugged him. "I just can't believe it." MIKE: [Babs] We'll finally be free of this fanfic! > Claudia sat down on the edge of a king-sized bed that was >richly decorated with silk sheets and a canopy. "So this is what >ya do in your spare time," she replied, TOM: Most hardened criminals sharpen their blades and practice their unarmed combat. Negaduck works on his interior decorating skills. > lying down on the bed >on her side and turning to gaze at Negaduck, who stood glaring >in the doorway. MIKE: Okay, I'll bite. Why is he glaring now? CROW: Why stop when you're on a roll? > "Actually, I usually rob a band or two," he said, coming to TOM: His senses, and he quickly killed the hostages without further delay. The End. >her side. "But this time I'll make an exception." He laid down >beside her, running his hand softly down her cheek. "You know, >I'm not for compliments, but I must say you are one of the CROW: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] Easiest girls I've known. >prettiest girls I have ever seen." > "That's what they all say," Claudia said, grinning at him. >"But none of them CROW: [Claudia] Respect me in the morning. > have the self-confidence you have to say it." >Giving a wicked grin, Claudia pulled Negaduck closer. > About an hour later Negaduck and Claudia returned, TOM: Claudia grumbling something about a wash-out. >Claudia's arm in Negaduck's. Negaduck glared around. "Well, you >knobs finally did something right!" he exclaimed. CROW: Oh? He knew they were secretly videotaping the events of the bedroom? > "We're not knobs!" Megavolt protested. "And we'll prove >it!" [Crow whispers something to Mike, who nods, and picks up a clipboard with a list of Darkwing Duck episode names. He marks a check by "Life, the Negaverse, and Everything", and then sets the clipboard down again.] > They stalked over to the band and grabbed Gosalyn. She >screamed as they dragged her toward a table and tied her on it. MIKE: I'd scream, too, if someone just pulled me through a cage instead of taking me out through the door. > "See," Bushroot gloated. "We're not knobs. When the candle >burns through the rope, the negahammer will come crashing down >and BAM! CROW: [Dr.(?) Bushroot] We'll have just ripped off another scene from "Life, the Negaverse, and Everything"! > We'll have a new Frisbee!" They laughed. MIKE: Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! > "No!" Darkwing shouted as Quackerjack lit a candle that >burned close to a rope holding up a huge hammer that was aimed >for the table Gosalyn was tied to. TOM: And once more the commas are apparently extinct by the way that Harcinske likes to link together phrases in a long sentence which should have been broken up to make for easier reading. > "Well, this changes everything," Negaduck hissed. TOM: Wait. Didn't Negaduck want to reduce Gosalyn to dust instead? MIKE: Yes. TOM: And how does tying a twelve-year old girl to the trap prove that the rest of the Fearsome Four aren't knobs? MIKE: It doesn't. TOM: So nothing's changed? MIKE: Right. TOM: I thought so, thanks. > "Maybe >now I can get to my secret hideout." TOM: Who needs a reason? We leave that as a mental exercise for the reader! CROW: Or a punishment. > "Ooo, you have a secret hideout?" Gosalyn replied, >straining against the ropes that held her to see Negaduck. > "You bet we do, Missy!" Megavolt returned, but Negaduck >quickly kicked him in the stomach. > "You idiot!" he exclaimed. "You want her to find out >everything?!" TOM: Confirming that a hideout exists is telling her everything? MIKE: It makes sense. They don't have any real plan aside from the map. > "Well, we didn't tell her about the map that shows how to >get to your hide out MIKE: Of the storage bin and wear it for a grotesque Halloween costume. > and that it's on your desk," Bushroot >replied. > "What map?" Gosalyn asked. Negaduck glared at his gang, >breathing heavily. TOM: Wow, glaring really *does* wear out that wimp! > "Oops," Bushroot said. Negaduck shouted and