HELD AT BAY By Zachary A. Zulkowski (zeeker@nj.freei.net) "How dare you!!!!" She said, "chasing that poor defenseless creature! Look at him, he's so cute!!!" Calamity was looking at him, standing behind the young female who was now reprimanding him. Beeper was poking his long neck from behind her, with a little smirk on his face, occasionally jetting his tongue. "I mean," She continued, "you seem to be a nice, civilized person. Don't you have anything better to do?" He just looked at her, and shook his head slightly, when this invoked a slight frown and an even more intense glare, he quickly turned it into a nod. And he could do little else, this young female coyote was determined to show him the error of his ways; and for some reason, he just stood there and took it, with his ears and tail dropped and with a slightly hurt expression on his face. Her ramblings went on for another few minutes or so, Calamity couldn't really tell. Between the surprise of her seemingly popping out of nowhere like that , (right in the middle of a good chase, too), and giving him such an earful, and, well....she wasn't that bad looking; he was losing track of time. She was wearing a green sweatshirt and shorts, with a plaid bandanna covering her reddish-brown hair. Her clothing looked a little soiled, like she was working around the house. Perhaps she lives nearby.... She finally released him, and he went home feeling a -little- dejected; (Beeper having long since ran off, having gotten his fill of amusement). After what seemed like a long time, he made it home; his room was filled will blueprints and diagrams all strewn about. He threw off the ones that were on his bed and started to lie down, then shot up realizing something.... HE DIDN'T GET HER NAME!!!! He slammed the back of his head down on his pillow in bitter disappointment; and he'll probably NEVER her name, much less her address. Well, he decided, if he couldn't get her name, he can at least have her picture; so he went over to his desk, dashed off a short note to Warner Brothers requesting her model sheet. The next day, Calamity was in Cartoon Physics, with the previous day's incidence being only a dim...(or NOT so dim), memory. Cartoon Physics was taught by Wile E. Coyote. Calamity has the deepest respect for Prof. Wile; he is considered the foremost expert on Cartoon Physics, (particularly with regards to Bodies In Motion). Right now he was giving a lecture on the concepts of arcs, using a catapult as an example when... "Ehhhhhhhhh! Excuse me..." Calamity looked and saw...Bugs Bunny at the door, and besides him was a...female coyote, the very same one he "met" earlier. Right now she was wearing blue cut-off jeans with a matching vest, and a plaid blouse, tied in front of her like a halter. Caught totally by surprise, and completely embarrassed, he did the only thing a being in his situation COULD do...flatten himself against his desk with his book over his head, (maybe she won't notice him....). "I would like to introduce yoose to a new student!" Bugs continued, "Jane Arroyo, who is transferring here from Arizona." "-And a pleasure it is to meet you!" Prof. Wile responded, grasping her had. "You are more than welcome to audit the rest of the session, now find a seat so that I may continue my brilliant lecture." She then walked down the aisle, RIGHT pass him, and took a seat at the end of the next row about three seats back from him. (The Classroom wasn't that full, there was probably a dozen students in a room designed for 30), and Calamity watched every moment of it, (as he recovered from the initial shock, and regained his normal seating position). The class preceded smoothly, and occasionally Calamity would sneak a glance at her. He seemed to be getting great pleasure from just watching her..sitting there, occasionally going back and forth the black board, etc. Much to Calamity's relief, class was finally over, and he can continue on with his life. Hopefully he could go through the rest of the day without seeing much of her, and if she is out of sight she's out of mind. Unfortunately, there's no such luck. Later... "Hmmm...." Jane mumbled to herself. "9:00 to 10:00 Freshman Orientation, 10:00 to 11:00 Cartoon Physics, 11:00 to 12:00 Basic Stalking, 12:00 to 1:00, Lunch...." "Ohhhh!!!!" She then said, feeling frustrated, and folded the paper up and placed it back in the pocket of her blouse, she then leaned back against the wall the bench she was sitting on was next to, and stretched her feet out in front of her. It was the main floor hallway in the Administration Building, and there ware about few dozen students milling about. Babs, Fifi, and the rest of the gang walked passed her to go to their respective lockers. Babs, nosy as ever, couldn't help noticing the look on her face. "Can't find your locker?" Babs asked, causing Jane to look up at her, slightly bewildered. "Oh, silly me, I forgot my manners!!" Babs replied to Jane's unspoken question. "I'm Babs, these are my friends: Buster, Fifi, Shirley..." She made introductions all around.. "Typical case of `Freshman's Overload?'" Plucky asked. "It's these courses," Jane indicated, with the schedule in her hand again, "Stalking, Gadgeteering, Gloating 101, Basic Cauldron Cooking, microbiology..." "You're getting villainy courses!!!" Babs exclaimed. "And?" "Well..." Babs replied, "You ARE a carnivore." "Oh, I see..." Jane replied, catching the tone of the conversation and faking a little indignation. "I just happen to be a canine, so I naturally have to be the villain." "Well, yeah...sort of." Babs replied, weakly, first week at school, and she is already insulting her. "Hmm," Jane replied, "Fifi's a carnivore, and I haven't seen HER in any of the classes, except maybe the stalking one." "Oh, that's because she's-" Plucky started to say. "Yeah?" Jane replied, knowing when someone has placed their foot in their beak, (as it where). "She's-" "Yeah?" Jane replied again, somehow taking perverse pleasure in watching the little green duck choke on his words. "She's very..." "Go ahead and say it Plucky!" Buster teased, "Then she'll eat you!" "Oh I would never do that!" She replied, ducks taste like chicken!!" They all began to laugh just as the warning bell rang, and she got up to go to her first class. Then she heard some noise and saw the crowd of students open up to let a running figure through, it was that young road runner, running like a blur down the hall, right behind him was that boy she met a yesterday... Calamity was right on top of him now, closer, closer... Then he looked up, out of the corner of his eye he saw Jane looking over her shoulder. He stiffened up, he tried to stop, but it was too late; Beeper just turned the corner and raced down the other hallway, and Calamity couldn't stop and negotiate the turn at the same time. The next thing he knew he was lying flat on his back, with several sticky-notes stuck to his nose, and several winged miniatures of Jane Arroyo were circling his head. Apparently he slammed face first into the bulletin board at the end of the hall, The female coyote saw what happened, but the only thing she was able to was to put both hands over her mouth, while the throng of students pushed her down the hallway. Lunch Time... A time where the overworked students of Acme Looniversity can take a break from their busy schedules and seek out some proper nourishment in order to take on the rest of the day, (or barring that, take their chances at the school cafeteria.) "Well," Babs Bunny commented, who was now standing at the cashier at the head of the line. "It's either this or the W.B. Commissary." "EWWWWWW!!!!" Came the reply from the rest of the students in line. Strangely enough, Lunch came right after Jane's Stalking class, (the one class she attends with Fifi Le'Fume), and she got her tray and got into line right bend the aforementioned skunk, who was sporting a large bandage on her forehead. "I'm really sorry, Fifi." Jane began, a little embarrassed, "I swear, I didn't even see that two-by-four." "Eeet's hokay." She replied, "At leest, I made out better then poor Furball, no?" At this they both saw Furball enter the room, moving along the back wall, with a upturned honey pot on his head, and the remains of honey dripping down on his fur. "Merci, it would take him months to get all that stuff off." "At least," Jane replied, and they both started to giggle. Calamity took a tray and found the courage to take a place behind Jane, she looked at him and smiled slightly, and this was enough to cause him to defensively hold up his tray across his chest and hurry down to the farther end of the line, leaving space for a couple of more people. Jane examined the food being offered, there was a choice between green stuff with brown gravy, brown stuff with green gravy, yellow stuff with no gravy and something that looked like gelatin, but didn't shake at all. She shrugged, decided on the yellow stuff, and whispered to Fifi. "Who is that strange boy?" "Oh, you meenz Calamity?" Fifi replied. "Don't you have a class with heem?" "I think he's in my Cartoon Physics class, and I stopped him yesterday chasing a cute little bird. Why is he always doing that!" "Heeez a coyote..." Fifi answered, a bit bewildered. "Tiz what coyotes do..." And when this explanation drew a blank on her companion... "Never mind..." They got their food and made their way over to where Babs and Shirley were sitting. "You know, I really couldn't help overhearing." Babs said, letting her ears swing up and droop slightly in front of her, as in demonstrating this. "You think he's...cute?" "No, Jane replied, "I said he was strange". "Yes, but do you think he's cute?" "I suppose so," Jane replied, slightly embarrassed, "but..." "You need to be formally introduced. Meet the whole gang!" "No, thank you, really, but-" "Now now," Babs assured her. "I was going to do it eventually, and now seems to be a good time She tried to protest, but Babs swas determined to play matchmaker. She then took Jane by the hand and lead her over to Calamity's table. "Calamity, I think there is someone you might want to meet." Calamity's eyes bulge out, (almost to a "wild take" condition), when he saw Babs and Jane come towards him. When they arrived, he started to leave, then thought the better of it, gulped, then sat down again. "Jane...Calamity" Babs said, indicating each of them. "Calamity...Jane". Jane then extended her hand, and Calamity