pulled out a >gun. MIKE: Hey, look guys! He finally got his gun back from that limbo area it's been for the whole story. CROW: I bet he'd be even more pleased if he got his bullets back. > The others jumped in fright and ran away, and, with a angry >shout, Negaduck followed them, screaming in rage. > "Skin him alive!" Petta shouted. TOM: First Claudia, now Petta. The turncoat bandwagon just keeps growing here. > "Don't let him chase you >like that! Kill him! Rip out his-" MIKE: Saddle joint! TOM: Cerebrospinal fluid! CROW: Frontal lobe! > "Shut up!" Claudia shouted, glaring at Petta. > "Why don't you-" CROW: [Petta] Use Maxwell's type II cassette tapes to dub your CDs on to, for better sound quality? > Petta started to say, but Claudia slapped >her hand over her mouth. TOM: Petta's mouth or Claudia's? MIKE: Does it matter any more? CROW: Did it ever? > Claudia lowered her voice to a whisper and said, "Ya >wouldn't want him to hear, would ya?" Petta stopped struggling >to look at Claudia in surprise. Claudia grinned and pulled some >keys out of her pocket, winking at the others. They smiled. >Claudia rest her eyes on Darkwing, who winked back. TOM: Interesting that she only tried to get the keys *after* she slept with Negaduck. CROW: If she wasn't careful, she may have gotten a lot more than the keys. MIKE: Ewww.... > "Buster, go untie Gosalyn," Darkwing whispered as he >stepped out of the cell. "I'll get Negaduck, and maybe this >costume clown can still be a hero." TOM: [Homie the Clown] No. I don't think so. Homie don't play that. CROW: And just for the record, that line was from "Darkly Dawns the Duck". MIKE: Getting rather petty, aren't we? CROW: [stubbornly] Yes. Your point? > Negaduck finally cornered the others and raised his gun, CROW: Which isn't really a threat at all for Liquidator. TOM: Who? CROW: Liquidator. You know, that water dog from way back? TOM: Uh...no. Is he mentioned at all after then? CROW: No. MIKE: No wonder he's still in character. >aiming first at Megavolt. "This is just a little something to MIKE: Stop all neural activity in your brain. >show how much I enjoyed having you as a partner," ALL: EWWWWW!!!! > he hissed, his >eyes burning evil. Megavolt squeezed his eyes shut in fright. > Negaduck was about to pull the trigger when a voice >declared, "I am the terror that flaps in the night!" Negaduck >wheeled and looked frantically about the room. "I am the rash >you cannot itch!" MIKE: I am the plot you cannot find! TOM: I am characterization that is nonexistent! CROW: I am the dialogue that is lifted from every other episode! > Negaduck glared at a cloud of smoke. A duck >stepped out of it and exclaimed, TOM: You're despicable! > "I am Darkwing Duck!" > "Suck lead, do-gooder!" Negaduck shouted and pulled the >trigger. Darkwing quickly threw a smoke bomb and it burst into >a cloud of blue smoke. CROW: Smoke blocks bullets? TOM: Why not? Everything else in this fanfic is contradictory. > Negaduck glared at the smoke, sure he had >shot Darkwing. MIKE: His main clue being Darkwing's bleeding body sprawled out on the ground. > Suddenly someone kicked the gun out of his hand. >Negaduck landed hard on the ground, and Darkwing caught the gun >as it came sailing down out of the air. > "When are you going to learn that I'll always win, >Negaduck?" he gloated. > "You haven't won yet," Negaduck hissed. "Negaduck does not >run from a fight!" TOM: Unless the other guy is really, really big and mean-looking. > He leapt at Darkwing, grabbing for the gun. MIKE: Come on Darkwing, you know you want to shoot him! ALL: [chanting] Go Darkwing! Go Darkwing! Get busy! Get busy! >Darkwing quickly wheeled and tripped Negaduck, but Negaduck >jumped and turned toward Darkwing. He quickly grabbed for the >gun, but Darkwing TOM: Fired six warning shots into Negaduck's left aorta! ALL: [chanting] Go Darkwing! Go Darkwing! Get busy! Get busy! > threw another smoke bomb. Negaduck coughed in >the blue smoke, then glared around. Suddenly somebody shouted, MIKE: Doctor, where