stared at if for a few seconds. He the shook some sense into his head, cupped her hand in his palm, and touched his nose to the back of her hand, (as in the courtly gesture); causing Jane to giggle slightly. "Hmmm," Babs thought. "Calamity Jane." "Calamity Jane." "HEY! I made a funny!!! Calamity Jane!!! Don't you get it!!!" She then started to laugh uncontrollably, until Shirley and Fifi, both dressed as hospital orderlies, threw a straight-jacket over her and led her off. "Well, I can't help it if he writes this entire story just for this one gag!!" She said. Jane took a seat across from Calamity, with her tray in front of her; and Calamity was beginning to fidget and play with his food. After a few awkward minutes... "So," she said, between bites, "Have you been a student here long?" Calamity stared at her for a few seconds, then nodded slightly. "Oh," she said, trying to come to terms with with this. "Then you might be able to show me around later." Cal enthusiastically nodded in approval, and tried to take another drink, but he was shaking so much the soda was spilling all out of the glass. "Is there something wrong?" Jane said, in all innocence. Calamity shook his head, and tried to calm down enough to take a little sip. Then he heard the "BEEP!" "BEEP!" of little Beeper, who was now standing at the end of the table, between them. Cal started to stand, and was getting ready to... "Oh, hello little bird! Finished your lunch?" Jane said, all sweetly. Beeper then glared at her, then glanced back and forth at the two of them. Calamity then played both hands up, palms out, (as in surrendering), and sat down again. Beeper then wagged his tongue at him, beeped a few times, and sped off, leaving a small cloud that looked like a Valentine heart. A cloud which Cal was rapidly trying to dissipate before Jane noticed. The next day... It was a beautiful day; at least to Calamity. (Actually the weather was rather so-so: cloudy, cool, and a little wet;) but he was happier than he has ever been in a long time, and it was as if a zone of sunshine surrounded him; and nothing in the world can change that. Almost... "BEEP!" "BEEP!" This was the last thing Calamity remembered hearing before blacking out. Apparently, Beeper's unexpected arrival caused him to jump and hit his head on an overhanging branch, and Jane was helping him to his feet with an "are you all right?". A few yards away, he saw beeper staring hat him and jetting his tongue. They weren't exactly at the campus yet, but in the woods outside. Calamity brushed himself and his clothes off,(yes, he was actually wearing a yellow polo shirt and black shorts); and most of the people walking passed him where doing double-takes, but so deep was his previous revelry, that he paid no attention to their reactions. "You must have tripped on something." Jane said. Apparently, she must have came along a few seconds after the incident and didn't see anything. "But how would you bump the top of your head?" She asked, in all innocence. He rubbed his head and started to glare at Beeper, who raced around in circles for a few minutes, then headed at somewhat lest than full speed towards the campus. "Hey! Looking good!!" She exclaimed, half-teasing, as she stepped back to examine the new look she was finally noticing. "Bout time you started to dress up!" She teased, "How would it look if I walked around naked?" This was immediately followed by the sound of Buster Bunny walking past, coughing up his drink, and with Plucky walking besides him patting him on the back saying: "Easy, buddy, easy! Gotta be more careful!!!" * * * Luckily, the Nurse's office was practically empty this early in the morning, so Granny was quickly able to get to Calamity and put a large bag of ice on his head. "Gee Cal, they seem to know you here." Jane observed; which was then followed by a quick nod of the head. "I gotta get to my locker." Jane replied, "You'll be okay, right?" Another nod. "I'll see you at lunch!" She then, hurried off to class, turning to look at him one more time. Lunch Time... A time where the overworked students of Acme Looniversity can take a break from their busy schedules.... "Ah, you've done this gag!!!" Yelled Babs, who was now at the at the cashier at the head of the line...again. But this day is a little different, because now both Jane and Calamity have left the line and are carrying trays of delicious, (sort of), food to their table, but unfortunately, the next few seconds went all to quickly. There was the sound of a "BEEP! BEEP!", the crashing of a tray, and the sight of a young male coyote chasing a young roadrunner out of the cafeteria. Not to mention the sight of a shocked female coyote putting both hands over her mouth and sadly walking out of the room. Later.. The group of Toons that Jane was taking to: three black-furred "nondescripts"; (one of them wearing just a skirt), shook their heads, shrugged, and then walked down the hallway, which then broke into a run when a rather heavy-set guard started chasing them with a net. Sadly, she turned away only to find Babs who was also in the hall going to her locker. "I don't understand it," Jane said. "He hasn't been to school all week!!" "I know." Babs replied, "Calamity