are we *this* time? >and Negaduck turned to see TOM: Some guy with brown, curly hair, wearing a multicolored scarf and strange hat. > Darkwing's foot flying right for his >face! Negaduck yelled, TOM: Again falling for the mistake that yelling will stop overwhelming kinetic force. > then fell to the ground. He jumped out of >the way as Darkwing jumped at him, then grabbed Darkwing and >threw him to the ground. They struggled, MIKE: To find something of interest in this fight scene, but to no avail. > Negaduck trying to pry >the gun out of Darkwing's hands. CROW: Come on, fire some more warning shots! ALL: Go Darkwing! Go Darkwing! Get busy! Get busy! > He finally did, then aimed it >at Darkwing's head. "Pleasant dreams!" Negaduck hissed, then >squeezed the trigger. Darkwing's eyes grew wide in fright. MIKE: The gun appears to be damaged. Normally the bullet leaves the chamber much, much quicker than what we're seeing. CROW: It's probably empty after all the "warning" shots Darkwing fired. > Negaduck looked up as someone shouted. TOM: Scooby-Doo, where are you?! > Again he saw a foot >flying toward him, this time Claudia's. CROW: The disturbing part was that it wasn't attached to her leg. MIKE: Yuck! > She kicked him off >Darkwing, then grabbed the gun. Negaduck glared at her as he >pulled himself off the ground. CROW: [Negaduck/Daddy's boy] Hey! I *said* it had never happened to me before! That's no reason to completely ditch me! > He jumped at Claudia, catching >her off guard. Grabbing the gun, her aimed it at her head. MIKE: Claudia, unsure of what to do, closed her eyes, figuring that if she couldn't see Negaduck, he couldn't see her. TOM: Fascinating, albeit flawed, logic. > Darkwing gasped, then jumped to his feet. "Darkwing!" >Gladys called. "Do that double-reverse paddle-drop boom, boom >kick that you always use on the show!" TOM: So...he *did* have a show in Acme Acres, or is this another fourth-wall reference? MIKE: Like I said last time, yes. > Darkwing glared at Negaduck, CROW: Allowing Negaduck time to plug Claudia with a few more bullets. > then stood on his head, MIKE: Deciding to practice his yoga first. >bounced on his feet, then went into a flying spin. Negaduck >stared at him, then yelled as Darkwing suddenly kicked the gun >out of his hand. TOM: Unfortunately, by this time, Negaduck had emptied his clip into Claudia, reloaded, and was already halfway through the second clip. CROW: A little slow on the uptake, there, DW. > Darkwing caught the gun and aimed it at >Negaduck, lying on the ground. "Make a move and I'll have a new >trophy-head to hang up," he hissed. Negaduck swallowed. > > >* * MIKE: [Roger Rabbit] "Stars! Ready when you are, Raoul!" > > > "Yup, yup, one more evil villain foiled," Darkwing replied >as he watched the police drive away from on top of the mansion. MIKE: Naturally, by driving off the roof of the mansion, the police crashed and were killed in a horrid explosion. TOM: Good. If they're like the rest of this brain-dead police force, the gene pool is a safer place now. >Gosalyn ran to him and hugged him. Darkwing hugged her back. >"Boy is it good to see you in one piece!" Darkwing exclaimed. MIKE: [Monterey Jack] Kinda an odd-shaped piece, though. >Gladys came to him and they hugged. > "Boy, that was amazing how you just went and kicked him!" >Petta exclaimed. "I mean it was just like BOOM! and he was >lying on the floor!" CROW: [Petta] It's a shame Claudia was riddled with bullets in the meantime, but you win a few, you lose a few. > "Claudia was pretty impressive too," Babs replied, smiling >admiringly at her friend. "How did you TOM: [Babs] Block all those bullets with your vital organs like that? > come up with a plan like >that?" MIKE: [Claudia] ...[gurgle]... > "Well, you know how when we were looking for Gladys me and >DW kinda lingered behind? MIKE: Uh...no. But let's not go back to that part if we missed it. CROW: Yeah. Continuity wasn't anything to worry about in this fanfic. > Well, we were planning. We had the >part about tricking Negaduck down, but how I would get away from >ya guys without ya noticing we couldn't figure out. Then >suddenly Darkwing got an idea." TOM: Ditch the crimefighting gig, buy into Volvo, and live off the dividends in Barbados. > "The fight," Harriet replied. > Claudia smiled and nodded. "It was our only lead. We get in >a fight and I go storm off. It seemed only logical to do that. MIKE: So, naturally, they avoided it like the plague. >Then Negaduck found me I struck a deal with him." > "You sure had me tricked," Fifi remarked. > Babs nodded. CROW: [Babs] You're an idiot. > "She had us all tricked. She's always been >such a good actor." CROW: [Claudia] All from faking my-- MIKE: Halt! Stop! Desist! CROW: Easy, Mike, I was going to say "fainting spells". MIKE: Oh, I bet you were, Crow. > Claudia blushed. "Well, I couldn't have done it without TOM: A severe blow to the head. >Darkwing." > "And I wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for you," >Darkwing said. CROW: Claudia is Darkwing's mother? TOM: So is this Oedipus Rex, now? > "Yeah, well-" Claudia started to say, but quickly stopped >as Darkwing gave her a big hug. He grinned at her, then turned >and walked away. Claudia stood gazing after him, totally >speechless. > "Gladys, just let me tell you," Darkwing said, MIKE: [Darkwing] You're really porking out. I can't stand to be seen with such a fat cow anymore. > talking >Gladys' hand in his, "that I my life was never complete till I CROW: Joined the BMG music club. Twelve CDS for just one penny was all I needed to reach enlightenment. >met you." He slowly turned away, then walked to the awaiting >Thunderquack, which Launchpad CROW: Whoa! Launchpad is back from limbo, too! MIKE: It's probably too crowded in there by now. > had hovering by the edge of the >building, Gosalyn sitting in the back seat. Darkwing got in, >closed the door, CROW: The Thunderquack has a canopy, not doors. TOM: Fanboy. CROW: Hey, *someone* has to be, because Harcinske doesn't seem to care about the aspects of the show that she doesn't directly copy. > then flew away. Gladys gazed after him, then >slowly opened her hands. She gasped when she saw the shimmering >diamond ring in them. MIKE: She never knew CrackerJack toys were still made so cheaply. > Babs gasped when she saw it, then looked >up at Gladys. > "I guess he plans to keep it that way," she replied. CROW: He plans to keep his life incomplete? >Gladys just smiled and gazed after the Thunderquack as it flew >toward the bay, slowly growing smaller and smaller, until >finally it disappeared. > > > > > > >***Baberella and all related characters (Claudia & Harriet >Rabbit, Petta Stinkay, Mepe LePew, Gladys Duck, James Mallard, CROW: Negaduck's dad was part of Baberella? MIKE: I think she meant all these characters were related to one another. TOM: Swell. So it was also a "90210" crossover as well. >Pierre Rownolon) are copyright of Christine Harcinske and Beth >Jerabek. Please do not use these characters without the written >permission of the author(s). Darkwing and all related "Darkwing >Duck" characters are copyright of Disney. Bugs Bunny and all >related "Tiny Toon Adventures" characters are copyright of >Warner Bros. They are used without permission CROW: Or talent. > but with a lot of >admiration and respect. The song "No One Else on Earth" is >copyright of Wynonna and was also used without permission. You >can copy and distribute this story as long as it is not changed >in any way, the author(s) are given credit, TOM: Half of this fanfic was completely ripped off from the series, and now she's asking this? MIKE: Ah, a multi-talented writer here; a plagiarist *and* a hypocrite! > and you do not try >to make money off of it. Permission to use the new characters >can be obtained only by writing to either Christine or Beth at >DH@zianet.com.