is usually very punctual." "You shameleez hussie!!!" Fifi cried, as she and Shirley approached them. "You did this to him! Driving to him to ze distractions!!!" Fifi then turned and buried her head on Shirley's shoulder, sobbing, and action that basically gave Jane a confused look. Babs waved it off, and approached Fifi who was now being comforted by Shirley with gentle pats on the back. "You've been looking at the author's notes again, haven't you?" She asked. "Anyway," Babs said, turning towards Jane. "If you think that Cal is going to `do himself in', don't worry about it. Toons can't be killed! See?" She then produced a large mallet and hit herself on the head with it. "No harm done...." She said. Then, dazed and delirious, she swooned and passed out. Fifi and Shirley then approached her, spin-turned into hospital orderlies, placed Babs on a stretcher, and carried her away. As comforting as Babs' demonstration was, Jane still didn't feel quite right about Calamity's disappearance. She tried to attend classes but felt, sad, distracted, worried. It was approaching the end of the day, Jane just finished her Microbiology class, she was on her way to her last class: a carnivore's support group, (which she hated), and was walking slowly and deliberately; and then she saw a streak of feathers and feet run pass. In another blink, Beeper appeared in front of her and jetted his tongue. "Go away..." She stated, and started to walk pass. Beeper then decided to run rapidly around her, creating a little whirlwind and knocking her off her feet. "I said `GO AWAY!!'" She yelled, picking up her books, "Why don't you go play with..." At this point, Beeper zoomed off. "Calamity...." She gathered her books and walked a little further, then stopped dead in her tracks. "Wait a minute..." "Beeper!!!" Jane yelled, "Oh, BEEPER!!!" She decided to skip her last class and found Calamity a mile or so down Beeper's usual route to home. He apparently was spending the last week constructing some sort of capturing gizmo, (behind a row of not-so- convincing fake trees and a hastily constructed billboard), which consisted of a large skyrocket attached to a length of railroad track that went straight and level for a few hundred feet, then went into some sort of a ramp. Calamity was riding on top of the rocket wearing a crash helmet and something that looked like a folding hand-glider strapped to his back. Basically the idea was that when Beeper came along, he would ignite the rocket, ride it up the ramp, and when he got to the top of the ramp he would detach from the rocket, unfurl the hand-glider, swoop down on an unsuspecting Beeper. Jane looked at the elaborate mess and frowned inwardly. *Maybe Babs was wrong.* She decided to make her presence known. "Hello Calamity," She said. "You busy?" Calamity looked at her and was rapidly alternating between nodding and shaking his head. "Look, Cal," She continued, "If you stay out of school any longer you'll fail the entire semester." Calamity shrugged and continued his preparations: adjusting his helmet, cleaning his goggles, etc. "You know?" She continued, "we only known each other for a short time, and haven't done too many things together." With this sentiment, Calamity nodded vigorously. "I was thinking, maybe if I helped you capture Beeper...CAPTURE Beeper; then maybe you might find some more time for me?" Again Calamity nodded, then scooted towards the front of the rocket more, patting the space behind him. "No....." Jane replied, "I was thinking of something a little more...'sane'", and with that she produced an envelope addressed to "Acme Products". "I just opened an account with them." Later... The two them were putting on the last pieces of the movie costumes Jane acquired, (wisely setting up a rental account instead of a purchasers account). They were futuristic sports uniforms, with matching silver helmets and black spiked gloves, Cal's uniform, in perticular also had roller skates. When they both finished, they struck dramatic poses, (and one can almost hear organ music in the background). When they finally saw Beeper approaching, (as if on some sort of cue), they both punched their palms, gave each other a double thumbs-up, and headed over to an awaiting motorcycle, (which Jane mounted and Cal grabbing the handrail on the back). When Beeper shot pass, they tore off after him. When Beeper saw then in pursuit, he smiled slightly and accelerated, being sure to say only a little bit ahead of them. After a few seconds of this, (and tearing through half of Acme Woods), Calamity released the handrail and worked his way up towards Beeper. Now, Beeper was flanked with coyotes on both sides, they were both as fast as he was, (for now at least), and they seemed be guiding him to some sort of line stretched across the road. * * * It all happen too quickly, Beeper snapped the line, and a huge metal cage dropped on him, trapping him. It took a few more seconds for Jane and Calamity to reconnect and stop. Jane approached the cage first and reached out to Beeper through the bars. "Tag! You're it!" She said. Then both She and Calamity walked off hand in hand towards a now setting sun, leaving behind a very confused Beeper. THE END