*** > > TOM: Why would anyone want to use those characters? CROW: Revenge fanfics. They are all killed off in horrible ways. MIKE: Don't give "Nav" any new ideas, okay? Come on, let's jet before we're treated to another musical number. [They leave.] [SOL] [The SOL Theater brings up the lights to show Crow in the center, wearing a purple mask and cape cut from the same bed sheet. Tom is off to the side, dressed in a black mask and red cape, with Mike, decked out in an old bathrobe, cane, and a large hearing aid from the 1920s.] CROW: Ah, St. Canard. Only I can protect the city! That is, when I'm not being upstaged by my daughter, kidnaping girls, and reciting the entire dialogue from the first season. TOM: Grr. I tell you, Dad, I'm going to be a really mean supervillain someday. MIKE: [feeble voice] Not until you wax the station wagon, boy. And hurry up, your bedtime is coming soon. TOM: Daaaaad! I *told* you I'm gonna be a big, mean, bad guy soon! Bad guys don't wax the family car! MIKE: If your bad guy friends jumped off of a roof, would you? TOM: To get away from you? Yes. [Mike exits, while Tom moves over next to Crow. Gypsy comes on, wearing a Sears Catalog from 1987 on her head.] CROW: Psst, Mike; where's the rest of Gypsy's costume? MIKE: [offstage] Sorry guys, but the Tiny Toons characters changed clothes so much it's just easier to go with a catalog and cover all the bases. [Tom and Crow sigh, then turn to Gypsy.] TOM: I'm Negaduck! I'm a bad guy! Grr! GYPSY: Really? You look more like a daddy's boy to me. TOM: Hey! That's not fair! Take it back or I'll glare at you! CROW: Never fear, Gladys! I will protect you by glaring right back at him! [They stand still looking at each other for a while. Crickets are heard in the background] TOM: Oh yeah? Well, I'll grit my teeth, too! CROW: I'll sneer at you! TOM: I'll grin bloodily! CROW: I'll stare *real* hard at you! TOM: Hey, no fair! I'm telling! Daaaaaaaad! [Tom exits while crying like a baby. Crow turns to Gypsy.] CROW: Hey, now that I saved you, I'll kidnap you. GYPSY: No, no. Leave me alone. Okay. CROW: Come on, babe. Let's...you know..do it. GYPSY: You're not very experienced are you? MIKE: [offstage] End of Act I! [Everyone shuffles around as the lights go down. They come up again to reveal Crow and Tom bumping into each other in the middle of the stage. Gypsy is moving around them, singing something incoherently. Mike enters, carrying a toy guitar and plunks at the sole string a few times.] GYPSY: [singing, or some twisted variation of it] Because you broke my heart! Or didn't. I don't know. How'd you get so close to me! TOM: Hah, loverboy, I'll beat you this time for sure. I've got a knife! [Crow and Tom pause for a moment.] CROW: So why don't you use it? TOM: My arms don't work. [They shrug, then go back to bumping into each other.] MAGIC VOICE: Hey, are those guys supposed to be on stage fighting, such as it is? MIKE: What guys? I'm sorry, but I don't know what you're talking about. They're on the Mystic Floor of Convenience. MAGIC VOICE: For how long? MIKE: Until now. [Mike reaches over, takes a few light bulbs, and drops them on the stage.] GYPSY: [stopping] Oh dear. Wherever did those two come from? TOM: Hey, turn your back so I can make a stupid getaway. CROW: Okay. [Crow does, and Tom slips off to the side.] MIKE: End of Act II! [Lights go dim. Noises are heard as everyone repositions themselves and sweep up the light bulbs. The lights rise, showing Tom standing next to Mike, who's wearing a plug socket over his chest and has a D battery strapped to his back.] TOM: Okay, now what do we do to get rid of Darkwing? MIKE: Why not wait until Moly has finished his invention? TOM: Because I don't wanna! Now let me age you or I'm telling my dad! MIKE: Okay. [Tom makes some weird noise, then pushs Mike offstage. Gypsy moves onstage, and Tom moves next to her.] TOM: Ha! Now I'll capture both you and Darkwing's daughter. At least, I assume she is, considering she kept calling him "Dad" all the time. GYPSY: But how'd you find me in Darkwing's secret hideout? TOM: My dad told me where it was. Now come on, and don't struggle or anything. GYPSY: Okay. [They leave, and Crow comes onstage with Mike, who is now wearing an aviator's helmet and scarf.] CROW: Gladys! Where are you? Wait! Of course, she must have been kidnaped by Negaduck and taken to his hide-out! MIKE: How did you know that with no clues here? CROW: His dad told me. [They move offstage.] MIKE: [offstage] End of Act III! [Once more, the lights dim. Noises, crashes, and bangs are heard. The lights come up again, revealing everyone on stage. Mike, this time, is dressed in a strange, glittering suit. Tom, a gun attached to his arm, looks at Crow and Gypsy.] TOM: Ha! Now that I've caught you all, I'll shoot you! MIKE: Sorry, but I'm the Mighty Unexplained Limbo Force, and I'll just take that gun. [he grabs the gun] TOM: Oh rats. [to Crow] Oh, well, I'll hit you with my molecular accelerator! MIKE: Nope. I'm taking that, too. TOM: Nuts! Can I at least have my intellect back? MIKE: Nope. TOM: My attitude? MIKE: Uh-uh. TOM: At least give me something to be a villain with! MIKE: Oh fine. Here's some more glares. TOM: [sarcastically] Gee, thanks. CROW: Ha! I've escaped thanks to Claudia sleeping with you! TOM: I'm not complaining, really. MIKE: Oh, Negaduck, here's your gun back. TOM: All right! CROW: But I have blue smoke! Cower in fear, evil-doer! [Crow drops a small firecracker, which emits a pathetic puff of blue smoke as big as a quarter. Tom breaks down bawling.] TOM: You're too tough for me! I give! But boy, is my dad gonna give it to you! [The lights go down, and the normal lighting resumes, with Mike and the bots tossing their costumes off to the side.] MIKE: With that recap, now we see why Negaduck always loses. CROW: Yeah. Glares don't block physical attacks that well. TOM: And gritting your teeth doesn't stop someone from figuring out your plan. Even if you never bother to define what exactly your plan is in the first place. MIKE: And those secret hideouts just aren't what they used to be. [The red light flashes. Switch to Deep 13.] DR. F: Well, you don't seem to be too eager to do your little song and dance routine now. Could it be because your spirits have finally broken under the weight of dredge caught in my Internet? Hmm? [SOL] MIKE: I admit this one was one of your better attempts, but we still withstood the onslaught. TOM: And if we can hold up to this, we're set! How could you find anything worse? [Deep 13] DR. F: Ha...I seem to recall you saying the same thing after I treated you to "Scar's Second Chance". Then I found "Rangers of NIMH". [SOL] TOM: Oh. Yeah. [Deep 13] DR. F: And then I found "Blood and Metal". And that's not counting the continuing "efforts" by Ratliff and "Oscar". [SOL] MIKE: Uh oh...I think he's got a point. [Deep 13] DR. F: Indeed. They say to catch a thief you need a thief. And to find worse fanfics on the Internet, I'll just look in the fanfic archives on the Internet. Soon, I shall unearth the one to crack you like an eggshell. [SOL] TOM: Pessimist. [Deep 13] DR. F: [grinning] Realist. [He reaches out and presses the button.] [End credits] Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and [c] copyright 199X by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Darkwing Duck, Launchpad, Gosalyn, Negaduck, and the Fearsome Five are owned by Disney. Buster Bunny, Babs Bunny (no relation), Plucky Duck, Fifi LeFume, Bugs Bunny (still no relation) and Acme Acres are owned by Warner Brothers. "The Terror that Flaps in the Night" is [c] copyrighted by Christine Harcinske, although Disney may disagree concerning certain dialogue passages. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. or anyone else is intended or should be inferred. This post is not, in any way, shape, or form, a personal attack on Christine Harcinske; I was merely attempting to generate a few chuckles. Oh, and Bushroot *did* have a doctorate, but rarely was called "Dr." by anyone after his first episode -- I'm a fanboy, I know. This MiSTing is [c] copyright 1998 by Matt Plotecher. > "And then it started pulling then up threw the roof!"